Fifty Four

                Progress... according to everybody that’s what I’ve made. Yes this is probably true but why can’t I feel it? Is my head stuck too far under the sand? It must be. I am being looked after so well at the moment and it helps beyond words but it’s not that simple. I feel I need to find a solution to all this negativity and suffering. Is the answer right in front of my face and I’m just too blind to see? Inside this seems true but just typing about it now is making me realize that there is probably not just “a solution” but rather a range of small steps and more hard work to moving through this to a somewhat normalised life, for lack of better wording.

Fifty Three

                I feel so empty. I wake up every morning and feel I don’t have anything to get out of bed for.  I just lay there staring into space, nothing left to live for. I just want to die. It would be better for everyone if this was to happen. Family, friends, they would have no need to worry anymore, I don’t deserve it anyway. My innards are aching never giving relief... It feels like it is time, time to end it once and for all. I am stuck down a deep well with rats chewing away at my flesh where I lay, there’s not much left and therefore not much point going on. This is only a short blog but the information it holds is heavy. I am running out of time and I don’t want to hurt the ones around me but I don’t want to be here either. Catch 22.

Fifty Two

                Okay so I have struggled through yet another dark hole and feel as though I am slowly and oh so very slightly coming up out of the other end. I have had my mood stabilizer re-upped and it seems to have helped me to do this. Yay! I hope it keeps lasting and helping me as I need all the help I can get. I am still very confused about where and how I fit into this crazy world. Also I’m still not seeing the point to all this heartache, the point to living or as it would feel, existing. Anyway I’ll keep searching and hope that I find a reason soon. Any pointers??

Fifty One

                Have you ever had that feeling, deep down inside that maybe things might start to be looking up? The feeling that something was bought in to your life to change your whole view on the world? That life had been a thick, dark misery for soooo long and now, finally, a ray of light has come shining through? I did. A tiny, but extremely hopeful part of me fell for this sick idea of a joke from the universal powers or whatever powers that may be! I wonder, how could this happen? How could I be so stupid to buy into this for even a second? What an idiot I am! I don’t have a chance, never have, never will. I see no point to this horrible life and that’s making it extremely difficult to go on. My insides are yelling at me “I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE LIVING, I HATE MYSELF!!!!” I don’t stand a chance in this place so why the hell am I still going through all this bullcrap?! There’s a point when enoughs, enough, you know what I mean. I am never going to amount to anything (because I’m hopeless), I am never going to feel any better (because I don’t deserve to) and I’ll be alone for ever (because I’m worthless). Gee with these great, exciting odds why would I possibly want to be anywhere else! I mean sometimes you get told something that breaks your already bleeding heart to pieces, you want to say “no, I don’t except” but you can’t because you feel already so hurt that the idea of hearing anymore would just suffocate you to within your last breath. How do I cope? How can I possibly? The worse thing is that I can’t kill myself at this stage because I don’t want anybody to feel to blame for that. I know that if I die it will be at my hand because of a million or so reasons stacked roughly on top of each other, swaying in the rough weather and when they finally collapse, so will I. It took me 2 hours to do a ½ hour drive on Thursday because I had to pull over because I was absolutely bawling my eyes out. An hour and a half on the side of the road bawling, along with outbursts of bawling that night. Friday, I spent in bed all day in a depressed tranced like state, staring into space and crying. I have never, unless sick, spent a whole day in bed ever. This is bad. Today I’m a mixture of the two but am trying to get just a little bit stronger so perhaps I can face the world just like everyone expects and if everyone excepts it then I must do it, right, isn’t that the way it works.

Fifty

                Emotions... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Am I the only one who has the things? Seriously, I know I’m not but come on. How come when stuff happens I seem to be the only one who continues to think and feel about it. Other people seem to be able to put on the STOP inside and BAM! They no longer worry about it. Why can’t I do this? I yearn so much for this quality as this is a HUGE problem that I have. It rules my life to a degree and I can’t stand it! I’m sure other people would find it annoying too if I talked about it, seen as I need to sort out the ins, outs, ups, downs, lefts, rights, whatever of everything when I over think it. I’m such a pain! So should I give myself pain to suppress the other pain? I know it’s an unhealthy solution. I haven’t yet so I’m going to try and stick with that.

Forty Nine

                Oooh boy! Feelings are a very confusing part of this life. They flood you from head to toe and give you no means of relief or signs of easing. Is it possible to feel two opposite emotions at the same time? Yes. Is this easy? No, by far. I can’t tell if my deep emotions are the cause of my medication drop (and I mean a huge drop in meds) or other things. It’s a tough one, a mixture of both perhaps. Do I like it? I’m not sure. As they are opposites I guess the answer is yes and no. Yes because sadly feeling so flooded with emotions helps me diet better, sad but true and I guess fossilled in amongst there is a chunk of hope, hope that something great in the future may become true. No because I’m scared it won’t and my hope will be for not, also it’s powerful, and tugs away at my insides left to right, up and down to inside out. Feelings are very real and they don’t just disappear because we want them to or because life might be a little easier without them. No, they are here to stay whether we like it or not. All we can do is gather a wonderful support network of mutual respect and honesty and try to stay strong and more than that, learn to deal.

Forty Eight

                I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. My Bff has returned home and we had a good time up here together. I just felt, while she was here, that I was letting her down in some way. We went to the fun parks and I was very anxious about going on the bigger rides so we didn’t – hardly seems fair hey. Also my medication is making me really sleepy all the time. I get a proper night sleep and still feel like I could sleep all day, it’s crazy! I don’t want to take any more pills because the side effects I seem to get are just ridiculous. So I see the psych tomorrow and fingers crossed we can work something out. My inner turmoil is still gurgling away. I don’t know how to cope with it and basically everyday things. I can feel myself sliding back but have no control of it. Cutting seems to be a thing playing on my mind and I can’t always knock back the opportunity. So, does this make me a failure... it certainly feels like it. I don’t feel like I’m letting myself down because who cares about that. I feel like I’m letting certain people in my family down. They do so much for me and here I am, feeling as though I’m sneaking around behind their back, it makes me feel absolutely awful! You might say “well why do it then?” Haha, if only it were that simple.

Forty Seven

                I had been having a hard time with all the noise in my head. Round and round the thoughts were going and I had not one bit of control over them. Now thanks to the psych, I have started a new medication which has helped tremendously! I am now feeling fairly decent and that is great news seen as my BFF flies up here to see me in two days. I was so worried I was going to be a shipwreck while she was here and ruin her 25^th but things seem to be in order, YAY! I can’t wait to see her. We have not been away from each other for this long since we met and that was many years ago now – oh how it makes you feel old :-/ It’s going to be awesome and I get to introduce her to all my lovely new friends up here who have made it possible for me to have made it this far. Can’t wait!!!

Forty Six

                I have had a rough few days but am feeling the load lift slightly today. The doctor has put me on a new anti-psychotic which seems to be slowly the madness upstairs down a little which is great. If just got to be weaned off the other ones I’m on also, then I won’t be so tired all the time. So this is good news I suppose you could say. The graphic nightmares I’ve been having have slightly subsided so yes, it is good news. On another note I seem to have no confidence in myself as a person. I mean I have always hated myself and confidence has been pretty grim but I can manage to make myself manage somehow. Of late this has been a real struggle. I feel like everyone, even my friends and family, are disgusted by the very sight or thought of me as I am. I feel scared to go anywhere by myself and scared that if I go with someone they will be made fun of because of my hideousness. Gosh, when does the cycle end! I am determined to make myself do these things though and push through it. Let’s hope I have the guts.

Forty Five

                One step for mankind one giant leap back for me. So life’s tough hey, tell me about it. The other night I succumbed to the pain, to the noise, to the darkness. The feelings, as always, were severely intense, my head was filled with loud noise and forceful thoughts shooting all around! I couldn’t take it anymore, and then my mood flipped. I changed in to this surreal type of state, you know the kind where you would drive 100kms an hour in a 50 zone just to see what would happen. I ended up getting a razor and slashing around my wrist over and over again. It was like I couldn’t stop. I had paper down for the blood to drip all over. I wrote pain in the blood on the paper – hmm art work – but I was bleeding so much that the page filled up and the blood went everywhere. As the blood kept running from my wrist down over my blood soaked hand I had a weird evil like smile on my face, like it was funny. (I say evil because to me it does not seem very healthy). I was in a very there but not there state of mind, as I seem to be suppressing even now, and I just don’t know what I am capable of. I guess I better watch out. Thank you to all my great and wonderful supportive friends and family who are still helping through this never ending inner battle, love to you – you know who you are xx

Forty Four

                It’s been a little while since my last blog, I suppose not that long really but still. Yes I have been relatively busy but the main reason I have not blogged is because of where I seem to be at. My thoughts are spinning and crashing around like the offshore depths of the sea in a heavy storm. My feelings are equally as fast and muddled. I cannot seem to decipher one from the other. I struggle even more to concentrate. I fight harder everyday to put on that brave, progressive face. In way of bodily harm I have improved, of this there is no doubt, for I have not yet succumbed to the urges that flow through me. As for the rest of my problems, I cannot say. I struggle... struggle like I did before I came to Queensland. I feel myself slowly changing back into the shipwreck I was. Is it just habitual? Can it be changed? Will I ever mend? They say over time I will, I say in theory this is all well and good but what about the person experiencing the severe feelings and thoughts that won’t, no matter what they do, shift. Just like me and friends have a ‘T’ for TIME and you have a break, so where is that? No rest for the wicked and no rest for the worthless. The people around me look at me, even right into my eyes, and they have no idea that I am fighting away the same rushing pain with the severity increasing that I was before entering hospital. Backwards I slide down a steep muddy bank on my way to the dreaded cliff.

Forty Three

                Today I say was pretty alright, DBT went well, doctor’s appointment went well although I did find out that I also have some psychotic stuff within – don’t freak I’m not American Psycho or anything. With all this slowly happening I can’t help but think ‘what is the bigger plan?’ I think about this often of late and it never seems to come to an end. I mean, what is the big picture? The master plan? Is there one? If not, what are we all doing here? What is the point if we don’t have any purpose other than to just exist? Deep, deep down I feel as though there is some form of power or purpose that somehow fits into a bigger plan. But I wonder, is this just what I would like to think just to give me a reason to go on? I mean, I want to kill myself so how is that part of anything? Was I just put on this earth to suffer than die? Am I really that hated? Am I really that useless... part of me says “yes you are,” while another part says “bigger picture.” I know these are not to end questions but I can’t shake them. Maybe I feel that if I was more in touch with my spiritual side I may just be able to shake this crap. I am still in a hard fight against suicide and self harm, I guess I just wonder why it’s all worth it. Either way I would like to pursue these questions, but where to start?

Forty Two

                Well last night was a bit rough. After I typed my blog I ended up behind the bedroom door in the dark bawling. I was back in the bad state of wanting to kill myself right then and there. I thought I was back to my old self, o-oh! ‘This is it, no more’ was the thought travelling through my head. Down as it seems to go, I am having a lot of trouble trying to work out how to get my mood back to what it was when I left hospital. “The new me” I called it. I’m worried it was nothing more than a tease of what will never be, my brains way of toying with me yet again. Well I fell for it and as a result I feel foolish and naive. Deep down it hurts severely and when I am still the inner pain pounds against me. I’M SICK OF THIS BULLCRAP! I cannot live every day of my life begging and pleading with thin air to ‘please make it stop I can’t take anymore!!’ Having trouble winding down of a night, having nightmares and waking up feeling like crap, nope I’m sure it’s not how life is supposed to be. Today was better than yesterday and that is thanks to family support and a new friend I’ve made plus my Bff of course.

Forty One

                I’m crying as I type this. The pressure of the outside is ramming me into the earth’s hard exterior. BANG! Down I go repetitively. You see, I came out of hospital with this new view on how my life, if I lasted, would be. I was starting to tune in to my inner self. How I functioned was just that little bit more clear. Hope was a possibility not a distant blur. I realized I needed to spend a lot more time focusing on my well being and continuing to get in touch with what was going on within me. I felt some determination that I might have a chance, even if small. Now as I look at these blurry words I start to realize that I am losing control of my life and myself already. As I driving today it took all of my energy not to swerve in front of a big truck and hope for the best or worst, however you see it. I’ve had enough pain and I wish I could release it into the wild like the clawing beast that it is. I don’t belong here in this foreign place. Slowly I’m losing my concentration, my patience... my mind. Nobody can do a thing about it. I even feel as though I can do nothing about it also. So what’s the plan then? The saying is ‘live and let live’ but I am saying ‘die and let me die.’

Forty

                Busy, that’s what I seem to be of late. It is helping me a bit but it is also hindering me. Keeping busy helps because it keeps me occupied and less likely to act on impulses, it doesn’t help because I feel quiet tired all the time and it makes me anxious and I find it hard to wind down. The suicidal thoughts are still suspended in my brain. Just think, if I plunged a knife through my heart right now all this bull crap could be over. No more trying to manage my messed up head and my deeply confused feelings ever again... sounds pretty damn good to me. But yes I would miss some very important people in my life, I guess I just hope beyond hope that if said event was in fact to happen, or something similar, that these people would know who they are and know and know what they meant to me, also that there was nothing anyone could have done differently to change my fate. But as it sits now I’m pressing on and waiting for something more within me to change for the better, a path to greener pastures perhaps.

Thirty Nine

                Another bridge crossed. I went out over the weekend, on the town with a friend. Did I cope ok? Yes. I love hitting the town for a bit of a boogie. I think the fact that I stayed at my friend’s place helped a lot because I wasn’t alone as I was coming down from my high. I haven’t been blogging as much I know but I have been busy. I suppose that has become my coping mechanism . . . again. I try to be still and just sit with my feelings but they are so intense. It’s scary. I’m worried about what I might do and how bad the consequences may be if not handled. Cutting, cutting, cutting – When I’m awake, I’m thinking about it. When I’m asleep, I’m dreaming about it. Is this, I wonder, what drug addicts go through too? Is it the same kind of addiction? If I cut myself have I failed and taken an ecstasy tablet? Have I been too hard on and critical of these people for far too long? Just once, I hear whispering to me through the noise in my head. ‘Just one time that’s all you need, come on do it.’ AAAHHHH!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! But who am I yelling this to? Me? I want me to leave me alone... yeah that makes perfect sense :-/ Even though I only just started, the DBT seems to be really good and fingers crossed it has some helpful tips on sorting me out upstairs, please please pleeeeaaaassseee. My mood has been average but I suppose missing all my friends doesn’t help with that. Busy busy busy until I find a better way. The only thing is that dealing with the difficulties this way doesn’t solve anything.

Thirty Eight

                It’s tough. What is this feeling that I have? I can’t identify it? It sits extremely heavy in the lower central of my chest. It strains me to breathe in and with every breath out I feel closer to tears. I got really anxious earlier and then, whilst trying to concentrate on driving, I head was full of other people’s voices. It wasn’t like one or two voices telling me to do things or that I was a superhero or something, no, it was lots of people all talking at once. It was as though I was in a big shopping complex on one of those busy days, when you have to dodge and squeeze around people just to get from a – b. It were as though I was standing write in the middle and couldn’t move and all this was going on around me and I could hear all the noise. The thing is I was in a silent car, no radio or nothing and absolutely no control over the head noise. Pretty scary actually, I mean, I’ve never heard others voices before. Now if I didn’t feel crazy before... Right, so coping... I am still here, I have ok days and I’m pottering along. The struggle against self-harming is HUMUNGUS!! I had nooo idea what I was in for when I left the big house. I want to get the razor and start calving. Even put it apart to get the individual blades out so I can cut deeper and more painfully. It’s not the pain of the cutting but also the stinging of the blade. The thing to is that if others talk or hint about self-harm, I want to do it even more I’m not sure why. Hmm, self-harm - Do I feel it this time? Will I feel it that time? Am I going to dissociate? Who knows, I suppose I just have to keep putting my all into fighting the urge and not give in.

Thirty Seven

                I AM OUTRAGED! I am sooooo disappointed and disgusted in the human race. How is it that people can be so damn cruel? I am not an angry person but after hearing about this situation I feel enraged to hunt these people down and give them the what for! What am I talking about? I’m talking about bullying, and not just any bullying, work place bullying. What gives anybody the right to think that they are better than another? School yard bullying is awful and should be nipped in the bud straight away. I know it is difficult but this sort of behaviour can ruin a person’s life. These bullies can continue this disgraceful behaviour even as adults. This is what has ruffled my feathers. A family member, who I am extremely close to, is being workplace bullied. Yesterday I spoke with them and they were so very upset. This person is the strongest person I know and here they were scared and sick in the stomach about work. They love work, always have, and they work damn hard let me tell you. How dare anybody take that away from them! I tell you what, I’m not a violent but when you listen to someone you love, very dearly, bawling their eyes out because of the situation at work, you quickly switch into protection mode. I wanted to find these pitiful people and bash the crap out of them! I’m much calmer now about it and don’t feel quite as intense as the situation is being addressed. It’s only being addressed though because this person has taken a stand. They have said NO MORE and stood up for themselves and damn right they should! I just hope upon hope that the situation is resolved. They deserve, like others in their situation, to be able to go to work without this bull crap to put up with. Some people need to grow up and get over themselves. As this person said to me “we’re all here for the same reason.”  

Thirty Six

So I have missed two days but believe it or not I’ve been flat out and exhausted when the days over. I’ve been helping family out, as they are helping me also, and starting a new therapy group. The therapy is called DBT, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I got the phone call Monday arvo to say there is a place to start Tuesday if I if was able. Of course becoming well is a very high priority so a big yes was my answer. Some key goals of this therapy are;

-          Reducing suicidal and self-harming behaviours

-          Reducing behaviours that interfere with the process of therapy such as not addressing problems

-          Reducing behaviours that seriously interfere with quality of life

-          Increasing specific goals to cope more effectively

-          Developing an awareness and sense of control over emotions and behaviour

-          Moving from being emotionally shut down to experiencing emotions fully

-          Building an ordinary life, solving ordinary life problems with a focus improving quality of relationships

-          Working with feelings of emptiness to develop completeness/connection    

It is a 6 month course and I am looking forward to what this could mean to my life. Could it be the changes and opportunities I need?

My mood over the past few days has been a mildly low steady flow. I was fairly anxious the night before last but I have gotten through and am managing life. This is not just my inner self fighting, it is also with the help of my family and friends – THANK YOU x

I actually feel a little better today than the past few days so whether it lasts or not I will take it while it’s here.

Thirty Five

                I know it’s still quite early to be blogging but when you need to talk, or rather write, you do. I am undecided about how today will be for me but I am hoping it goes up even a little so I can have a bit of a breather after yesterday. Last night I had another bawling session. At first I was just teary and I had a hug then went to the bathroom. After I shut the door, I just dropped to my knees and started bawling my eyes out. I ended up in the fetal position. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying, I guess the inner strength I need to stay sane, as much as I can, is taking more out of me than I thought. My head talk is negative and my visions are graphic. As the night proceeded the pictures in my head became more frequent. I wondered why my negative thoughts had gotten worse since leaving hospital. I mean, I knew it was going to be a challenge but I guess I underestimated it. All I wanted to do was get a razor and slash my arms over and over again as hard as I could! I didn’t feel that I belong... I still don’t. My family and friends are a great support to me, but it’s really up to me. I wonder if I have what it takes.

Thirty Four

                My thoughts seem to be very dark at the moment. I had an intense moment last night. You see, I’m down the coast with some family and we are staying on the 12^th floor of the hotel building. If you know or are getting to know me then you will be able to imagine the danger and temptation I face with this arrangement. Don’t get me wrong, this place we’re staying at is amazing! It has great views, lots of space and is near beaches and shops. It’s like a hollywood dream place or something. So, it started when I went out onto the balcony last night to open the privacy doors. As soon as I looked down my head started yelling “JUMP, DIE. JUMP, DIE. DO IT DON’T DO IT, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES!!!” It was my first night out of hospital and it was extremely confronting. I went back inside where a family member, who I’m very appreciative to, helped me calm down a little bit. Later, after we got back from tea, I was trying to explain to this family member what had actually happened. I was part the way through explaining when they started to get easily distracted and start talking about off topic things. This hurt because I felt that I was not important. When we got back, I sat in my room looking out of the 12^th floor window and just bawling. I thought ‘this isn’t going to work.’ I wanted to jump and they didn’t understand! When they saw me crying they came over and cuddled me. We just sat there hugging while I was crying and telling them that this wasn’t going to work and they don’t get it. I mean this is my life, my whole life, one wrong movement from me can = bye bye forever.  They replied by telling me that they might not understand ‘yet’ but that this is a big learning curb for them and that I’ve got to try and be patient and that we can learn from each other to make it work. This is rightly so. I am very sensitive when I’m in said frame of mind. I feel worthless straight away, I believe everybody thinks I am too and that I should just die because that’s what I deserve. By reading this hopefully you can understand how quickly and to such a drastic level my mood changes. I do need to try harder to understand that they don’t know. We both need to communicate a better. I need a LOT of support and I mean a LOT, to get through this and I am worried they might be in for more than they bargained for. They hugged me and wouldn’t let go until I was feeling a bit better – thankyou x. I don’t feel like this is fair on them at all and deep down I’m just not sure what to do about that. I love them and they’ve been great to me. I don’t want to be a burden and bring them down with my negative crap. I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Thank you to them for their support, it means a lot, really.

Thirty Three

                Have you ever spent ages just wondering what it would be like to be hit by a car? You can’t be distracted from it. When you think about it, you’re momentarily obsessed. Imagining all the different speeds and what the damage would be and how it would feel, if you were alive to feel it that is. I do. I daydream about it fairly regularly of late, the reason? I’m not sure. I ruminate how far I think I would fly through the air at 60km, the highway is a bit of an obvious one but I still imagine in my mind what that might look like. For some reason when I think about it I actually feel quite excited.  BRRRM BRRRM... SMASH!! I’m trying to concentrate and talk with people and its there in my brain. I am trying to accept that yes, I am thinking about it, but I do not have to act on it. We’ll see how that goes. This is pretty messed up. Do people think I’m a sicko? I can’t worry about that at this stage. It is a fact that I do think about these things so either way it changes nothing except making me feel worse. Last night I was cutting the tape off the boxes, I seemed to get more and more wound up, as in excitable – psychotic, and in the end wanted to slash myself to bits. Everywhere, arms, legs, stomach, the bottom of my feet so the pain would be there every day when I walked and the deep cuts would reopen and bleed. It was crazy. I’m crazy, or as a dear friend of mine to be says, ‘quirky.’ I am leaving today and will just see what the day brings.

Thirty Two

                I woke this morning and did not know which way my day was going to go. Is it going to be crappy or pretty decent? Its 11:00 and I still sit undecided. I don’t feel as though I have the strength today for it to be a crap one though. Things are lingering around in my mind. Touch... it is a real struggle at times. The fear that I can get is so intense and triggerish, I don’t want to ruin relationships with it, but I already am aware of how much it interferes. I must fight through it – I say in my mind – the past is the past. I like that; the past is the past. I am trying to ingrain that into my head. If there was only one thing I needed to truly acknowledge, this would perhaps be in the running. The thing is that I know this on a conscious level, obviously, yet negative and deathly signals are sent painfully shooting throughout my body (perhaps subconscious). I’m fighting with a big part of myself and I will be working double time on this for sure. Also, I am getting out of hospital in the next few days. I will be released back into the wild. I now have the song ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ stuck in my head. Challenge after challenge... that’s what will be driving me and pushing me trying to get me back down and into bad habits. When I leave, I will be seeing temptations from all around me. I have to try my hardest to be stable and strong and say to myself, “No, walk away.” How well this works is beyond me but I have to treat every time, I don’t give in, as a success. You see, how my mind has worked previously is that I have felt like a failure for even thinking such negative, morbid things. So basically I have been a failure before I’ve even given into such thoughts. I must learn to except that yes I do feel like this and I am thinking of that, that’s just the way it is, but what I physically do with that is a whole new can of worms. I also need to except that I am only capable of so much. If I slip back a little I just need to say to myself “it’s okay I will try to do better next time” and try not to beat myself up about it. And remind myself every day that any success, no matter how big or small, is good progress.

Thirty One

Delving too far into things can be a tricky business; I just need to start with one thing at a time. I’m not disclosing anything I just need to get a bit of it off my chest. This, to me, is a very difficult and tender topic. I wasn’t sure how to approach it so I decided to write a short poem. 

Growing up was tough, for I did not know,

Despite your tough exterior, you loved me so.

Everyone else always seemed to come first,

For your attention and affection, I had a great thirst.

An abundance of years you were perfect to me,

When I grew up, just like you I wanted to be.

I know there are times when we had great fun,

For the rest of the time though, the damage is done.

When I needed you most, you were not there,

The burden I held was too much to bear.

I will always have trouble with my own self-worth,

But to me you’ll always be the best one on earth.

It’s amazing how much people can change or even just have a wakeup call or reality check. I had to get this out there; it’s such a big thing to me. And at times it is can be intensely raw. The next one I wrote is of the now.

Out of the darkness you came to support me in my fight,

I needed help and here you are with all of your might.

You have been a great blessing in disguise,

It’s now clear to see the truth beyond your eyes.

I fight hard every day and you don’t leave my side,

Without your devastated face in my mind, I would have died.

Our relationship has grown bigger than anything I’ve ever looked on,

It will never be taken away, torn apart or stomped on.

This is a poem I wrote to show you I care,

And that I am appreciative right down to my last hair.

There is so much more for both of the poems but for now that’s plenty. If you read this, I love you always xxxxxxxxxx

Thirty

                I am feeling pretty decent today. The rough days are made slightly lighter knowing that I can have days like today. I want to leave but I have a fairly definite problem. I feel that self-harm is going to be inevitable. It’s like I already know I’m going to do it and that it’s just a matter of time until I do. I keep trying to get the point across in my head and think ‘no, I can’t, I won’t take that step backwards.’ But I crave it like an alcoholic craves after grog. I know it sounds sick, craving cutting myself and watching the blood pour out. Then you cut again and again. Once you start it’s very hard to stop. It becomes a very strong addiction and while fighting all these other difficult things am I able to fight another on top of all that? You see, I can try to heal myself of all the hurt and pain that I’ve felt over the years. Trying hard to change and be as good as I can be. But that’s my point here; I can be a good as “I can be.” You see, the damage to me is done. I can’t change it. I can’t erase it. It is always going to be with me, ‘til death do us part.’ I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I’m always going to be a little messed up, that’s just me. I, for lack of a better word, fantasise about self-harming as soon as I see an opportunity arise. I was given a list of alternate actions you may take instead of the bumpy road of self-harm such as – snap my wrist with a rubber band, squeeze and ice cube in the palm of your hand or where on your body you want the pain (this apparently gives the same sensation as burning), etc. If you want to see blood some of the options are – draw on yourself with a red marker, use a piece of ice to draw where you want to cut (got to be premade as red ice) etc.  There is a more descriptive and longer list but hopefully you get the gist of it. My mindset has not altered too much when thinking of me making a decent recovery. I am putting a lot of effort into this, as a lot of others are, I both improve and get somewhat through this or I’m dead. I am not doing this again and that’s it.

Twenty Nine

           Last night I went to sleep feeling pretty average. This morning I woke up feeling very average. Funny how it proceeds into the next day, as in it can’t be slept off, damn, wouldn’t that be nice. So today, yes it was a bit of a struggle, but I do know that there will be ups and downs and the important thing will be how I respond to these times.

        Out and free another day on leave. To me these days are becoming like a type of test trial for me to distinguish whether or not I will be able to cope in the big, wide world. Most days I think ‘yes, I will be able to manage myself with a plan and a good support network.’ Even though I have some very troubling thoughts, especially when feeling like I do today, as I become more confident I will be able to take these suckers on. I am safe enough in here but the problem is that I don’t have anyone to have a good, long, decent conversation with. The ones I have become close to have improved, somewhat, and left. They are doing remarkably. I miss them. I get lonely fairly easily so you can understand my dilemma. I feel sorry to my friends and family because when I do get out or get them on the phone I am usually that excited, when I feel more up, to have a familiar human contact I’m just like ‘blah blahblah blah blah.....’ It’s as though I haven’t had a decent conversation in years not days or hours. I do hope to be discharged in the near future and make my way back in to society where I hope I will somehow fit and feel worthy of the space I will occupy. Worth... that is something I am worried I may never feel. Also getting out from my new found “safe place” there will be another cloud hanging over me also, this one is called failure. I don’t want to fail anymore in fact on days that aren’t crap like today I actually want to win. I want to say ‘BRING IT ON SUCKERS, LET’S DO THIS THING!’ I just have to get through the fog up ahead of ‘if’s’, ‘buts’, what’s’, and ‘how’s. I still do not know the magic answers, nor can I crack the code, but on the days when I’m feeling not to bad I have a bit of fight back in me and that is more than I have had in a long time.

Twenty Eight

           Today I woke up, obviously, and actually didn’t think ‘damn it!’ as a first response. Huge news hey! As scared as I am of all this, my thoughts are that this might be what recovery actually feels like. “Hold on tight crew we’re about to enter some mysterious, unchartered waters!” As I said yesterday, self-harm is a tricky little devil. Even just unpacking the dishwasher today was a little bit of a tempting challenge because of all the fun toys, or rather, different shapes and sizes of knives that were there. Hmm, so there it is. I am still twisted in the head but I will work on it. I don’t think that will ever really completely go away but I guess it would be nice one day to actually find a lovely lady who can just love me for me... I suppose I have to get to the stage where I feel I deserve that kind of happiness first. And of course, sort myself out so I won’t ruin it. I will keep this one short and sour only because I’m knackered and it’s my first day of my girlies so point taken hey, thanks.

Twenty Seven

           Right, so today was actually pretty alright thanks. Wow I never thought it would ever be! I still got a very long and treacherous road ahead but I have also come so far since I got here. I must stick with it and try to persist with my recovery. I would like not to have too many setbacks and, again, put in my all and fight hard to stay well. I want to leave the hospital soon but have a few queries, I wrote them down to ask the doc about. 1 – I am worried that I will be let out or kicked out before I’m ready. He said that won’t happen, it will be a mutual decision by us. 2 – We’ve worked for over 4 months to get this thing going, so what if it’s spoilt by me becoming too distressed and unable to cope, so I kill myself anyway. He said I don’t think that is going to happen. 3 – I’m worried that there will be no support for me when I leave, e.g. health plan, professional help. He said there will be one set up for me. 4 – I feel that self-harm is quickly going to re-establish itself as my main way of coping and I don’t yet have the skills to tackle this. He said the DBT course I will start when I am more stable and less inclined to be so easily triggered will teach me such skills. 5 – I don’t want to end up back here. He said that’s the plan (as in not to). 6 – (last but certainly not least) I want to say goodbye to one of the very lovely staff members here. He said so you think she’s alright then? I replied she is beautiful! And WOW is she what!!!! I am also very concerned about the dark evil thoughts that still roam within me. They are still giving me the same message ‘kill myself, cut myself, jump in front of that car, this good feeling is fake, etc.’ We talked a little bit about that and I suppose if you have thought a certain way for so long, it just sticks. So another words, I have to reprogram, as such, upstairs. Also, I must confront all the issues and work through them, obviously. I guess in more than one way, old habits die hard.

Twenty Six

         Facing 1 demon from the past at a time, this one is extremely tough. The one I speak of is the sexual assault. This one haunts me day and night. My feelings have altered immensely since these recurring events. This is horrific and has changed my whole life, more than likely forever. Will touch ever be 100% pleasant for me or will I always have that terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach, or the “warning sign” flashing within? Doesn’t seem fair does it. But what is fair? They say that there is always someone else out there worse off than you. Whether or not this is true for everyone, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t help, well not for me anyway. In fact it makes me feel a lot worse. So the word fair, such a short word, I’ll give the dictionary definition first - free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. Ok so that’s the ‘official’ meaning. But what does fair mean to you? When I think of fair I think of ‘just’.  So to me, if someone says it’s unfair, they are saying something is unjust. Doesn’t everybody have the right to decide, for themselves, what is just or what isn’t? What seems unfair to me might not even seem worth a thought to the next person. So how can we really say “you’re not the only one, get over it.” Ouch! Is all I can say to that. What harsh words to say to someone who is distressed by something you care nothing about. I suppose you just have to try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think ‘if I was upset about something, how would I like to be treated?’ It’s all about equality. Ok so back to this BIG, nasty demon of mine, how do I get rid of it? Can it scream from the top of my lungs “BE GONE!!!” (I have tried this in the past and it hasn’t worked) Can it be pulled from my body so I can rugby tackle it? Unlikely, although it is a nice thought. No, I have to try to eliminate, as much as possible anyway, the inner evil by taking it head on. I am just not sure if my improving side is ready for such anguish. Especially when that dark cloud of self-harm and suicide do not seem to want to budge from above me.

Twenty Five

             And so I am, still here and still in hospital. I am actually starting to make some real progress in getting well. This is good, but I’m scared.  Doubts arise “what if I’m let out to early?” “what if I can’t cope?” “what if I just kill myself soon after anyway?” Twirling around in my head are these types of thoughts along with the already forceful negative ones. Don’t think about it I say to myself but if you’ve been reading my blog then you know that this is not an option for me. Wow, I hope that people who have control of their thoughts and feelings know just how lucky they are. I may get better but there is doubt whether I could fully be one of those people. I’m also scared because the dark, treacherous thoughts are still upon me, pressuring me to die. It’s like I have a dark evil aggressor trying to force my hand to give pain and even death to myself. I suppose I should be glad that there is an enlightened side there at all. I am just unaware of the level of force it could withstand against a side that has been around much longer and is equipped with much more practice and certainly more power. So what am I really saying here? Even I’m not 100% sure. I could be worried that after all this work, crying, heartache and pain, the dark side wins anyway and I die, or am I really scared that the light side will grow and I will actually go on to lead a happy and reasonable life... Happy... What a very strange word. I often wonder if I could be happy or better still, content. What an amazing sensation it must be, but still I am very deeply afraid. Now it’s coming out. I am afraid that if I get happy something will happen that rips it all out from under me, YANK! It’s gone! I suppose that’s what always happens. I start to enjoy myself or have fun and BAM I’m triggered or have harsh, upsetting words said to me. I suppose if I’m just depressed then this can’t happen can it. And if I am dead I will never have to be rejected or disappointed ever, ever again.

Twenty Four

          I went for a walk this morning and much to my surprise, when I had finished, I actually felt a bit taller. Amazing! My motivation is hanging by a thread today, just lightly swinging back and forwards. All this is uncharted territory to me. No matter how depressed and down in the dumps I’ve been in the past, most of the time I have been able to drive myself to get out there and do some exercise. I’m feeling the urge to hard and violently slap each side of my face, back and forwards, until I snap out of this slow uneventful state. At times I wonder, what’s happening to me? Could it be that within I have made up my mind about this depressing life already? If so then what am I still doing here? For goodness sakes, why drag this thing out any longer? Come on! Get with the program! Sounds easy enough hey. I guess I thought I had a flawless plan all worked out down to the time of the event. But these annoying doubts have been floating around my perfect system of attack. What if it doesn’t work and I end up crippled? What if I am caught way before hand and kicked out of the hospital? The first one is obviously the more severe case scenario but they are both still impacting my decision. I’ve, for most of my life, had nightmares and been afraid of the dark, but for the first time, that I can remember, I am laying in the dark and thinking “I don’t really care if I get stabbed, just come on  and get it over with already!” Wow! It’s a huge difference and a very bizarre feeling. So how do I tackle these problems that lay upon me... Hmm, the only thing that comes to mind is researching suicide further as well as working with the doctor about how to handle my mental states. I guess I’ll just see what comes first. It may sound a bit blaaz’a’ but seriously once you’ve felt like this for so long you just want it to be past tense, no matter how it comes. I feel as though a stanleyknife about now would be very handy indeed. It’s a bit like a twisted fantasy where I am alone and can slash myself anywhere to my heart’s content. Cutting and cutting until I feel light-headed, my eyes start to close slowly and eventually I bleed dry. It’s just one of the many sick thoughts that run through this crazy head of mine. I haven’t cut for a little while and the pressure to do so builds stronger by the day, obsession. My in hospital release or bad coping skill has been toying with strangulation, sometimes severity of this has come to a near unconscious state. I liked to go until my whole body tingled with a weird sensation. I think this has been previously mentioned so I won’t go into it. It’s hard to remember what you have or haven’t said doing these things. Anyway, on this high note I shall go and attempt rebounding such thoughts. Deep breaths, in then out.

Twenty Three

       How come people mostly feel hard done by? I wish I had this or life would be better if I had that.  More, more, more! I confess I do this too. If I looked like this I would be or if I had more money than I could or if I was better at this I would be able to. If I was just better all together, maybe someone special would love me. I might be worthy of this precious gift. I always fall for the ones I will never have, as has been noted before. But honestly, what do I have to complain about?  A lot people have a very severe physical health issue. Do they have the right to complain? What is the selection criteria you must have to qualify for such a thing? What, and I’d love to hear your ideas on this, is worse, a physical or a mental illness? Are they both equal? If so why? Please comment or send me a facebook message to let me know your thoughts on this. I’m very intrigued, thank you.  Well I am knackered and in need of sleep before I go off the deep end...again. I am in deep thought about a few issues. I hope that I am still able to sleep. As I become wearier, the dark thoughts increase. How do you I make myself stay safe in bed when my mind is repeating “suicide”... well I suppose I’ve done it before so why not again. All you can do is try. Night.

Twenty Two

          No! I’m not “okay!” I’ve been wanting to harm and kill myself for over half of my apparent life. Through this time a lot of things, beside the obvious, have become demented within me.  A knife is no longer a tool for a steak, no; it’s a weapon, a weapon to cause pain and disfigurement. When I see one my mind goes crazy, gimme gimme gimme! Seeing a car driving, or driving in a car, is no longer what it is. It’s an opportunity for impact and pain, blood and guts, death and nothingness. A ledge, a rope a clothesline, a belt, a tie, electrical cords, cleaning products, a pool, whatever, I’m sure you could imagine what I’m saying. In case you don’t, I will tell you. Every day, no matter how I seem to people on the outside, I am fighting a different sort of battle, the type where I must not give into my impulses and urges. It doesn’t matter who is with me or what I am doing, whether it be laughing or crying, walking or sitting. Sometimes one little movement is all it will take. “go on, do it. Go On, Do It. GO ON, DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!” “SHUT UP!” I get so confused, this little movement could end it all forever, so with that I’ve got the “DO I DON’T I DO I DON’T I” and the “YES NO YES NO I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER YES NO etc.” It sounds pretty damn noisy up there, and let me tell you, it is. I have a lot of trouble concentrating when there’s noise near me, I guess because I already have enough. Also I am still thinking about death and self harm. It seems that death may have subsided a tiny bit and self-harm has fired up a fair bit more. So really, what are you thinking right now? That I’m crazy, ha-ha well I am in a mental hospital people pay attention.   

Twenty One

      Oooh crappity crap crap! What the hell am I doing? Seriously what? I am not the same as everyone else, which is pretty obvious. But I don’t mean that in an “I’m unique” way. I am just explaining how I don’t function right. I feel that when I was made the concoction was all over the place. Now here I am chipping away at this experience called life. Every conscious person has it but nobody seems to have nailed the reason why. There are a lot of people who have an opinion on why we are all here. But who are we to judge and how are we to ever really know/findout the truth. Is that another issue that’s bothering me also? I do have many issues, small as well as BIG. What do I suppose the BIG ones are... hmm maybe I’ll leave that one alone tonight, I’m in a vulnerable state and that can be very dangerous. I’m also consumed with one of the BIG issues at the moment, and I’m not getting any nearer to the solution. Somehow I have to sort it out or I will die from suicide eventually, fact.  From the information in my past blog, I now realize that my brain is sending these negative, deathly feelings throughout my body. My heart seems to be hurting almost constantly. It is broken. OUCH! Harsh. I need an off switch so I suffer no more. You see when it’s the heart it seems to spread to areas surrounding. Wow! Amazing! The heart is sooo sensitive and delicate, is it really the brains signals? Blows me away. Tonight my body is wound up and wound down at the same time... How can this be? It’s a crazy feeling and the way to handling it is nowhere in my sights. I feel, as yesterday, that I want to run flat out into walls or cut my arms, also running around screaming is up there too. But the wound down, smaller half, feels awful and would like to retire to a dark corner and shiver. No it’s not cold, my body is kind of spazzo. And again the question is still on my back, weighing me down, Do I want the struggle to be over or to struggle for the rest of my life? I have been told that I can get through this. That I can get better... Hmm intrigue.

Twenty

         Ahhhhh! I have started and deleted this blog 3 times and I just can’t get it to flow. My mind is racing a million miles and I can’t decipher any of what it is saying. Is it saying anything or is it just useless noise? I feel anxious and weird like I want to run full pelt into a wall. Or cut my arms as many times as I can and then play in the blood. I feel a bit psycho. Please do not misinterpret, I would not hurt anybody else intentionally, trust me. Ooh trust, a spooky word that has started to die in our world today. Like guilt, I see and hear of a lot people not having much of it. If I mixed with someone like that, we would have the right amount. What a great idea, we can call it ‘mending with maths’ haha okay just kidding. But seriously what is going on. I can’t think about it, it does my head in and that’s already been achieved. Most of my day, within me, was descent. The afternoon bought clouds of darkness to follow me and bring me down. They held deep, dark feelings and thoughts. They made me see things through a type of black screen, negative and glum. How can this happen? One minute I’m coping averagely and then ‘WHAM!’ I shoot down like 2 tons of bricks. Okay so let’s recap – my feelings and thoughts function whether or not I permit. I react to them, i.e. self-harming, as a result I end up back at square 1, feeling like total crap and wanting to kill myself. – Hmm, something is certainly not right here. Maybe my heads just not screwed on properly. But for this vicious cycle to prevail I would need some kind of pattern.  These thoughts and feelings are me, they are me. The end! So what now? I die? I live and do what? What do I do, you tell me? My habitual state is so set in that I have no idea who I am or what I am to do. My mind is circling around these questions. Could it be true what has been told to me? Could these horrible feelings and thoughts towards me actually not be true? Wow! Now that would be something. I wonder what I would think about if all this negativity were to be drained from me. I imagine a pile of bones, woops! Tricky tricky, I am torn. Do I want to fight on and live? Like really live not exist and say bring it on and life’s a gift. Or do I want to die? Let go of life and say I don’t think I can hold on and life’s crap. Because of my mood I thought ‘is there any hot chicky babes on the other side... But back to reality, the above questions are damn serious to my future. Like the common line goes – “To be or not to be, that is thy question.” And it is.

Nineteen

          Today, hmm, what can I say about today? I think it is what the folks would say “okay thanks” and mean it... What is this strangeness in your words? What is this “okay” that you speak of? I have had okay days, but not for a long time. Lately I have had partially okay days. The problem with these ones is that most of the time I was thinking about death obsessively. I was with people I loved and who seem to love me too. I don’t know how to except their apparent love very well. I feel inside that I am hideous and unlovable so why would they? Then you get the head talk “nobody would love you, how could they with you not having anything useful to offer them, you’re ugly and unlikeable, so how? After the borderline positive moments that we’re touching on above, I would be straight back down like on a long slide pranked with razors. This makes me scared to have these okay days because the backlash is such a high price. I’m also scared that I will get kicked out of hospital before I’m ready. Because this is it, I get better or I hang myself, I’m not going through all this crap again, ever! If I have a chance and I do get better, somehow, I want to live not exist. Anyways a bit off topic but we’re all good. So, today I have been very busy most of the day. I like work, so it was no trouble to help out my aunty and uncle with their business. It was good to be doing some work, believe me. I arrived, after a big day, back to the hospital and I seemed to be okay to a degree. After maybe 1/2hr my mood started to drop a little. I don’t know how to cope when this darkness approaches me. I try to remember what little coping skills I do have, but this thing to BIG and wants to control me. It wants me to fall to the ground begging for mercy, just like I used to. In the fetal position I would lay on the floor, crying in emotional pain, whimpering “please, please leave me alone. Stop it.” Well not today, I have somehow managed. I didn’t think about death as much as usual but my self-harming thoughts in the last couple of days have somewhat increased. The problem is that I do not know whether my medications are actually starting to help or whether it is just because I was busy? Either way I guess it was okay-like in a weird way. But it’s also a problem because I need to get better enough that I can sit by myself and not have a breakdown. I guess, as they say; only time will tell. The question is, how much time do I have.

Eighteen

       I still have a tight, knot-like feeling in my stomach. It makes my breaths heavy and my chest churn, looking for relief. I am just trying to take deep breaths, which I’m still not very good at, waiting for it to calm a little. When thinking back, my life, on the surface, was somewhat perfect. I was buying a house, had a good job, was engaged, had great friends, etc. So one might ask, what happened then? I suppose I am too stuffed up in the head to really evaluate the situation properly. Self-destructive comes to mind, lack of self-control and coping with my condition also rate high. But then it goes to, what caused these problems? Because I feel so terrible all the time I feel that I must be an awful person and that’s why this has happened to me. It’s my fault and now I must be punished. It/I ruined all parts of my life; including the ones I loved the most. I am truly sorry to everyone who may have been affected by this/me. If I get through this, and I’m not sure I will, I have a lot of work to do to fix all the mess that lay before me. Okay, on another note, I saw the doctor yesterday afternoon. The doctor and I have been trying just about everything to improve my mental health. I looked deep down inside myself trying to find an apparent answer for lack of response to treatment. With that, plus the consultation with the doctor we worked out a bit of a direction. We discovered that the suicidal ideation is closely linked with the sexual abuse. We did not know this before because I hadn’t had too many flashbacks and wasn’t, in my head, thinking about it too much. Yesterday’s blog was a pretty big step for me. With typing it I realized that I don’t physically “think" about too much because I always try to force it out. But my feeling and emotions are utterly screwed up from this. Talking through this may result in a better state of mind and emotions. We also discovered that I have a severe fear of rejection and can get a bit manic. Plus I tend to dissociate a fair bit.  These discoveries may not seem like anything to you, but for me it is HUGE news. I guess like a type of solution, finally! For months we had tried to aimlessly fight this battle. Now we have some ammunition. Now we have a goal to work on and the psychiatrist knows how to get there. My mood is still unacceptably low so we need to sort out my medication also. But I suppose, if I make it, in time I may find a little word called hope.

Seventeen

      Secrets... We all have them. But to what extreme? Do you think the ‘little white’ ones are ok or are you more black and white towards it saying a lie is a lie? Some people say it’s to spare others feelings. What do you think? Or more to the point of this blog, what do I think? I tend to be black and white with it but of course, I have told lies. Is keeping secrets lying? I’m going to say no because a secret is just that, a secret and sometimes it’s not your secret to tell. As I’ve already pointed out previously, I have secrets. I don’t know what to do about them. I cannot tell them all for it will only bring guilt and suffering to the ones I love. I don’t want anyone blaming themselves for not picking up on it or letting me have contact with the person. I can’t, but I would like to see said person and ask them why and tell them how screwed up I am now as a result of these things. They could possibly just say “care factor 0”. I guess it’s like a closure thing. I have been blaming myself for these things for a lot of years and I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I heard them say to me “it wasn’t your fault, it was mine”, “I was in the wrong not you” or something, anything. I suppose in my head I think that I might be able to let go of it to a degree and heal a bit. I strongly doubt it, with the severity of my feelings and belief system that this would be at all what it’s been built up to be in my head. One of the nurses told me to write a letter to them. Here is a little bit of it –

 My insides are restless and my outsides are sick. My heart is sore, my body and mind are tired. For I have fought, fought alone, this everlasting battle. I wake up every day feeling these things. I am having all types of pills and therapy just to keep me alive another day, but I feel that I will fail because I ache as though irreparable. I blame myself for everything, even stuff I have no control over! Crazy hey! I know and believe me it’s not a walk in the park. You need to know that I’ve been hurting all these years and you need to pay attention.

This is just a part of it but you get the idea. I am really struggling and have been for many, many years. I have scars over my body and nightmares when I’m sleeping. But the hardest thing seems to be to love and be loved...you have no idea how messed up this is inside my heart and crazy mind. Also, how severely this impacts on all my relationships with anyone. To be given any type of affection is so difficult, I suppose because these events and insecurities are with me... haunting me. I have gotten much better now because I make myself cuddle and tell people I love them. A close friend and I nearly died, but that’s for another day, but since then I have wanted everybody to know exactly what they mean to me. Life’s too short and you never get a second chance when you’re dead. So for the past few years I have gotten better and better at expressing my love and affection. Those who know me will remember how much I would try to dodge the affectionate moments. Now you can see me hosting them. But what everyone doesn’t realize is that deep inside me there’s a warning light flashing and making me uncomfortable and scared. I trust these people and its ridiculous not to, but it is a fact that this is how I feel and it’s awfully hard and very real. Now I don’t want anybody to freak because I’ve shared this because I really love those who are close to my heart and it’s nothing to do with you. It’s the aftermath of these terrible situations and how much they impact on my life. Wow it’s good to get that out there! I feel a breakthrough coming with this because I knew it affected me, of course, I just didn’t realize how much.

Sixteen,

I feel scared to laugh for the fear of the fall afterwards. Even if I do laugh it’s half-hearted because I feel that the liveliness has been drained out of me. So what is life without happiness? Hard? Painful? Not worth it? But it’s me who feels unworthy. So how can I turn this around? What can I do to turn my life around? I’m not sure I can, I’m tired from all the previous struggling. I seem to have gotten nowhere. So, what, I’m just supposed to let my life end... That’s exactly what I mean. I should be thinking “what are a few more months compared to all those years?” I can try and try to make myself think this, but my brain resists it. The suicidal thoughts are too strong and persistent, over and over, “GIVE ME A BREAK!” Plus all the planning and obsession that comes with it. You know I was sitting with my dad; we were looking at some birds. I kind all of got lost in my thoughts. He asked me “what are you thinking about?” “I said “you don’t want to know trust me.” I was in deep thought about killing myself with a big knife. Stabbing myself in the heart or cutting open my throat at least half the way through, wondering which way would be more painful, sufficient and/or quicker. I suppose you only die once so whether or not pain is an issue to you. It’s different for everyone. Me personally would like to go the quickest way because then nobody has a chance to find me before it’s completed, as I’ve mentioned previously. Hmm, could I perhaps change my mind? Or wake up one morning and all this pressure and negativity gone? I found out the other night, from a very dear friend of mine, that our feelings are the result of messages and signals from the brain. Wow! I really did not know that. I thought feelings were separate because they’re so powerful. So what are my thoughts towards my condition now? They’re still extremely real for me! So I can seriously ponder over this fact to find the ‘truth’. But at this stage, the ‘truth’ for me is that these emotions are tearing me apart. I can’t seem to escape! Possibly this fact may confuse me even further. But it’s worth the time if in fact some truth and knowledge may come from it. After all this is supposed to be a journey of truth, in saying that I am hoping that finding/sharing the truth will then set me free. If only I could share the truth about everything.   

Fifteen

Early,
     So I woke this morning at 4 am. The repetative thoughts going around in my head, such as, "Why am I here?" (in the world) "What is the point of all this struggling and pain?" "I should be dead... I'm supposed to be dead." "I'm never going to get through this." "I'm not strong enough." "I'm not worth all the worry and hassle." "The only way is to die." It's not exactly good morning is it?" All these thoughts and feelings are spinning and racing though my head and back around for round two, three, four, five etc. Also, oh yes, we can't forget that wonderfully powerful feeling that comes in a package deal with all this. Always there making me feel great! (sarcasm) Yes, that's right - guilt. Now this is a constant with me. A couple of the ways it works. Ok, I have all these lovely, supportive people in my life when I want to end mine. I feel guily when I might say the wrong thing and I'm not talking a little bit of guilt, I'm saying a huge amount of guilt even when the other person has said they've let go because it was minor while I'm there with thoughts such as "I'm useless, worthless, stupid ect." Guilty when I make a minor mistake. I can sit here now and say, like I would to a friend, nobodies perfect, everybody makes mistakes. Well apparently I'm not allowed to according to my brain and innards. I mean the amount of guilt is absolutely ridiculous. I can say this now whilst here, but you can guarantee the next time it happens I will be freaked out because I made the mistake, scared of getting into trouble and worried that people won't like me anymore, blah blah blah. I want to scream at myself "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Moving on, just being awake here, now, breathing as I type, I can feel the knife that's punctured through my heart, twisting. It's not moving fast enough that it will just kill me, no, just slow enough that I can feel the blade scraping around and around and the hole in my heart is becoming bigger. I stick to my routine in the morning, get up, make bed, shower and do hair, oh yeah, and a wee. I also had a very freaky experience. I accidentally caught my eye in the mirror. I looked away almost instantly with a gasp for breath. But, although it scared me, I wanted to look again. With that, I slowly turned to face toward the mirror and looked into my eyes again... it was very eerie. I couldn't hold my eye for very long at all. But the time I did manage, I was scared. I looked deep into my pupils and it felt like I was looking into my black, damaged  soul, like if I made a sound they would swallow me whole. Now I start to think, if I can't look into my own eyes, what are other people seeing? I never expect them to talk to me half the time let alone look into my horrible eyes. Spooky.

Fourteen

thinking...
     I've been thinking alot lately, which I suppose is no surprise because I can't control my thoughts or feelings. I guess my mind is obsessed with particular things. Past mistakes and losses, the presents craziness and insecurity, the future's potential problems and struggles, all these, with many other things. Such as self-harm, self destruction, the important ones in my life, just to name a few and of course the most dangerous one, death. I feel weighed down with all these things and many more. Because I'm a bit morbid , especially at the moment, I am drawing like this woman who looks depressed. Her skin is starting to rip off because she has weights hanging off her and she's crying a lot of blood. I can relate to this picture because I can feel the weights pulling off my skin. Bit by bit it tears slowly down ripping more and more strips off me. I'm paralysed. My skin is bloody, open and raw. I can feel the pain of each bit, at times the breeze lightly blows across my extremely sensitive flesh. I try to scream but no noise comes out of my mouth. I'm trapped and everybody just stares... no one will help me. More people come and they start pointing and laughing, whispering about me. I'm pleading silently, but nobody comes to my aid. Can you imagine, I mean truly imagine, your flesh getting slowly ripped off you? Imagine how much pain that would be. Wouldn't you be begging for death? I know I am. Mine is my inner skin being torn from within and the pain, at times, is excruciating! Wouldn't you just want to die, want it all to stop? Well people, welcome to my world.

Thirteen

next day,
      Well, it's starts again. The emptiness within that cannot seem to be filled. Staring into space... perhaps looking for the answers I need, the answers that could set me free. Ha, I'm quickly learning that this does not seem to be a possiblity for me. A suggested idea was that if I found a new girlfriend, that might help. I don't know how anyone could love me. I feel that I am trash and should be dumped with the rest of the junk at the tip. I have this saying off the net which is great. I hope you don't mind if I share it with you;
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strenght to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down  your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friends pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show them,
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
I'm not sure who the author is but it has a real point don't you think?
As this new day approaches, I feel scared and uneasy. For I do not know what the day will bring for me. With how I've been feeling, anyday could be my last. I believe that this will bring me peace and harmony. But it must be done right, to the tee. My loved ones I will miss dearly. Although once you're dead, you probably feel nothing. Oh just the thought! When I was younger, I had someone who was very mean to me and nobody did squat about it. I felt so upset and worthless, although it took me a few years or so to realise just how much this had affected me. I wake up everyday believing that what they said is true. So with the feelings of unloved mixed with worthless, it makes sense that it is true. I don't know any better even though I have tried and tried. It's my way of thinking now. So waking up, fight another day and going to bed with the same thought pattern, a very tricky nut to crack. It seems that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll alway be fat. No matter how cool my haircut is, I'll always be ugly. No matter how fast I run... it/they will always catch me.




    

Twelve

It's just plain annoying!
    It's like I've said before, if you're not bawling your eyes out then people presume that you are fine. This is soooo wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG!! So far from the truth because it is deep down within that holds this tormented soul. Sometimes you just move past tears beacause you've cried for so long and the pain becomes your everyday struggle. Inside, all over you, is fighting just to do everyday tasks. People take this privilege, yes privilege, for granted. They have no idea at all how much effort it takes just to do the simple things, how draining and overwhelming it is. They can't see it so it musn't be there. "You seem happier today" - rubbish! "You look better today" - bullcrap! " "You laughed earlier so it was gone for a while, remember the good times" - shut up! This is not true, to me anyway. It's always there, I always feel it, dragging me down and making me feel like I'm worth nothing at all. So what, I might smile at times and laugh even, but that doesn't mean it's actually gone for a while. It's still there. Deep down painful, and at times, torturous feelings are eating away at my insides. Slowly and painfully devouring me. But as people "can't see it," It musn't be there - whatever! I know I'm sounding a little harsh here people but you got to understand that after hearing these lines so often it becomes tiring and I'm worn out enough from the inner turmoil. I don't need people's "supposed to be helpful" words of apparent wisdom. I just would like everyone to accept that this is not just some story or so called words. This is very real and extremely likely to be the end of me. So please, stop saying thing when you have no idea.I feel it just about all the time and when I say that I mean it. Bad dreams at night, negative head talk and suicidal or self-harming thoughts. How? When? "Do it, you deserve it" "Cut yourself, give me pain and blood, lots of blood." To name a few. I am convinced by it that I deserve to be dead. But as it stands now, I want to be dead. There's only so much a person can take and I think I've about reached my limit.

Eleven

It's head high and seeping through my every pore, it's poison. Poison known as depression. It's forever flowing, never seeming to end. My feelings within a severly low and my thoughts are dark, planning my way out. Planning my escape from this world we live in. I sit on the floor in the corner of my room, hands on head, trying to stop the noise inside of me. I truely believe that me dying is enevitable. Sometimes things are just meant to be, I'm just stuck in this whirlwind of negativity that's slowly, and painfully dragging my life out. Therefore, if I don't murder me, someone or something will. Please try not to think of this in a negative light, as the world will keep spinning afterall. Here we are again at death. I should be dead, I'm meant to be dead. Like I've said, "I wasn't made for this place!" So do it fool!... Maybe in time, hopefully not too far from now, I will. It's time though, to get these plans more set up and accurate. But, as there always is, I am afraid, scared, of failing. Perhaps being found before it is done. That's why night is more preferable. How would I face all the people I'd let down? Also, I've heard stories about people who tried to complete suicide and failed. They are now disabled in some way. Imagine that...I would absolutely hate, hate, hate to do that to my friends or family! It's not fair on them at all, they didn't ask for a looney for a friend or family member. No, if it's to be done, it's got to be done right. I'm thinking again that the bathroom would be a good option. But in first place I have outside, that way I can't be found for a while. See I've researched how it works and worst case scenario, roughly, is supposed to be about 20 minutes. Don't be taken back by this. I am writing this because it's very much my reality and I am writing this to say it like it is. It is also to share my past, present, and future experiences. So, as it goes, "If you don't like it then don't read it" pretty simple. All this time I've been painfully screaming and crying inside but putting on the face everyone wants to see. When it gets too much just saying "I need to go to the toilet." In there I shed some tears and very carefully take those deep breaths and away we go again. Even now I still do the fake smile, it's just a habit and afterall, do people really,even want to know? My guess is no. It's just an Aussie thing I think. "How ya goin mate?" "Good thanks cobber!" Yep and I still to this day have slipped at times. I have gotten a bit better. See I say "Ok thanks" which is reasonably true...ish. Well I'm still here and people seem to think that's a good thing. Beyond me how though. I am trying really hard to stop hiding the real me so we can deal with the issues. It's very hard when you've tried to block it out so much. As for now I am slowly getting it out there. Guess I'll find out pretty soon who my real friends are. Also I've got to watch out because this tends to lead me to talk a bit morbidly. So I guess, in this instance, sometimes you just have to choose your battles. Right so moving on. How is your pain theshold? Mine, myself, I confess has weakend a bit. This strangely happened to me when I fell in love with my ex fiance. They somehow opened up a vulerable side in me. A side that has been long locked away so no one could ever hurt me again... It didn't work because I have still been hurt many a time, I think my heart gets in the way. Back to the subject, Their love and support and just who they are, made me feel safe enough to let down my guard. How different and wonderful. For a while it was like I had a second opinion to help me make decisions and also to help me carry the load. Sometimes I think I had the perfect relationship and screwed it up, like I screw everything else - self distructive. Anyway, got to build my wall back up. But is it healthy to be so shut off with people? I'm going to go with no. Shutting people out can cause you to miss out on getting close with others and be able to show the real you. It builds a stronger and more honest relationship in which you and the relationship can grow. Also letting down your guard, though extremely difficult, is a honest, very courageous, and strengthening approach to situations. I know letting people in is terrifying because you can only control 50% of the relationship. The other person has the same, 50%, which makes the odds of them not accepting you half and half. Remember, if they don't accept you, it's not your fault. Not everyone is supposed to click with everyone. Try to remember the saying, "What people think of me is none of my business.

Ten

...
   The impact of words and actions can be very powerful indeed. We as people have the ability to forgive... or do we? Do we ever really forget? I suppose it depends on the severity of the situation. Perhaps it was extremely uncalled for and is because the said person was frustrated, or perhaps it even triggered something off within us. Our reactions to such things are very crucial in our, and the other peoples, future. Forgiving... is that the correct word if we don't let go of what's happened? Is it really forgiving them? I thought when someone says "You're forgiven" means"ok, lets move on and never bring it up again." Even, and especially in the heat of the moment. Have you thought about your outlook on this situation? Well maybe it's about time you did. This very small change could change you relationships for the better, if it's mutual. When I look around I always see a lot of busy people, rush, rush, rush. Really, has it always been like this? My guess would be no. But how would I know? I think we all need to take it down a couple of notches. Pay attention to what we are doing, who is with us and just admire the small things. I know, that's rich coming from me. As they "Practice what you preach". I wish I could. Why is it that we can give nice helpful advice to others, but don't seem to take it onboard ourselves? We seem to be very hard on ourselves. I suppose for me, I feel so worthless that I need to try and be perfect and do everything right so I am good enough for the ones nearest to my heart. I can't make mistakes, which is impossible, but I feel aweful when I do, like really, really gutted. I try so hard because I want to be good enough for them to love me back. There are things, situations, that have gone on throughout my time in the world that has proven to me that I am worthless, truthfully. I don't know any different. I'm programmed this way. I don't feel any different. Also in many situations I feel like I'm that helpless, useless little girl again, yearning for affection. There are areas within me that have conflict over the truth about me and truth about the world. For instance, one part of me may be saying "You don't deserve to be here. You're only a nuisance. You are nothing and you never will be. You crazy 'da didi da da blah!" And there's a tinsy winsy teenie tiny little part of me somewhere in there that feels very strange... Foreign, uncharted territory. I suppose it could be uncharted because I'm scared. Scared of my hopes and dreams being crushed yet again. Very wary of ever trying to get there and explore this long lost feeling. I guess because of all the pain and suffering I've been put through already. I've been let down nearly every time before. With this... I'm saying that I have felt so low at these times and had such hateful feelings towards myself. I remember when I was about 12 I was in my room bawling and writing " I HATE MYSELF!" on sheets of paper and ripping and scrunching them up in frustration towards myself. Some of the stuff racing through my head was "Your a stupid idiot!," " I hate myself!" "Nobody loves me!" "I'm not worth nothing ever!" Then my problem solving thinking cap would eventually flick on and yes, " I wish I was dead!" Lack of coping has always been a problem with me, I just can't handle anything. So death, yes death, is the magical answer to all my problems. Wow! It's really quiet amazing that one can make sense of this life we have. I'm actually terrified! Should I have a little faith or am I just going to be let down once again? They say, " No we won't leave you or bail on you, then WHAM!! They're gone in a flash. And so I'm back to square 1, alone and challenged. You know what the stupid thing is? I actually had believed in these people, I fell for it, everytime! I guess that's my own fault then hey, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Even just looking at, thinking about, or being around certain people makes my heart feel as though it's been ripped out of my chest. Then doubled into a soccer ball. I feel it being kicked around, blood splashing around in a trail where it's been, leaving the ground stained with blood. I feel it as if it were literal. But the wierd thing is that I don't want to go and grab it and cradle it back into good health. No, I want to pick it up and throw it far, far away where me and no one else will ever find it! That would be wonderful, for the pain is often unbearable. So if I have it ripped out and turfed away I would not have to deal with the constant heart ache. Now the thought of manually cutting it out has come to mind... To me, everything is a possibility.