Eleven

It's head high and seeping through my every pore, it's poison. Poison known as depression. It's forever flowing, never seeming to end. My feelings within a severly low and my thoughts are dark, planning my way out. Planning my escape from this world we live in. I sit on the floor in the corner of my room, hands on head, trying to stop the noise inside of me. I truely believe that me dying is enevitable. Sometimes things are just meant to be, I'm just stuck in this whirlwind of negativity that's slowly, and painfully dragging my life out. Therefore, if I don't murder me, someone or something will. Please try not to think of this in a negative light, as the world will keep spinning afterall. Here we are again at death. I should be dead, I'm meant to be dead. Like I've said, "I wasn't made for this place!" So do it fool!... Maybe in time, hopefully not too far from now, I will. It's time though, to get these plans more set up and accurate. But, as there always is, I am afraid, scared, of failing. Perhaps being found before it is done. That's why night is more preferable. How would I face all the people I'd let down? Also, I've heard stories about people who tried to complete suicide and failed. They are now disabled in some way. Imagine that...I would absolutely hate, hate, hate to do that to my friends or family! It's not fair on them at all, they didn't ask for a looney for a friend or family member. No, if it's to be done, it's got to be done right. I'm thinking again that the bathroom would be a good option. But in first place I have outside, that way I can't be found for a while. See I've researched how it works and worst case scenario, roughly, is supposed to be about 20 minutes. Don't be taken back by this. I am writing this because it's very much my reality and I am writing this to say it like it is. It is also to share my past, present, and future experiences. So, as it goes, "If you don't like it then don't read it" pretty simple. All this time I've been painfully screaming and crying inside but putting on the face everyone wants to see. When it gets too much just saying "I need to go to the toilet." In there I shed some tears and very carefully take those deep breaths and away we go again. Even now I still do the fake smile, it's just a habit and afterall, do people really,even want to know? My guess is no. It's just an Aussie thing I think. "How ya goin mate?" "Good thanks cobber!" Yep and I still to this day have slipped at times. I have gotten a bit better. See I say "Ok thanks" which is reasonably true...ish. Well I'm still here and people seem to think that's a good thing. Beyond me how though. I am trying really hard to stop hiding the real me so we can deal with the issues. It's very hard when you've tried to block it out so much. As for now I am slowly getting it out there. Guess I'll find out pretty soon who my real friends are. Also I've got to watch out because this tends to lead me to talk a bit morbidly. So I guess, in this instance, sometimes you just have to choose your battles. Right so moving on. How is your pain theshold? Mine, myself, I confess has weakend a bit. This strangely happened to me when I fell in love with my ex fiance. They somehow opened up a vulerable side in me. A side that has been long locked away so no one could ever hurt me again... It didn't work because I have still been hurt many a time, I think my heart gets in the way. Back to the subject, Their love and support and just who they are, made me feel safe enough to let down my guard. How different and wonderful. For a while it was like I had a second opinion to help me make decisions and also to help me carry the load. Sometimes I think I had the perfect relationship and screwed it up, like I screw everything else - self distructive. Anyway, got to build my wall back up. But is it healthy to be so shut off with people? I'm going to go with no. Shutting people out can cause you to miss out on getting close with others and be able to show the real you. It builds a stronger and more honest relationship in which you and the relationship can grow. Also letting down your guard, though extremely difficult, is a honest, very courageous, and strengthening approach to situations. I know letting people in is terrifying because you can only control 50% of the relationship. The other person has the same, 50%, which makes the odds of them not accepting you half and half. Remember, if they don't accept you, it's not your fault. Not everyone is supposed to click with everyone. Try to remember the saying, "What people think of me is none of my business.