Twenty Four

          I went for a walk this morning and much to my surprise, when I had finished, I actually felt a bit taller. Amazing! My motivation is hanging by a thread today, just lightly swinging back and forwards. All this is uncharted territory to me. No matter how depressed and down in the dumps I’ve been in the past, most of the time I have been able to drive myself to get out there and do some exercise. I’m feeling the urge to hard and violently slap each side of my face, back and forwards, until I snap out of this slow uneventful state. At times I wonder, what’s happening to me? Could it be that within I have made up my mind about this depressing life already? If so then what am I still doing here? For goodness sakes, why drag this thing out any longer? Come on! Get with the program! Sounds easy enough hey. I guess I thought I had a flawless plan all worked out down to the time of the event. But these annoying doubts have been floating around my perfect system of attack. What if it doesn’t work and I end up crippled? What if I am caught way before hand and kicked out of the hospital? The first one is obviously the more severe case scenario but they are both still impacting my decision. I’ve, for most of my life, had nightmares and been afraid of the dark, but for the first time, that I can remember, I am laying in the dark and thinking “I don’t really care if I get stabbed, just come on  and get it over with already!” Wow! It’s a huge difference and a very bizarre feeling. So how do I tackle these problems that lay upon me... Hmm, the only thing that comes to mind is researching suicide further as well as working with the doctor about how to handle my mental states. I guess I’ll just see what comes first. It may sound a bit blaaz’a’ but seriously once you’ve felt like this for so long you just want it to be past tense, no matter how it comes. I feel as though a stanleyknife about now would be very handy indeed. It’s a bit like a twisted fantasy where I am alone and can slash myself anywhere to my heart’s content. Cutting and cutting until I feel light-headed, my eyes start to close slowly and eventually I bleed dry. It’s just one of the many sick thoughts that run through this crazy head of mine. I haven’t cut for a little while and the pressure to do so builds stronger by the day, obsession. My in hospital release or bad coping skill has been toying with strangulation, sometimes severity of this has come to a near unconscious state. I liked to go until my whole body tingled with a weird sensation. I think this has been previously mentioned so I won’t go into it. It’s hard to remember what you have or haven’t said doing these things. Anyway, on this high note I shall go and attempt rebounding such thoughts. Deep breaths, in then out.