Nineteen

          Today, hmm, what can I say about today? I think it is what the folks would say “okay thanks” and mean it... What is this strangeness in your words? What is this “okay” that you speak of? I have had okay days, but not for a long time. Lately I have had partially okay days. The problem with these ones is that most of the time I was thinking about death obsessively. I was with people I loved and who seem to love me too. I don’t know how to except their apparent love very well. I feel inside that I am hideous and unlovable so why would they? Then you get the head talk “nobody would love you, how could they with you not having anything useful to offer them, you’re ugly and unlikeable, so how? After the borderline positive moments that we’re touching on above, I would be straight back down like on a long slide pranked with razors. This makes me scared to have these okay days because the backlash is such a high price. I’m also scared that I will get kicked out of hospital before I’m ready. Because this is it, I get better or I hang myself, I’m not going through all this crap again, ever! If I have a chance and I do get better, somehow, I want to live not exist. Anyways a bit off topic but we’re all good. So, today I have been very busy most of the day. I like work, so it was no trouble to help out my aunty and uncle with their business. It was good to be doing some work, believe me. I arrived, after a big day, back to the hospital and I seemed to be okay to a degree. After maybe 1/2hr my mood started to drop a little. I don’t know how to cope when this darkness approaches me. I try to remember what little coping skills I do have, but this thing to BIG and wants to control me. It wants me to fall to the ground begging for mercy, just like I used to. In the fetal position I would lay on the floor, crying in emotional pain, whimpering “please, please leave me alone. Stop it.” Well not today, I have somehow managed. I didn’t think about death as much as usual but my self-harming thoughts in the last couple of days have somewhat increased. The problem is that I do not know whether my medications are actually starting to help or whether it is just because I was busy? Either way I guess it was okay-like in a weird way. But it’s also a problem because I need to get better enough that I can sit by myself and not have a breakdown. I guess, as they say; only time will tell. The question is, how much time do I have.