Thirty Three

                Have you ever spent ages just wondering what it would be like to be hit by a car? You can’t be distracted from it. When you think about it, you’re momentarily obsessed. Imagining all the different speeds and what the damage would be and how it would feel, if you were alive to feel it that is. I do. I daydream about it fairly regularly of late, the reason? I’m not sure. I ruminate how far I think I would fly through the air at 60km, the highway is a bit of an obvious one but I still imagine in my mind what that might look like. For some reason when I think about it I actually feel quite excited.  BRRRM BRRRM... SMASH!! I’m trying to concentrate and talk with people and its there in my brain. I am trying to accept that yes, I am thinking about it, but I do not have to act on it. We’ll see how that goes. This is pretty messed up. Do people think I’m a sicko? I can’t worry about that at this stage. It is a fact that I do think about these things so either way it changes nothing except making me feel worse. Last night I was cutting the tape off the boxes, I seemed to get more and more wound up, as in excitable – psychotic, and in the end wanted to slash myself to bits. Everywhere, arms, legs, stomach, the bottom of my feet so the pain would be there every day when I walked and the deep cuts would reopen and bleed. It was crazy. I’m crazy, or as a dear friend of mine to be says, ‘quirky.’ I am leaving today and will just see what the day brings.