Thirteen

next day,
      Well, it's starts again. The emptiness within that cannot seem to be filled. Staring into space... perhaps looking for the answers I need, the answers that could set me free. Ha, I'm quickly learning that this does not seem to be a possiblity for me. A suggested idea was that if I found a new girlfriend, that might help. I don't know how anyone could love me. I feel that I am trash and should be dumped with the rest of the junk at the tip. I have this saying off the net which is great. I hope you don't mind if I share it with you;
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strenght to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down  your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friends pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show them,
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
I'm not sure who the author is but it has a real point don't you think?
As this new day approaches, I feel scared and uneasy. For I do not know what the day will bring for me. With how I've been feeling, anyday could be my last. I believe that this will bring me peace and harmony. But it must be done right, to the tee. My loved ones I will miss dearly. Although once you're dead, you probably feel nothing. Oh just the thought! When I was younger, I had someone who was very mean to me and nobody did squat about it. I felt so upset and worthless, although it took me a few years or so to realise just how much this had affected me. I wake up everyday believing that what they said is true. So with the feelings of unloved mixed with worthless, it makes sense that it is true. I don't know any better even though I have tried and tried. It's my way of thinking now. So waking up, fight another day and going to bed with the same thought pattern, a very tricky nut to crack. It seems that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll alway be fat. No matter how cool my haircut is, I'll always be ugly. No matter how fast I run... it/they will always catch me.