Twenty Seven

           Right, so today was actually pretty alright thanks. Wow I never thought it would ever be! I still got a very long and treacherous road ahead but I have also come so far since I got here. I must stick with it and try to persist with my recovery. I would like not to have too many setbacks and, again, put in my all and fight hard to stay well. I want to leave the hospital soon but have a few queries, I wrote them down to ask the doc about. 1 – I am worried that I will be let out or kicked out before I’m ready. He said that won’t happen, it will be a mutual decision by us. 2 – We’ve worked for over 4 months to get this thing going, so what if it’s spoilt by me becoming too distressed and unable to cope, so I kill myself anyway. He said I don’t think that is going to happen. 3 – I’m worried that there will be no support for me when I leave, e.g. health plan, professional help. He said there will be one set up for me. 4 – I feel that self-harm is quickly going to re-establish itself as my main way of coping and I don’t yet have the skills to tackle this. He said the DBT course I will start when I am more stable and less inclined to be so easily triggered will teach me such skills. 5 – I don’t want to end up back here. He said that’s the plan (as in not to). 6 – (last but certainly not least) I want to say goodbye to one of the very lovely staff members here. He said so you think she’s alright then? I replied she is beautiful! And WOW is she what!!!! I am also very concerned about the dark evil thoughts that still roam within me. They are still giving me the same message ‘kill myself, cut myself, jump in front of that car, this good feeling is fake, etc.’ We talked a little bit about that and I suppose if you have thought a certain way for so long, it just sticks. So another words, I have to reprogram, as such, upstairs. Also, I must confront all the issues and work through them, obviously. I guess in more than one way, old habits die hard.

Twenty Six

         Facing 1 demon from the past at a time, this one is extremely tough. The one I speak of is the sexual assault. This one haunts me day and night. My feelings have altered immensely since these recurring events. This is horrific and has changed my whole life, more than likely forever. Will touch ever be 100% pleasant for me or will I always have that terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach, or the “warning sign” flashing within? Doesn’t seem fair does it. But what is fair? They say that there is always someone else out there worse off than you. Whether or not this is true for everyone, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t help, well not for me anyway. In fact it makes me feel a lot worse. So the word fair, such a short word, I’ll give the dictionary definition first - free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. Ok so that’s the ‘official’ meaning. But what does fair mean to you? When I think of fair I think of ‘just’.  So to me, if someone says it’s unfair, they are saying something is unjust. Doesn’t everybody have the right to decide, for themselves, what is just or what isn’t? What seems unfair to me might not even seem worth a thought to the next person. So how can we really say “you’re not the only one, get over it.” Ouch! Is all I can say to that. What harsh words to say to someone who is distressed by something you care nothing about. I suppose you just have to try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think ‘if I was upset about something, how would I like to be treated?’ It’s all about equality. Ok so back to this BIG, nasty demon of mine, how do I get rid of it? Can it scream from the top of my lungs “BE GONE!!!” (I have tried this in the past and it hasn’t worked) Can it be pulled from my body so I can rugby tackle it? Unlikely, although it is a nice thought. No, I have to try to eliminate, as much as possible anyway, the inner evil by taking it head on. I am just not sure if my improving side is ready for such anguish. Especially when that dark cloud of self-harm and suicide do not seem to want to budge from above me.

Twenty Five

             And so I am, still here and still in hospital. I am actually starting to make some real progress in getting well. This is good, but I’m scared.  Doubts arise “what if I’m let out to early?” “what if I can’t cope?” “what if I just kill myself soon after anyway?” Twirling around in my head are these types of thoughts along with the already forceful negative ones. Don’t think about it I say to myself but if you’ve been reading my blog then you know that this is not an option for me. Wow, I hope that people who have control of their thoughts and feelings know just how lucky they are. I may get better but there is doubt whether I could fully be one of those people. I’m also scared because the dark, treacherous thoughts are still upon me, pressuring me to die. It’s like I have a dark evil aggressor trying to force my hand to give pain and even death to myself. I suppose I should be glad that there is an enlightened side there at all. I am just unaware of the level of force it could withstand against a side that has been around much longer and is equipped with much more practice and certainly more power. So what am I really saying here? Even I’m not 100% sure. I could be worried that after all this work, crying, heartache and pain, the dark side wins anyway and I die, or am I really scared that the light side will grow and I will actually go on to lead a happy and reasonable life... Happy... What a very strange word. I often wonder if I could be happy or better still, content. What an amazing sensation it must be, but still I am very deeply afraid. Now it’s coming out. I am afraid that if I get happy something will happen that rips it all out from under me, YANK! It’s gone! I suppose that’s what always happens. I start to enjoy myself or have fun and BAM I’m triggered or have harsh, upsetting words said to me. I suppose if I’m just depressed then this can’t happen can it. And if I am dead I will never have to be rejected or disappointed ever, ever again.

Twenty Four

          I went for a walk this morning and much to my surprise, when I had finished, I actually felt a bit taller. Amazing! My motivation is hanging by a thread today, just lightly swinging back and forwards. All this is uncharted territory to me. No matter how depressed and down in the dumps I’ve been in the past, most of the time I have been able to drive myself to get out there and do some exercise. I’m feeling the urge to hard and violently slap each side of my face, back and forwards, until I snap out of this slow uneventful state. At times I wonder, what’s happening to me? Could it be that within I have made up my mind about this depressing life already? If so then what am I still doing here? For goodness sakes, why drag this thing out any longer? Come on! Get with the program! Sounds easy enough hey. I guess I thought I had a flawless plan all worked out down to the time of the event. But these annoying doubts have been floating around my perfect system of attack. What if it doesn’t work and I end up crippled? What if I am caught way before hand and kicked out of the hospital? The first one is obviously the more severe case scenario but they are both still impacting my decision. I’ve, for most of my life, had nightmares and been afraid of the dark, but for the first time, that I can remember, I am laying in the dark and thinking “I don’t really care if I get stabbed, just come on  and get it over with already!” Wow! It’s a huge difference and a very bizarre feeling. So how do I tackle these problems that lay upon me... Hmm, the only thing that comes to mind is researching suicide further as well as working with the doctor about how to handle my mental states. I guess I’ll just see what comes first. It may sound a bit blaaz’a’ but seriously once you’ve felt like this for so long you just want it to be past tense, no matter how it comes. I feel as though a stanleyknife about now would be very handy indeed. It’s a bit like a twisted fantasy where I am alone and can slash myself anywhere to my heart’s content. Cutting and cutting until I feel light-headed, my eyes start to close slowly and eventually I bleed dry. It’s just one of the many sick thoughts that run through this crazy head of mine. I haven’t cut for a little while and the pressure to do so builds stronger by the day, obsession. My in hospital release or bad coping skill has been toying with strangulation, sometimes severity of this has come to a near unconscious state. I liked to go until my whole body tingled with a weird sensation. I think this has been previously mentioned so I won’t go into it. It’s hard to remember what you have or haven’t said doing these things. Anyway, on this high note I shall go and attempt rebounding such thoughts. Deep breaths, in then out.

Twenty Three

       How come people mostly feel hard done by? I wish I had this or life would be better if I had that.  More, more, more! I confess I do this too. If I looked like this I would be or if I had more money than I could or if I was better at this I would be able to. If I was just better all together, maybe someone special would love me. I might be worthy of this precious gift. I always fall for the ones I will never have, as has been noted before. But honestly, what do I have to complain about?  A lot people have a very severe physical health issue. Do they have the right to complain? What is the selection criteria you must have to qualify for such a thing? What, and I’d love to hear your ideas on this, is worse, a physical or a mental illness? Are they both equal? If so why? Please comment or send me a facebook message to let me know your thoughts on this. I’m very intrigued, thank you.  Well I am knackered and in need of sleep before I go off the deep end...again. I am in deep thought about a few issues. I hope that I am still able to sleep. As I become wearier, the dark thoughts increase. How do you I make myself stay safe in bed when my mind is repeating “suicide”... well I suppose I’ve done it before so why not again. All you can do is try. Night.

Twenty Two

          No! I’m not “okay!” I’ve been wanting to harm and kill myself for over half of my apparent life. Through this time a lot of things, beside the obvious, have become demented within me.  A knife is no longer a tool for a steak, no; it’s a weapon, a weapon to cause pain and disfigurement. When I see one my mind goes crazy, gimme gimme gimme! Seeing a car driving, or driving in a car, is no longer what it is. It’s an opportunity for impact and pain, blood and guts, death and nothingness. A ledge, a rope a clothesline, a belt, a tie, electrical cords, cleaning products, a pool, whatever, I’m sure you could imagine what I’m saying. In case you don’t, I will tell you. Every day, no matter how I seem to people on the outside, I am fighting a different sort of battle, the type where I must not give into my impulses and urges. It doesn’t matter who is with me or what I am doing, whether it be laughing or crying, walking or sitting. Sometimes one little movement is all it will take. “go on, do it. Go On, Do It. GO ON, DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!” “SHUT UP!” I get so confused, this little movement could end it all forever, so with that I’ve got the “DO I DON’T I DO I DON’T I” and the “YES NO YES NO I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER YES NO etc.” It sounds pretty damn noisy up there, and let me tell you, it is. I have a lot of trouble concentrating when there’s noise near me, I guess because I already have enough. Also I am still thinking about death and self harm. It seems that death may have subsided a tiny bit and self-harm has fired up a fair bit more. So really, what are you thinking right now? That I’m crazy, ha-ha well I am in a mental hospital people pay attention.   

Twenty One

      Oooh crappity crap crap! What the hell am I doing? Seriously what? I am not the same as everyone else, which is pretty obvious. But I don’t mean that in an “I’m unique” way. I am just explaining how I don’t function right. I feel that when I was made the concoction was all over the place. Now here I am chipping away at this experience called life. Every conscious person has it but nobody seems to have nailed the reason why. There are a lot of people who have an opinion on why we are all here. But who are we to judge and how are we to ever really know/findout the truth. Is that another issue that’s bothering me also? I do have many issues, small as well as BIG. What do I suppose the BIG ones are... hmm maybe I’ll leave that one alone tonight, I’m in a vulnerable state and that can be very dangerous. I’m also consumed with one of the BIG issues at the moment, and I’m not getting any nearer to the solution. Somehow I have to sort it out or I will die from suicide eventually, fact.  From the information in my past blog, I now realize that my brain is sending these negative, deathly feelings throughout my body. My heart seems to be hurting almost constantly. It is broken. OUCH! Harsh. I need an off switch so I suffer no more. You see when it’s the heart it seems to spread to areas surrounding. Wow! Amazing! The heart is sooo sensitive and delicate, is it really the brains signals? Blows me away. Tonight my body is wound up and wound down at the same time... How can this be? It’s a crazy feeling and the way to handling it is nowhere in my sights. I feel, as yesterday, that I want to run flat out into walls or cut my arms, also running around screaming is up there too. But the wound down, smaller half, feels awful and would like to retire to a dark corner and shiver. No it’s not cold, my body is kind of spazzo. And again the question is still on my back, weighing me down, Do I want the struggle to be over or to struggle for the rest of my life? I have been told that I can get through this. That I can get better... Hmm intrigue.

Twenty

         Ahhhhh! I have started and deleted this blog 3 times and I just can’t get it to flow. My mind is racing a million miles and I can’t decipher any of what it is saying. Is it saying anything or is it just useless noise? I feel anxious and weird like I want to run full pelt into a wall. Or cut my arms as many times as I can and then play in the blood. I feel a bit psycho. Please do not misinterpret, I would not hurt anybody else intentionally, trust me. Ooh trust, a spooky word that has started to die in our world today. Like guilt, I see and hear of a lot people not having much of it. If I mixed with someone like that, we would have the right amount. What a great idea, we can call it ‘mending with maths’ haha okay just kidding. But seriously what is going on. I can’t think about it, it does my head in and that’s already been achieved. Most of my day, within me, was descent. The afternoon bought clouds of darkness to follow me and bring me down. They held deep, dark feelings and thoughts. They made me see things through a type of black screen, negative and glum. How can this happen? One minute I’m coping averagely and then ‘WHAM!’ I shoot down like 2 tons of bricks. Okay so let’s recap – my feelings and thoughts function whether or not I permit. I react to them, i.e. self-harming, as a result I end up back at square 1, feeling like total crap and wanting to kill myself. – Hmm, something is certainly not right here. Maybe my heads just not screwed on properly. But for this vicious cycle to prevail I would need some kind of pattern.  These thoughts and feelings are me, they are me. The end! So what now? I die? I live and do what? What do I do, you tell me? My habitual state is so set in that I have no idea who I am or what I am to do. My mind is circling around these questions. Could it be true what has been told to me? Could these horrible feelings and thoughts towards me actually not be true? Wow! Now that would be something. I wonder what I would think about if all this negativity were to be drained from me. I imagine a pile of bones, woops! Tricky tricky, I am torn. Do I want to fight on and live? Like really live not exist and say bring it on and life’s a gift. Or do I want to die? Let go of life and say I don’t think I can hold on and life’s crap. Because of my mood I thought ‘is there any hot chicky babes on the other side... But back to reality, the above questions are damn serious to my future. Like the common line goes – “To be or not to be, that is thy question.” And it is.

Nineteen

          Today, hmm, what can I say about today? I think it is what the folks would say “okay thanks” and mean it... What is this strangeness in your words? What is this “okay” that you speak of? I have had okay days, but not for a long time. Lately I have had partially okay days. The problem with these ones is that most of the time I was thinking about death obsessively. I was with people I loved and who seem to love me too. I don’t know how to except their apparent love very well. I feel inside that I am hideous and unlovable so why would they? Then you get the head talk “nobody would love you, how could they with you not having anything useful to offer them, you’re ugly and unlikeable, so how? After the borderline positive moments that we’re touching on above, I would be straight back down like on a long slide pranked with razors. This makes me scared to have these okay days because the backlash is such a high price. I’m also scared that I will get kicked out of hospital before I’m ready. Because this is it, I get better or I hang myself, I’m not going through all this crap again, ever! If I have a chance and I do get better, somehow, I want to live not exist. Anyways a bit off topic but we’re all good. So, today I have been very busy most of the day. I like work, so it was no trouble to help out my aunty and uncle with their business. It was good to be doing some work, believe me. I arrived, after a big day, back to the hospital and I seemed to be okay to a degree. After maybe 1/2hr my mood started to drop a little. I don’t know how to cope when this darkness approaches me. I try to remember what little coping skills I do have, but this thing to BIG and wants to control me. It wants me to fall to the ground begging for mercy, just like I used to. In the fetal position I would lay on the floor, crying in emotional pain, whimpering “please, please leave me alone. Stop it.” Well not today, I have somehow managed. I didn’t think about death as much as usual but my self-harming thoughts in the last couple of days have somewhat increased. The problem is that I do not know whether my medications are actually starting to help or whether it is just because I was busy? Either way I guess it was okay-like in a weird way. But it’s also a problem because I need to get better enough that I can sit by myself and not have a breakdown. I guess, as they say; only time will tell. The question is, how much time do I have.

Eighteen

       I still have a tight, knot-like feeling in my stomach. It makes my breaths heavy and my chest churn, looking for relief. I am just trying to take deep breaths, which I’m still not very good at, waiting for it to calm a little. When thinking back, my life, on the surface, was somewhat perfect. I was buying a house, had a good job, was engaged, had great friends, etc. So one might ask, what happened then? I suppose I am too stuffed up in the head to really evaluate the situation properly. Self-destructive comes to mind, lack of self-control and coping with my condition also rate high. But then it goes to, what caused these problems? Because I feel so terrible all the time I feel that I must be an awful person and that’s why this has happened to me. It’s my fault and now I must be punished. It/I ruined all parts of my life; including the ones I loved the most. I am truly sorry to everyone who may have been affected by this/me. If I get through this, and I’m not sure I will, I have a lot of work to do to fix all the mess that lay before me. Okay, on another note, I saw the doctor yesterday afternoon. The doctor and I have been trying just about everything to improve my mental health. I looked deep down inside myself trying to find an apparent answer for lack of response to treatment. With that, plus the consultation with the doctor we worked out a bit of a direction. We discovered that the suicidal ideation is closely linked with the sexual abuse. We did not know this before because I hadn’t had too many flashbacks and wasn’t, in my head, thinking about it too much. Yesterday’s blog was a pretty big step for me. With typing it I realized that I don’t physically “think" about too much because I always try to force it out. But my feeling and emotions are utterly screwed up from this. Talking through this may result in a better state of mind and emotions. We also discovered that I have a severe fear of rejection and can get a bit manic. Plus I tend to dissociate a fair bit.  These discoveries may not seem like anything to you, but for me it is HUGE news. I guess like a type of solution, finally! For months we had tried to aimlessly fight this battle. Now we have some ammunition. Now we have a goal to work on and the psychiatrist knows how to get there. My mood is still unacceptably low so we need to sort out my medication also. But I suppose, if I make it, in time I may find a little word called hope.

Seventeen

      Secrets... We all have them. But to what extreme? Do you think the ‘little white’ ones are ok or are you more black and white towards it saying a lie is a lie? Some people say it’s to spare others feelings. What do you think? Or more to the point of this blog, what do I think? I tend to be black and white with it but of course, I have told lies. Is keeping secrets lying? I’m going to say no because a secret is just that, a secret and sometimes it’s not your secret to tell. As I’ve already pointed out previously, I have secrets. I don’t know what to do about them. I cannot tell them all for it will only bring guilt and suffering to the ones I love. I don’t want anyone blaming themselves for not picking up on it or letting me have contact with the person. I can’t, but I would like to see said person and ask them why and tell them how screwed up I am now as a result of these things. They could possibly just say “care factor 0”. I guess it’s like a closure thing. I have been blaming myself for these things for a lot of years and I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I heard them say to me “it wasn’t your fault, it was mine”, “I was in the wrong not you” or something, anything. I suppose in my head I think that I might be able to let go of it to a degree and heal a bit. I strongly doubt it, with the severity of my feelings and belief system that this would be at all what it’s been built up to be in my head. One of the nurses told me to write a letter to them. Here is a little bit of it –

 My insides are restless and my outsides are sick. My heart is sore, my body and mind are tired. For I have fought, fought alone, this everlasting battle. I wake up every day feeling these things. I am having all types of pills and therapy just to keep me alive another day, but I feel that I will fail because I ache as though irreparable. I blame myself for everything, even stuff I have no control over! Crazy hey! I know and believe me it’s not a walk in the park. You need to know that I’ve been hurting all these years and you need to pay attention.

This is just a part of it but you get the idea. I am really struggling and have been for many, many years. I have scars over my body and nightmares when I’m sleeping. But the hardest thing seems to be to love and be loved...you have no idea how messed up this is inside my heart and crazy mind. Also, how severely this impacts on all my relationships with anyone. To be given any type of affection is so difficult, I suppose because these events and insecurities are with me... haunting me. I have gotten much better now because I make myself cuddle and tell people I love them. A close friend and I nearly died, but that’s for another day, but since then I have wanted everybody to know exactly what they mean to me. Life’s too short and you never get a second chance when you’re dead. So for the past few years I have gotten better and better at expressing my love and affection. Those who know me will remember how much I would try to dodge the affectionate moments. Now you can see me hosting them. But what everyone doesn’t realize is that deep inside me there’s a warning light flashing and making me uncomfortable and scared. I trust these people and its ridiculous not to, but it is a fact that this is how I feel and it’s awfully hard and very real. Now I don’t want anybody to freak because I’ve shared this because I really love those who are close to my heart and it’s nothing to do with you. It’s the aftermath of these terrible situations and how much they impact on my life. Wow it’s good to get that out there! I feel a breakthrough coming with this because I knew it affected me, of course, I just didn’t realize how much.

Sixteen,

I feel scared to laugh for the fear of the fall afterwards. Even if I do laugh it’s half-hearted because I feel that the liveliness has been drained out of me. So what is life without happiness? Hard? Painful? Not worth it? But it’s me who feels unworthy. So how can I turn this around? What can I do to turn my life around? I’m not sure I can, I’m tired from all the previous struggling. I seem to have gotten nowhere. So, what, I’m just supposed to let my life end... That’s exactly what I mean. I should be thinking “what are a few more months compared to all those years?” I can try and try to make myself think this, but my brain resists it. The suicidal thoughts are too strong and persistent, over and over, “GIVE ME A BREAK!” Plus all the planning and obsession that comes with it. You know I was sitting with my dad; we were looking at some birds. I kind all of got lost in my thoughts. He asked me “what are you thinking about?” “I said “you don’t want to know trust me.” I was in deep thought about killing myself with a big knife. Stabbing myself in the heart or cutting open my throat at least half the way through, wondering which way would be more painful, sufficient and/or quicker. I suppose you only die once so whether or not pain is an issue to you. It’s different for everyone. Me personally would like to go the quickest way because then nobody has a chance to find me before it’s completed, as I’ve mentioned previously. Hmm, could I perhaps change my mind? Or wake up one morning and all this pressure and negativity gone? I found out the other night, from a very dear friend of mine, that our feelings are the result of messages and signals from the brain. Wow! I really did not know that. I thought feelings were separate because they’re so powerful. So what are my thoughts towards my condition now? They’re still extremely real for me! So I can seriously ponder over this fact to find the ‘truth’. But at this stage, the ‘truth’ for me is that these emotions are tearing me apart. I can’t seem to escape! Possibly this fact may confuse me even further. But it’s worth the time if in fact some truth and knowledge may come from it. After all this is supposed to be a journey of truth, in saying that I am hoping that finding/sharing the truth will then set me free. If only I could share the truth about everything.   

Fifteen

Early,
     So I woke this morning at 4 am. The repetative thoughts going around in my head, such as, "Why am I here?" (in the world) "What is the point of all this struggling and pain?" "I should be dead... I'm supposed to be dead." "I'm never going to get through this." "I'm not strong enough." "I'm not worth all the worry and hassle." "The only way is to die." It's not exactly good morning is it?" All these thoughts and feelings are spinning and racing though my head and back around for round two, three, four, five etc. Also, oh yes, we can't forget that wonderfully powerful feeling that comes in a package deal with all this. Always there making me feel great! (sarcasm) Yes, that's right - guilt. Now this is a constant with me. A couple of the ways it works. Ok, I have all these lovely, supportive people in my life when I want to end mine. I feel guily when I might say the wrong thing and I'm not talking a little bit of guilt, I'm saying a huge amount of guilt even when the other person has said they've let go because it was minor while I'm there with thoughts such as "I'm useless, worthless, stupid ect." Guilty when I make a minor mistake. I can sit here now and say, like I would to a friend, nobodies perfect, everybody makes mistakes. Well apparently I'm not allowed to according to my brain and innards. I mean the amount of guilt is absolutely ridiculous. I can say this now whilst here, but you can guarantee the next time it happens I will be freaked out because I made the mistake, scared of getting into trouble and worried that people won't like me anymore, blah blah blah. I want to scream at myself "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Moving on, just being awake here, now, breathing as I type, I can feel the knife that's punctured through my heart, twisting. It's not moving fast enough that it will just kill me, no, just slow enough that I can feel the blade scraping around and around and the hole in my heart is becoming bigger. I stick to my routine in the morning, get up, make bed, shower and do hair, oh yeah, and a wee. I also had a very freaky experience. I accidentally caught my eye in the mirror. I looked away almost instantly with a gasp for breath. But, although it scared me, I wanted to look again. With that, I slowly turned to face toward the mirror and looked into my eyes again... it was very eerie. I couldn't hold my eye for very long at all. But the time I did manage, I was scared. I looked deep into my pupils and it felt like I was looking into my black, damaged  soul, like if I made a sound they would swallow me whole. Now I start to think, if I can't look into my own eyes, what are other people seeing? I never expect them to talk to me half the time let alone look into my horrible eyes. Spooky.

Fourteen

thinking...
     I've been thinking alot lately, which I suppose is no surprise because I can't control my thoughts or feelings. I guess my mind is obsessed with particular things. Past mistakes and losses, the presents craziness and insecurity, the future's potential problems and struggles, all these, with many other things. Such as self-harm, self destruction, the important ones in my life, just to name a few and of course the most dangerous one, death. I feel weighed down with all these things and many more. Because I'm a bit morbid , especially at the moment, I am drawing like this woman who looks depressed. Her skin is starting to rip off because she has weights hanging off her and she's crying a lot of blood. I can relate to this picture because I can feel the weights pulling off my skin. Bit by bit it tears slowly down ripping more and more strips off me. I'm paralysed. My skin is bloody, open and raw. I can feel the pain of each bit, at times the breeze lightly blows across my extremely sensitive flesh. I try to scream but no noise comes out of my mouth. I'm trapped and everybody just stares... no one will help me. More people come and they start pointing and laughing, whispering about me. I'm pleading silently, but nobody comes to my aid. Can you imagine, I mean truly imagine, your flesh getting slowly ripped off you? Imagine how much pain that would be. Wouldn't you be begging for death? I know I am. Mine is my inner skin being torn from within and the pain, at times, is excruciating! Wouldn't you just want to die, want it all to stop? Well people, welcome to my world.

Thirteen

next day,
      Well, it's starts again. The emptiness within that cannot seem to be filled. Staring into space... perhaps looking for the answers I need, the answers that could set me free. Ha, I'm quickly learning that this does not seem to be a possiblity for me. A suggested idea was that if I found a new girlfriend, that might help. I don't know how anyone could love me. I feel that I am trash and should be dumped with the rest of the junk at the tip. I have this saying off the net which is great. I hope you don't mind if I share it with you;
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strenght to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down  your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friends pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show them,
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
I'm not sure who the author is but it has a real point don't you think?
As this new day approaches, I feel scared and uneasy. For I do not know what the day will bring for me. With how I've been feeling, anyday could be my last. I believe that this will bring me peace and harmony. But it must be done right, to the tee. My loved ones I will miss dearly. Although once you're dead, you probably feel nothing. Oh just the thought! When I was younger, I had someone who was very mean to me and nobody did squat about it. I felt so upset and worthless, although it took me a few years or so to realise just how much this had affected me. I wake up everyday believing that what they said is true. So with the feelings of unloved mixed with worthless, it makes sense that it is true. I don't know any better even though I have tried and tried. It's my way of thinking now. So waking up, fight another day and going to bed with the same thought pattern, a very tricky nut to crack. It seems that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll alway be fat. No matter how cool my haircut is, I'll always be ugly. No matter how fast I run... it/they will always catch me.




    

Twelve

It's just plain annoying!
    It's like I've said before, if you're not bawling your eyes out then people presume that you are fine. This is soooo wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG!! So far from the truth because it is deep down within that holds this tormented soul. Sometimes you just move past tears beacause you've cried for so long and the pain becomes your everyday struggle. Inside, all over you, is fighting just to do everyday tasks. People take this privilege, yes privilege, for granted. They have no idea at all how much effort it takes just to do the simple things, how draining and overwhelming it is. They can't see it so it musn't be there. "You seem happier today" - rubbish! "You look better today" - bullcrap! " "You laughed earlier so it was gone for a while, remember the good times" - shut up! This is not true, to me anyway. It's always there, I always feel it, dragging me down and making me feel like I'm worth nothing at all. So what, I might smile at times and laugh even, but that doesn't mean it's actually gone for a while. It's still there. Deep down painful, and at times, torturous feelings are eating away at my insides. Slowly and painfully devouring me. But as people "can't see it," It musn't be there - whatever! I know I'm sounding a little harsh here people but you got to understand that after hearing these lines so often it becomes tiring and I'm worn out enough from the inner turmoil. I don't need people's "supposed to be helpful" words of apparent wisdom. I just would like everyone to accept that this is not just some story or so called words. This is very real and extremely likely to be the end of me. So please, stop saying thing when you have no idea.I feel it just about all the time and when I say that I mean it. Bad dreams at night, negative head talk and suicidal or self-harming thoughts. How? When? "Do it, you deserve it" "Cut yourself, give me pain and blood, lots of blood." To name a few. I am convinced by it that I deserve to be dead. But as it stands now, I want to be dead. There's only so much a person can take and I think I've about reached my limit.

Eleven

It's head high and seeping through my every pore, it's poison. Poison known as depression. It's forever flowing, never seeming to end. My feelings within a severly low and my thoughts are dark, planning my way out. Planning my escape from this world we live in. I sit on the floor in the corner of my room, hands on head, trying to stop the noise inside of me. I truely believe that me dying is enevitable. Sometimes things are just meant to be, I'm just stuck in this whirlwind of negativity that's slowly, and painfully dragging my life out. Therefore, if I don't murder me, someone or something will. Please try not to think of this in a negative light, as the world will keep spinning afterall. Here we are again at death. I should be dead, I'm meant to be dead. Like I've said, "I wasn't made for this place!" So do it fool!... Maybe in time, hopefully not too far from now, I will. It's time though, to get these plans more set up and accurate. But, as there always is, I am afraid, scared, of failing. Perhaps being found before it is done. That's why night is more preferable. How would I face all the people I'd let down? Also, I've heard stories about people who tried to complete suicide and failed. They are now disabled in some way. Imagine that...I would absolutely hate, hate, hate to do that to my friends or family! It's not fair on them at all, they didn't ask for a looney for a friend or family member. No, if it's to be done, it's got to be done right. I'm thinking again that the bathroom would be a good option. But in first place I have outside, that way I can't be found for a while. See I've researched how it works and worst case scenario, roughly, is supposed to be about 20 minutes. Don't be taken back by this. I am writing this because it's very much my reality and I am writing this to say it like it is. It is also to share my past, present, and future experiences. So, as it goes, "If you don't like it then don't read it" pretty simple. All this time I've been painfully screaming and crying inside but putting on the face everyone wants to see. When it gets too much just saying "I need to go to the toilet." In there I shed some tears and very carefully take those deep breaths and away we go again. Even now I still do the fake smile, it's just a habit and afterall, do people really,even want to know? My guess is no. It's just an Aussie thing I think. "How ya goin mate?" "Good thanks cobber!" Yep and I still to this day have slipped at times. I have gotten a bit better. See I say "Ok thanks" which is reasonably true...ish. Well I'm still here and people seem to think that's a good thing. Beyond me how though. I am trying really hard to stop hiding the real me so we can deal with the issues. It's very hard when you've tried to block it out so much. As for now I am slowly getting it out there. Guess I'll find out pretty soon who my real friends are. Also I've got to watch out because this tends to lead me to talk a bit morbidly. So I guess, in this instance, sometimes you just have to choose your battles. Right so moving on. How is your pain theshold? Mine, myself, I confess has weakend a bit. This strangely happened to me when I fell in love with my ex fiance. They somehow opened up a vulerable side in me. A side that has been long locked away so no one could ever hurt me again... It didn't work because I have still been hurt many a time, I think my heart gets in the way. Back to the subject, Their love and support and just who they are, made me feel safe enough to let down my guard. How different and wonderful. For a while it was like I had a second opinion to help me make decisions and also to help me carry the load. Sometimes I think I had the perfect relationship and screwed it up, like I screw everything else - self distructive. Anyway, got to build my wall back up. But is it healthy to be so shut off with people? I'm going to go with no. Shutting people out can cause you to miss out on getting close with others and be able to show the real you. It builds a stronger and more honest relationship in which you and the relationship can grow. Also letting down your guard, though extremely difficult, is a honest, very courageous, and strengthening approach to situations. I know letting people in is terrifying because you can only control 50% of the relationship. The other person has the same, 50%, which makes the odds of them not accepting you half and half. Remember, if they don't accept you, it's not your fault. Not everyone is supposed to click with everyone. Try to remember the saying, "What people think of me is none of my business.

Ten

...
   The impact of words and actions can be very powerful indeed. We as people have the ability to forgive... or do we? Do we ever really forget? I suppose it depends on the severity of the situation. Perhaps it was extremely uncalled for and is because the said person was frustrated, or perhaps it even triggered something off within us. Our reactions to such things are very crucial in our, and the other peoples, future. Forgiving... is that the correct word if we don't let go of what's happened? Is it really forgiving them? I thought when someone says "You're forgiven" means"ok, lets move on and never bring it up again." Even, and especially in the heat of the moment. Have you thought about your outlook on this situation? Well maybe it's about time you did. This very small change could change you relationships for the better, if it's mutual. When I look around I always see a lot of busy people, rush, rush, rush. Really, has it always been like this? My guess would be no. But how would I know? I think we all need to take it down a couple of notches. Pay attention to what we are doing, who is with us and just admire the small things. I know, that's rich coming from me. As they "Practice what you preach". I wish I could. Why is it that we can give nice helpful advice to others, but don't seem to take it onboard ourselves? We seem to be very hard on ourselves. I suppose for me, I feel so worthless that I need to try and be perfect and do everything right so I am good enough for the ones nearest to my heart. I can't make mistakes, which is impossible, but I feel aweful when I do, like really, really gutted. I try so hard because I want to be good enough for them to love me back. There are things, situations, that have gone on throughout my time in the world that has proven to me that I am worthless, truthfully. I don't know any different. I'm programmed this way. I don't feel any different. Also in many situations I feel like I'm that helpless, useless little girl again, yearning for affection. There are areas within me that have conflict over the truth about me and truth about the world. For instance, one part of me may be saying "You don't deserve to be here. You're only a nuisance. You are nothing and you never will be. You crazy 'da didi da da blah!" And there's a tinsy winsy teenie tiny little part of me somewhere in there that feels very strange... Foreign, uncharted territory. I suppose it could be uncharted because I'm scared. Scared of my hopes and dreams being crushed yet again. Very wary of ever trying to get there and explore this long lost feeling. I guess because of all the pain and suffering I've been put through already. I've been let down nearly every time before. With this... I'm saying that I have felt so low at these times and had such hateful feelings towards myself. I remember when I was about 12 I was in my room bawling and writing " I HATE MYSELF!" on sheets of paper and ripping and scrunching them up in frustration towards myself. Some of the stuff racing through my head was "Your a stupid idiot!," " I hate myself!" "Nobody loves me!" "I'm not worth nothing ever!" Then my problem solving thinking cap would eventually flick on and yes, " I wish I was dead!" Lack of coping has always been a problem with me, I just can't handle anything. So death, yes death, is the magical answer to all my problems. Wow! It's really quiet amazing that one can make sense of this life we have. I'm actually terrified! Should I have a little faith or am I just going to be let down once again? They say, " No we won't leave you or bail on you, then WHAM!! They're gone in a flash. And so I'm back to square 1, alone and challenged. You know what the stupid thing is? I actually had believed in these people, I fell for it, everytime! I guess that's my own fault then hey, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Even just looking at, thinking about, or being around certain people makes my heart feel as though it's been ripped out of my chest. Then doubled into a soccer ball. I feel it being kicked around, blood splashing around in a trail where it's been, leaving the ground stained with blood. I feel it as if it were literal. But the wierd thing is that I don't want to go and grab it and cradle it back into good health. No, I want to pick it up and throw it far, far away where me and no one else will ever find it! That would be wonderful, for the pain is often unbearable. So if I have it ripped out and turfed away I would not have to deal with the constant heart ache. Now the thought of manually cutting it out has come to mind... To me, everything is a possibility.

Nine

Made it through another day,
      Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know yet. I need to try even harder, somehow! My life is slipping away from me, therefore I need to hold on. Well that's what everyone seems to say to me "hold on, you can do it", hmm if only I had the drive, the courage to stand up and say loudly, "THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM IN CONTROL!" If only that were true for me. I try, I really do, to take control of my feeling and thoughts. I fail each time. The demon within is too powerful! Is perhaps that demon that I speak of - me. Is it a good vs. evil theme? Angel vs. Devil? How do I find this out? How can I cope if it is 2 sides of myself causing this inner conflict? Does that mean I am evil? Which part of the noise in my head is really me? I'm not even sure there is a me anymore. I feel like I lost her a long time ago and my body is going on autopilot. I walk, I talk, I get out of bed in the morning and back in at night. This is what "people" do, so it is what I must do. I can look like everyone else with a fake smile and a "how you going?" When deep, deep down inside I am crying my eyes out in pain. Pleading from my heart and soul for the answer, for it all to just stop. What is inner peace? What does normal mean? Is there such a thing? Everybody is different and that's what makes life interesting. To hear different peoples point of view is amazing. They may see something you never did, like different perspectives or vice versa. I take a deep heavy breath and try to release some of the weight. It seems to stick inside like velcro and super glue. My rushing thoughts continue, the repetitive words, "Die, die, your worthless and no good for anything, you never have been and you never will be. You are the pain, you are the problem. You will never get through this. Do what needs to be done, do it! Do it now!!" I actually was bawling my eyes out just before I got on here. I saw my doctor and we went in to a few things. A few dark, painful, pushed to the back of my mind, difficult things. We talked a bit about my feelings towards myself e.g. worthless, hopeless, incurable... Gosh, the word and the feelings I get in the presence of the word 'worthless'. It cuts through me like a chainsaw through a wattle tree. I feel paralysed, incapable of thought or function. This word is one of my hardest challenges within my brain. I believe this to be very true and as a result find it very hard to have anything or anyone, because I deserve nothing! I don't understand how I have such wonderful people i my, yes my, life. I do not want them to waste their precious time on someone as useless as me. I am losing the drive, that's more often than not, within me. I struggle to even get up, have a shower, brush my teeth, make the bed - whatever. Now come on, how pathetic is that! Just do it I say in my mind and of course I do it. But probably only because I like things tidy, to the OCD extent with some things. I feel that all this inner turmoil and difficulties is my fault. Otherwise why would I be the one in hospital suffering away day by day, if it wasn't my fault, hey. Makes perfect sense to me, one word for you "karma". And I think that's why this is happening to me. I am a bad, worthless person who doesn't deserve to be here at all. Guess I'll head of to bed soon and if I can safely get to sleep, see what tomorrow brings.

Eight

   Wow,
      Yesterday was a extremely rough ride. So close to the end, again. Yet I'm still here. It's seems to me that the people I have mutual care for are what is making me hold on. They care and rely on me more than I know so now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I never want to hurt anyone let alone these wonderful people. Without sounding selfish, I think what about me and my suffering everyday and night. They don't get how this feels, the pain, the struggle, the constant inner turmoil. So how do I approach this serious dilemma? For instance, I woke up this morning by my mobile ringtone. It was my best friend and she was crying. She said " I didn't hear from you last night or this morning and that she was just glad to hear my voice." I felt like a real moron for upsetting her like that. I never want to upset anyone let alone those who are close to me. I apologized but inside I was feeling terrible. After we got off the phone, I looked at the screen of my phone and there was '18' missed calls! And I had just slept right through them without the blink of an eye. I felt/feel absolutely awful! Like the worst friend in the whole world. Imagine that, thinking that your best friend was dead. Also, last night, Mum was really worried when I didn't txt back straight away. I don't deserve this amount of worry and thought. Which then brings me back to my dilemma, if I kill myself they will never have to have these worries and sadness about me anymore. They are so supportive and helpful to me, I love them and I never want to worry or let them down ever again! But deep down I feel there is a lack of hope for me. Too far gone, too hard basket. People constantly say "you'll be better," "you'll be right just hang in there," "everyone has a hard time at some stage." Ha, what do you call a deer with no eyes - no idea - and that's exactly what everyone seems to lack. Perhaps it's my own fault in not expressing what's going on inside of me. I mean I can barely comprehend it my self. I just know it's very real, it's there and it's killing me. So does that mean, I'm killing me? Have I been down the path to suicide for a long, long time now? It's very possibly true. So what would you do if some awful traumatic experiences happened to a little kid who knew nothing of these things? Who shouldn't have learnt about these things so soon. This inner evil demon that haunts me, makes it hard to function, during my relationships. How is it that making love with somebody you love, can be spoilt by you ending up in tears. How does this, supposed to be, caring and special moment be pulled out from underneath me. I am left spoiling this by becoming a bundled up crying mess, so deeply confused. Why is this spoiled, not only for me but for the other person? Not fair right? Damn straight! In these situation I feel dirty, ashamed, like I'm that helpless little child again. Praying for it to stop! Begging for it to be over! So not only did it mess my head up severely, but it continues to haunt me day by day. I apologize to my ex partner who stayed with me through my extremely crazy moods and ideas, and thoughts. I'm just a mess upstairs really. Also I feel responsible for it all, things that are racing through my head are 'maybe I didn't try hard enough to get away' 'maybe I could of screamed really loud' or something, ANYTHING! Ok well I think I'll leave this painful experience to open more up about in due time. Guess today and tomorrow  are my focus has to be living through it. The only hiccup is that the only person I seem to need protection from is me.

Seven

I can't do this, I just can't! Everything is too heavy, too hard. I can't cope. I feel too overwhelmed by everything, big or small. On top of all this rubbish that I think and feel, life itself is too difficult. I wonder how people do it? I'm just not equipped for this world. I can feel myself inside the pain and hurt. I feel giving up inclosing on me like a big, black, heavy cloud that I see no way out of... I want to be dead. I want it to all be over with. I want it to stop DAMN IT! I can't function, I just can't. I feel weak and childlike under the pressures of all this. Where do I go? What do I do? How can I possibly handle it all? I am only one excuse for a person, my shoulders are not wide enough or strong enough to carry the load. I feel like 'that's it! I'm done!'. So what do I do then? Options - Get this over and done with once and for all, or tell the nurses? I'm too confused. My brain is racing like 100 miles a minute! I just don't know the answer. I need help... well I guess that much is obvious. I'm just don't think I'm worth the effort. Am I already to far gone? I mean I'm already 24, wow I feel old, and I've wasted over half my life on all this! I'm being slowly killed from the inside out and it's like ENOUGH is ENOUGH already! You know what I mean. I'm trying to take deep stomach breaths and trying to decifer the racing thoughts. It just doen't seem to be working. I want to put my arms in the air and scream at the top of my lungs "STOP IT, GET OUT OF ME!!!" But deep down I know that this will not work... nothing seems to work. I'm a wrecked unit. Come on, make a decision. You know you already have. So whats the plan then? My plan is to hang myself in the bathroom or on the temporary fence panels outside at night preferably. Backup plan is to somehow suffocate my self with say a plastic bag or stab myself with something. Plan A seems like a more done deal. I could do it, I think about it over and over. My only worry is the people that could be potentially hurt. I think about these people dearly, but deep down inside, I feel that these people would be better off without me in their lives. AAAHHHH! I'm such a screwup. You know I very often think about death and self-harm, I know your supprised right, but death wins hands down. I wonder that maybe, just maybe I could get my hands on something sharp so I could cut myself slowly. I could watch all the lucious blood dripping then pouring out of me. I ruminate over the options. But it seem that I have sort of grown out of self harming a little bit, but don't get me wrong if I had the option I would be damn well doing it. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that self-harming to me has become sort of like toying with painful, less deathlike ideas. I've always liked to see myself bleed and I guess after a while it becomes like a strange sort of addiction. Like the answer to everything is 'I can't cope, quick get the knife, saw, bit of steele'. As you cut into the skin you can nearly hear and feel a type of ripping as it cuts through slowly, layer by layer. The pain was there, how much will you endure this time? I feel I am no good and deserve every bit of it! The usual process is that I seemed to get extremely down. Crying and/or pacing around, or huddled in a dark corner of the floor. This gos on for a while and then something really strange happens. I go into a numb-like state...that's when, in my mind and in my heart, suicide seems like the only option. Except lately, I haven't seemed to be able to cry because I feel my medication has not allowed me to and the tough exterior of my inner defences trying to shut everything in. So, I don't have to deal with the hurt and suffering. But we all know that the problems only grow and become bigger and more complicated. You get the 'problem' and then that 'problem' starts to slowly effect other parts of your life until it has poisened almost every part of your tree of life. The trouble these days is that I seem to dodge the middle man and go straight onward. Therefore my brain kicks straight into 'death mode' with my confused, overwhelming feeling in which case "danger, danger will robinson!" Each time it feels uncontrollable and uncontainable. It's like I'm in a fight with myself. There's more than to sides to a dice so which part is the 'real me?' I don't know and I haven't for a long, long time. But what I do know is that I don't want to do this anymore. As all this spins round and round, I feel the day I will die is getting nearer and nearer. But I suppose that in this moment I will ask the nurses if they can help me in someway... I just can't see how. The repetative voice in my mind says, "what's the point?". Along with my heart pounding like it were on a texas cactus, aching and begging for it to all stop. 

Six

hmmm...
Hard, that's what it is. Damn hard! This struggle within, tormenting me, pushing me to my furthest possible limit. Is there a way back? I got here right so you'd get the impression that there was perhaps a way back. Hmm, no I don't see it. I'm in the complete dark searching for a direction, a path, forward... back... it doesn't matter. At the moment I seem to be bogged in an area of quicksand. Slowly I sink down, deeper and deeper. " if you struggle you will die quicker" they say, but the emotional whirlwind is too much. I can't handle it, I need to get out, dead or alive! Painfully slow, the negativity is wearing me down. Beating me black and blue. It's winning... it's winning the fight to positivty... it's winning the fight for my life. Cry! I need to cry but the tears won't come. My capability of expression is somewhat blocked. My tear ducts are struggling while my insides scream out, begging for an outlet, begging to be released. I feel as though I just can't take it anymore! I am worn thin and my energy to fight is slowly becoming non-existant. "I've got to try harder", "I must hold on", These are , supposedly, words of inspiration... or are they words of a mere fantasy? Inspiration, hmm, now that's a foreign word to me. I don't feel like I have any inspiring thoughts or feelings. They have disappeared from sight, they are beyond my reach. Throw me a rope, or just let me drown! I think at this stage we all know what the answer to that is.

Five

So we meet again...
      Im finding it hard to breathe. The inner turmoil is growing thicker by the second. I can't shift it. Painful memories fill my brain, one after the other. All these thoughts are spinning around and around in my head trying to possess me. I can't focus, I can't think! It's too fast, I can't make any sense of it all. I feel like I've fallen way, way down into a deep dark, musky well. So deep that I cannot see the so called "light". Everyone always says, "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, you'll get there". It's easy to say isn't it. So where is this "light"? Why can I not see it? This "light" seems like a figment of ones imagination, not mine that's for sure. I'm trapped in thick darkness. It's like there's an invisible force field surrounding me. I try to walk forward but I can't. The shield is to strong as though it is three brick walls built one after the other. I can't climb over, for I look up into the darkness as best I can. The walls seem to go for miles! It seems this way for I cannot see the top. It just fades into the darkness.
     What do I want? What do I expect? Is it perhaps a miracle cure? Do I expect to go to a church, be hit on the forehead as they say "Be gone!" Get up off the floor and yes it's gone!... Unlikely. The floor hey... ah yes, that is where I feel I deserve to be sitting. Not chairs, not beds, just on the dark dirty floor, maybe in a corner away from everybody else. That way they don't need to look at this hideous, discusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. Yes, that's me. I'm ashamed of the way I look. I ashamed of the way I feel. Why? Because I'm too ugly to look at and too messed up to bother with. How could anyone ever possibly love me! Is that what today is saying - "Just go now and slowly fade away, into the background, until, eventually... I am no more." I deserve nothing,ever! So what is the point? If I am so horrible, discusting, pathetic and non-deserving, why am I still on this earth?... Why am I indeed? This is a question that keeps spinning around in my head. Just go and do it then you moron! Yes, it does feel right. It feels meant to be, as though my destiny. Maybe very soon a good opportunity will reveal itself to me. Maybe I will make an opportunity. As the saying goes 'if it's meant to be it's up to me'. I guess that could be my answer right there. But, as there always seems to be one, on the other side of the coin there are the people who say they care for me. What to do. What to do. The guilt of letting these people down eats away at me like I'v drunk acid and it's slowly eating away through my whole body from the inside out. I wait and wait for it to consume me. But it seems to just be toying with me. Doing it the slowest most painful way possible. Nope, it's not going to let me die fast and peacefully. The mutual care I have with these people, weighs down on me heavier and heavier by the day. I cannot handle these very strong emotions that carry within. BE GONE! Oh perhaps it's just me that needs to be gone.

Four

Wow!
     I just went to my doctors appointment and wow i feel like absolute crap! We, I suppose, started to do a bit of delving into some pretty rough stuff. The issues that we're starting to chip away at are extremely overwhelming. The painful memories flood through me, consuming me. I try to control them but I just can't. They rush through me. It hurts so much! First, it fills up my stomach and chest area. Pounding away at me, they make it difficult to breathe. Soon after, while I'm struggling with that, along come the evil thoughts. They drip with a thick, dark, oily texture. The thoughts all come together and equal the same thing, death. Death... it's an escape... a safe place. A place where all the feelings n thoughts stop and it's just... peaceful. A place where I don't have to face these fierce demons within. Since I can remember, these demons have been with me. They follow me everywhere I go and fill my brain with all sorts of ideas. These ideas are weighty and as black as a moonless night. I feel closed off from the world, like I'm on an alternate plain or something. People are looking at me, talking to me even, but they can't see me. They look through me believing what they want to believe and neglecting the reality of the situation, neglecting the reality of me. I struggle with this too, I feel as though I can't see whats directly in front of me. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle cure or something. The magic ingredient that turns my whole life around. It will ground me and all will be right side up and dare I even say the word... happy. Wow, what does that mean? It's foreign to me. I look around and I see death options closing in around me, do it do it do it! A deep seated continuous pain washes over me again and again. I want to drop to the floor, hands over my heart, and scream out in AGONY! When does it ever stop? When will I be able to stop it? Do I have the power to take back what's left of my life? Do I want to? I feel as though enough is enough. The rocky path up to now has tormented me enough. I'm worn out and have grown very tired of battling on day by day and at times minute by minute. Have you noticed when you're having a really bad day, a minute can feel like an hour? You are on the floor in a dark corner telling yourself to just hold on, tomorrow is a new day. Ha! Yer right, you don't just wake up in the morning, a new person feeling a million bucks. I go to bed feeling like worthless crap, chances are nine times out of ten, I wake up feeling..well bummed for a start for waking in the first place.. but feel like worthless crap. So I wonder, how long does suicide need to be banging on your door before you let it in.

Three

hey,
If you are still reading these then thankyou x
I feel so alone. I'm surrounded by people, all sorts, some really great caring, loving people. Yet deep inside me I feel very alone. How can this be? What's wrong with me that I cannot function like the rest of us? Why are these feelings inside so strong all the time? I have such strong inner emotions. I mean I can meet someone for like five minutes and then would marry them. It's crazy!! Which I suppose is ironic seen as I'm in a mental hospital. Three months, that's about how long I've been in here. Three whole months of working hard trying to fix me as such. My doctor is working hard to try and help me, he really is and I'm so appreciative of that. A man who doesn't give up - thank you. I'm still stumped though, how am I still here? Could it be that everyone does have a purpose and mine is yet to be fulfilled. Do I even believe that? I don't really believe anything anymore. Hope is just mere soft whisper to me. All my feelings are enormous and overwhelming, the bad ones, obviously, but even the good ones I can't handle or contain. Love just hurts, I can't ease my feeling, they are so strong, too strong! Suffering inside myself, my pain absorbs me. Everything hurts me all the time. These emotions, good and bad, drown me from within. HELP! But do I even want to be saved? Again we come back to, I was not made for this world. I feel that through all my body while my brain is obsessed with the thought. Suicide seems like my destiny. So when will this be accomplished? You may ask. I don't even know, I just know it's the only thought that doesn't bring me pain. When I think about suicide I feel some peace within, once and for all. Freedom of my soul. Wow! wouldn't that be something. I found out something very strange yesterday. I found out that I have a bit of fear towards getting better. Seriously, fear, can you imagine that! Amazing. I did not know that untill yesterday. So underneath all this messed up interior is a scared little girl. Scared of the unknown perhaps. Scared of failing in future perhaps. Scared of changing my life when it has been so painful and rough for so long. Scared of all of the above even. What do everyday people think or feel? What is running through their minds? How does their heart feel? Is it peaceful? Is it quiet inside? So quiet that they can pehaps decipher a single thought, or even know how they are feeling deep inside? At this stage inside me I can only feel dark, heavy, messed up ball of confusion, seeping into my veins and travelling to every corner of my whole body. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to feel better. It is just a very foreign concept to me. I mean, I'v been like this for over half my life. I don't know anything else. I can't imagine anything else. Again comes the thought 'I wasn't made for this place'. This I do truely believe, I guess this is also how killing myself does not make me sad anymore. It is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I'm not built to function here, so I must be gone... forever.

Two

Hello again,
So another day we have. I feel so guilty, I mean there's many people who don't get the luxury of a choice. They want to live, they wish they could have their time back or sickness cured. Then there's me - ungrateful for I have the gift of life and this is the thanks I give! Nice hey. I am so sorry for people in said situation that I can not trade with them...let them live, give that precious time back to them. I have had a very bad, very hard time of late, yer I know you're so suprised cos gosh I seems like I'm so optimistic! YAY! ( sarcasm ). I have written down my feeling for the past few days and would like to put it out there, get it off my chest so to speak. Alright so first one, here goes, (and I apologise for any repeated themes) -

My heart is sore as though it has been physically puncture. I can't get negativity or pain away from me. I'm stuck... trapped. I don't know who I am or what I am, I'm a stranger. The hurt and deception crawls under my skin all over. I actually feel physically hurt. The battle I face everyday is slowly killing me from the inside out. HELP! I scream from deep inside but no one answers because they can not understand the pain I feel always. They cannot see it so how can they possibly understand. It's dark and it's heavy, pushing me down, down, down! I try to get up but am pushed back down, possibly even further down then before. I can't win; I can't get the upper hand. I'm a failure. I should be able to control what's within me. I should be in charge! How much longer can I last living like this? A prisoner in my own pain, a prisoner within my own self. Fight! Fight! Fight!  Then fight some more, harder. Is living meant to be this hard? Surely not... so why am I doin this? Is it for the people who rely on me? Is it because it's just what's expected of me? I should be doin this for me, but I'm not. Yet here I am battling another day. Why? I should be dead. I'm supposed to be dead. I'm ready to be dead.

So that was the one I wrote first just the other night. I guess I'm trying to get across to others just what this is like. This is another that I'd like to share if you would just be patient with me -

I can't get the noise out of my head. It's loud and powerful, 'kill yourself, it's the only way', 'it's the only way just do it!'. I believe this is true, I mean I've thought it for so long so why not? This belief alone could ruin me... kill me. I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. I must die, it's the only way.I can't keep fighting this never-ending battle. I'm tired, I'm worn out, I'm sick of it! I know exactly how I'd do it. I think about it most of the time, suicide ideation. It floods my brain like a tsunami. My insides are torn. What is the right thing to do? I don't even know, I dont know anything anymore. I just know that I want this finished once and for all, no matter what it takes. I want these feelings and thoughts out of me! The feelings alone are too much to handle. They sit heavy on my insides filling me fast, flooding my insides. Just drown me and get it over with! Well that's the thing, I mean I had the option right there, few years back, on a platter for me and I fought. I fought damn hard to be alive. So close to the end...So why did I fight so hard just to end up here? Why didn't I just let go and let death consume me? What's wrong with me that I had a rare opportunity like that and didn't just let go? Now here I am ,3 years on from the neardeath, wanting to end my own life when I had the chance and I screwed it up! I wonder, everyday, why I fought so hard? I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment. That's what life seems to be for me, a punishment. I wake in the morning feeling like crap; I go to bed at night feeling like crap, while deep down inside of me the heavy feelings fester. No rest for the wicked right, so what does that make me? I dread to think. Be gone evil one.

Ok so thats been my feelings for alot of the time. I was having a really a really hard night the other night, like really rough. Suicide is a big load on me. I'v tried several times, here in hopsital, to kill myself. So close to success at times, gosh so close, yet im here so not close enough. The other night when I was really struggling, I decided to try a different approach and take myself out to the nurses station. Extremely anxious and agitated I went out there, the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness weighed down on my insides, WOO! and did they ever! Ok so I went out there because I could seem to settle for bed and one of the nurses gave me two pieces of paper. She said to me "write down exactly whats goin through your mind, don't worry about making sense or anything just do it. Put it on the paper." Well I decided why not, I mean you got to give everything a go right, even if there could possibly be one tiny string of possible hope. So I got a pen and away I went. Not censoring the thoughts just letting them come and writing down what they were the best I could. So here is what it looks like, two pages later (again apoligies for repetition it is just what I thought as I thought it. That was the idea so here goes)  -

I can't handle this, I can't handle life. It's too hard. I can't do it! Nothing makes sense. My heart hurts. Lifes complicated and hard. I'm a loser. I'm a burden. I can't handle anything, it hurts. Why does it hurt? What am I doing still alive? I'm scared. What am I scared of? Everyone is better off without me. Everything is so hard all the time. I can't fight it much longer.I'm a loser, that's why I'm going to lose - loser, loser, loser. I'm horrible and discusting. Yuck! To hard basket, damn it! It's all to hard. Make the noise stop, please! I can't do this, I'm not strong enough, AAAAARRRGGGHHH! I'll never be anything. I'm a bad person. I need to die it's the only way. It will make everything stop, finally, once and for all. Die, I've got to die, it's the only way, everyone will be better off. I've got to do this. Don't be a chicken and just do it. Come on, it's the way it's supposed to be. I'm not made for this world. I wasn't made for this place. So, I must do what needs to be done. I wasn't made for this world. I wasn't made for this place. So I must do what needs to be done. I wasn't made for this world. I just wasn't! Let go... let me die. It's what I deserve, I am nothing. Complicated, everythings so complicated all the time! It never stops, nothing ever stops. Get out! Get out of my brain! My heart hurts, my inside hurt. The turmoil, it never ends, it doesn't end. I'm a loser, stupid. I should be able to handle this it is me afterall, I mean it is me. I should be strong enough to not be like this. I just should be, I just should be! Coulda, shoulda, woulda, blllaaaaa! I should be able to cope. I should be stronger. I'm not sane. I wasn't made for this place. I shouldn't be here, I should me dead. My life is worthless, I'm worthless! It stings just to think it. I guess the truth hurts. Go and do it, it's what you want, it's what you deserve. Everything is your fault, you'll never be any good. Be realistic. Everything is so hard all the time. My heart hurts , the feeling are so strong, I can't seem to shift them. Get out of me! Leave me! Just writing this crap shows how much of a loser I really am. I want to be dead, it's the right thing to do. I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to be here. Stop being in my head, GET OUT! I'm not coping. I'm not strong enough. I can't win. I just wasn't made for this place. I'm not meant to be here. I wasn't made for here. I just want to die. Come on, you know it's the right thing to do, just do it. Come on, you know it's the right thing. You know you're going to do it, it's inevitable. Just go and get it over with. You know you're going to do it. Why fight it? Just do it, it is your destiny. Everything will stop finally! You know you're going to do it anyway. You weren't made for this place, you know that, I know that. everybody. Everyone will be fine, everything will be fine. I wanna be dead. I'm ungrateful. Some people don't have the option like I do and this is the thanks I give! Good one loser. STOP IT! I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. AAAARRGGGGHHH!!! Just stop it! I'll never be anything. I'll never do anything. I'm just a burden. I can't get better, I've been like this since I can remember, so why should now be any different? You'll never change. It's just the way that I am and now I must die. die, die, die! I'm just like this and I'm not supposed to be here in this world, I'm just not. I want to cry but I can't. I need to cry but the tears just won't come. Just go and do it. You know you can. You know you want to. Just do it already, farout! I can't cope. I'm struggling. I'm hopeless, ugly, fat, stupid, useless, worthless - ouch! That's the one I struggle with. Worthless - ouch! It stings. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless! But still I'm not crying. I need to cry damn it! I'm not meant to be here. I hate myself. I'm horrible. I don't deserve anything. I'm sorry for anything and everything. Does it matter? Does anything matter? Nothing is ever going to change. It hurts, it hurts my insides. The pain never goes away. I can't get a break. The strong negative feelings are rushing through me. A knife about now would be good, then I could slit my wrist. I want to see the blood, lot's of red thick blood. Oh my gosh listen to me, I'm a crazy person! (like we didn't know that) I'm never ever going to be any good. I am already messed up beyond repair. I'm so messed up! I'm just life this, never meant to be born. I'm not made for this world. I'm going to do it, I have to do it. It's the only way the pain will stop. Just for a bit of peace, finally! Everyone will be better off. You're just a burden, you gotta do it. Just got to leave me alone ok, just got to give it a rest. I'm never going to find anyone. No one will want all this crap. There's so much to do and I can't handle anything.

Right so that's a small step into the brain of me, fun place hey ;-) well I guess that's probably plenty for one take. Take care.

One

And so it starts, my journey of truth. Out into ciberspace it goes.

They say the truth hurts...It does and so does keeping secrets. They're inside of you screaming to come out LOUDER LOUDER LOUDER!! So what price, I ask, would you pay to keep dark dark secrets? What would it cost you? ... Your life?? If the secrets you hold inside can never come out. If what you hold weighs down on you like the weight of the whole wide world? Would you keep them? Really? Tearing shreds from inside you which you therefore convert to the outside of you, cuts, strengulation. How would you cope if all seemed somewhat lost? If you were drowning in your sorrows, living with lies, days after days? Could you live with yourself? Could you wake up every morning to face the day, when you believe yourself to be worthless and no good? Truely? I am asking you not to judge me with my ill outlook and beliefs. We are all human afterall. I am writing this to try to release some of vast amount of pain I hold inside, hoping that somehow it might help. I want to be rid of this stuggle - GET OUT! My head speaks loud to me, never seeming to tire. "Kill yourself" it says, "You will never get through this" it repeats over and over. "You weren't made for this place, you're just not bla bla bla" is the noise I hear... I feel. Everytime I breath it's a struggle. Its heavy like I have bricks on top of me. Deep breath in, then out. Might sound easy for you right? Even a little hard to imagine I mean its autopilot that we do this. Why would you feel like its heavy or hard? Believe me it is and it was and it will be. Why bother? Why do it? Perhaps because people rely on you. People care for you, even if you wish they didn't, so you could just do what must be done. Or even people just expect you too so you obviously must. "You're not crying so you should be fine" is said. "You look ok so you must be fine" they say. "Just snap out of it", "just keep busy and you'll be right", "You've got to get through this for me" to name a few. Really? I have to get through this for you. Really? I have to live with all this pain, inner battle and then on top of that the guilt from letting people down, cos that helps. People I need you not to see this as complaining or talking out my 'a' this is all very true for me everyday. Or that I must'nt care for anyone - LIES. I do care for alot of people, some to much that even I can handle. How am I still here? I ask myself this daily as well. Is it guilt working over time inside or just a lack of luck in my plans? Because I know exactly how I'd do it. When, where, and how are already decided up stairs. Yet I'm still here... dam!