Sunday 24 April 2011

Twenty One

      Oooh crappity crap crap! What the hell am I doing? Seriously what? I am not the same as everyone else, which is pretty obvious. But I don’t mean that in an “I’m unique” way. I am just explaining how I don’t function right. I feel that when I was made the concoction was all over the place. Now here I am chipping away at this experience called life. Every conscious person has it but nobody seems to have nailed the reason why. There are a lot of people who have an opinion on why we are all here. But who are we to judge and how are we to ever really know/findout the truth. Is that another issue that’s bothering me also? I do have many issues, small as well as BIG. What do I suppose the BIG ones are... hmm maybe I’ll leave that one alone tonight, I’m in a vulnerable state and that can be very dangerous. I’m also consumed with one of the BIG issues at the moment, and I’m not getting any nearer to the solution. Somehow I have to sort it out or I will die from suicide eventually, fact.  From the information in my past blog, I now realize that my brain is sending these negative, deathly feelings throughout my body. My heart seems to be hurting almost constantly. It is broken. OUCH! Harsh. I need an off switch so I suffer no more. You see when it’s the heart it seems to spread to areas surrounding. Wow! Amazing! The heart is sooo sensitive and delicate, is it really the brains signals? Blows me away. Tonight my body is wound up and wound down at the same time... How can this be? It’s a crazy feeling and the way to handling it is nowhere in my sights. I feel, as yesterday, that I want to run flat out into walls or cut my arms, also running around screaming is up there too. But the wound down, smaller half, feels awful and would like to retire to a dark corner and shiver. No it’s not cold, my body is kind of spazzo. And again the question is still on my back, weighing me down, Do I want the struggle to be over or to struggle for the rest of my life? I have been told that I can get through this. That I can get better... Hmm intrigue.

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