Fifty One

                Have you ever had that feeling, deep down inside that maybe things might start to be looking up? The feeling that something was bought in to your life to change your whole view on the world? That life had been a thick, dark misery for soooo long and now, finally, a ray of light has come shining through? I did. A tiny, but extremely hopeful part of me fell for this sick idea of a joke from the universal powers or whatever powers that may be! I wonder, how could this happen? How could I be so stupid to buy into this for even a second? What an idiot I am! I don’t have a chance, never have, never will. I see no point to this horrible life and that’s making it extremely difficult to go on. My insides are yelling at me “I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE LIVING, I HATE MYSELF!!!!” I don’t stand a chance in this place so why the hell am I still going through all this bullcrap?! There’s a point when enoughs, enough, you know what I mean. I am never going to amount to anything (because I’m hopeless), I am never going to feel any better (because I don’t deserve to) and I’ll be alone for ever (because I’m worthless). Gee with these great, exciting odds why would I possibly want to be anywhere else! I mean sometimes you get told something that breaks your already bleeding heart to pieces, you want to say “no, I don’t except” but you can’t because you feel already so hurt that the idea of hearing anymore would just suffocate you to within your last breath. How do I cope? How can I possibly? The worse thing is that I can’t kill myself at this stage because I don’t want anybody to feel to blame for that. I know that if I die it will be at my hand because of a million or so reasons stacked roughly on top of each other, swaying in the rough weather and when they finally collapse, so will I. It took me 2 hours to do a ½ hour drive on Thursday because I had to pull over because I was absolutely bawling my eyes out. An hour and a half on the side of the road bawling, along with outbursts of bawling that night. Friday, I spent in bed all day in a depressed tranced like state, staring into space and crying. I have never, unless sick, spent a whole day in bed ever. This is bad. Today I’m a mixture of the two but am trying to get just a little bit stronger so perhaps I can face the world just like everyone expects and if everyone excepts it then I must do it, right, isn’t that the way it works.