Saturday 7 May 2011

Thirty Five

                I know it’s still quite early to be blogging but when you need to talk, or rather write, you do. I am undecided about how today will be for me but I am hoping it goes up even a little so I can have a bit of a breather after yesterday. Last night I had another bawling session. At first I was just teary and I had a hug then went to the bathroom. After I shut the door, I just dropped to my knees and started bawling my eyes out. I ended up in the fetal position. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying, I guess the inner strength I need to stay sane, as much as I can, is taking more out of me than I thought. My head talk is negative and my visions are graphic. As the night proceeded the pictures in my head became more frequent. I wondered why my negative thoughts had gotten worse since leaving hospital. I mean, I knew it was going to be a challenge but I guess I underestimated it. All I wanted to do was get a razor and slash my arms over and over again as hard as I could! I didn’t feel that I belong... I still don’t. My family and friends are a great support to me, but it’s really up to me. I wonder if I have what it takes.

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