Forty

                Busy, that’s what I seem to be of late. It is helping me a bit but it is also hindering me. Keeping busy helps because it keeps me occupied and less likely to act on impulses, it doesn’t help because I feel quiet tired all the time and it makes me anxious and I find it hard to wind down. The suicidal thoughts are still suspended in my brain. Just think, if I plunged a knife through my heart right now all this bull crap could be over. No more trying to manage my messed up head and my deeply confused feelings ever again... sounds pretty damn good to me. But yes I would miss some very important people in my life, I guess I just hope beyond hope that if said event was in fact to happen, or something similar, that these people would know who they are and know and know what they meant to me, also that there was nothing anyone could have done differently to change my fate. But as it sits now I’m pressing on and waiting for something more within me to change for the better, a path to greener pastures perhaps.