Ten

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   The impact of words and actions can be very powerful indeed. We as people have the ability to forgive... or do we? Do we ever really forget? I suppose it depends on the severity of the situation. Perhaps it was extremely uncalled for and is because the said person was frustrated, or perhaps it even triggered something off within us. Our reactions to such things are very crucial in our, and the other peoples, future. Forgiving... is that the correct word if we don't let go of what's happened? Is it really forgiving them? I thought when someone says "You're forgiven" means"ok, lets move on and never bring it up again." Even, and especially in the heat of the moment. Have you thought about your outlook on this situation? Well maybe it's about time you did. This very small change could change you relationships for the better, if it's mutual. When I look around I always see a lot of busy people, rush, rush, rush. Really, has it always been like this? My guess would be no. But how would I know? I think we all need to take it down a couple of notches. Pay attention to what we are doing, who is with us and just admire the small things. I know, that's rich coming from me. As they "Practice what you preach". I wish I could. Why is it that we can give nice helpful advice to others, but don't seem to take it onboard ourselves? We seem to be very hard on ourselves. I suppose for me, I feel so worthless that I need to try and be perfect and do everything right so I am good enough for the ones nearest to my heart. I can't make mistakes, which is impossible, but I feel aweful when I do, like really, really gutted. I try so hard because I want to be good enough for them to love me back. There are things, situations, that have gone on throughout my time in the world that has proven to me that I am worthless, truthfully. I don't know any different. I'm programmed this way. I don't feel any different. Also in many situations I feel like I'm that helpless, useless little girl again, yearning for affection. There are areas within me that have conflict over the truth about me and truth about the world. For instance, one part of me may be saying "You don't deserve to be here. You're only a nuisance. You are nothing and you never will be. You crazy 'da didi da da blah!" And there's a tinsy winsy teenie tiny little part of me somewhere in there that feels very strange... Foreign, uncharted territory. I suppose it could be uncharted because I'm scared. Scared of my hopes and dreams being crushed yet again. Very wary of ever trying to get there and explore this long lost feeling. I guess because of all the pain and suffering I've been put through already. I've been let down nearly every time before. With this... I'm saying that I have felt so low at these times and had such hateful feelings towards myself. I remember when I was about 12 I was in my room bawling and writing " I HATE MYSELF!" on sheets of paper and ripping and scrunching them up in frustration towards myself. Some of the stuff racing through my head was "Your a stupid idiot!," " I hate myself!" "Nobody loves me!" "I'm not worth nothing ever!" Then my problem solving thinking cap would eventually flick on and yes, " I wish I was dead!" Lack of coping has always been a problem with me, I just can't handle anything. So death, yes death, is the magical answer to all my problems. Wow! It's really quiet amazing that one can make sense of this life we have. I'm actually terrified! Should I have a little faith or am I just going to be let down once again? They say, " No we won't leave you or bail on you, then WHAM!! They're gone in a flash. And so I'm back to square 1, alone and challenged. You know what the stupid thing is? I actually had believed in these people, I fell for it, everytime! I guess that's my own fault then hey, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Even just looking at, thinking about, or being around certain people makes my heart feel as though it's been ripped out of my chest. Then doubled into a soccer ball. I feel it being kicked around, blood splashing around in a trail where it's been, leaving the ground stained with blood. I feel it as if it were literal. But the wierd thing is that I don't want to go and grab it and cradle it back into good health. No, I want to pick it up and throw it far, far away where me and no one else will ever find it! That would be wonderful, for the pain is often unbearable. So if I have it ripped out and turfed away I would not have to deal with the constant heart ache. Now the thought of manually cutting it out has come to mind... To me, everything is a possibility.