Fifty Four

                Progress... according to everybody that’s what I’ve made. Yes this is probably true but why can’t I feel it? Is my head stuck too far under the sand? It must be. I am being looked after so well at the moment and it helps beyond words but it’s not that simple. I feel I need to find a solution to all this negativity and suffering. Is the answer right in front of my face and I’m just too blind to see? Inside this seems true but just typing about it now is making me realize that there is probably not just “a solution” but rather a range of small steps and more hard work to moving through this to a somewhat normalised life, for lack of better wording.

Fifty Three

                I feel so empty. I wake up every morning and feel I don’t have anything to get out of bed for.  I just lay there staring into space, nothing left to live for. I just want to die. It would be better for everyone if this was to happen. Family, friends, they would have no need to worry anymore, I don’t deserve it anyway. My innards are aching never giving relief... It feels like it is time, time to end it once and for all. I am stuck down a deep well with rats chewing away at my flesh where I lay, there’s not much left and therefore not much point going on. This is only a short blog but the information it holds is heavy. I am running out of time and I don’t want to hurt the ones around me but I don’t want to be here either. Catch 22.