Thirty Eight

                It’s tough. What is this feeling that I have? I can’t identify it? It sits extremely heavy in the lower central of my chest. It strains me to breathe in and with every breath out I feel closer to tears. I got really anxious earlier and then, whilst trying to concentrate on driving, I head was full of other people’s voices. It wasn’t like one or two voices telling me to do things or that I was a superhero or something, no, it was lots of people all talking at once. It was as though I was in a big shopping complex on one of those busy days, when you have to dodge and squeeze around people just to get from a – b. It were as though I was standing write in the middle and couldn’t move and all this was going on around me and I could hear all the noise. The thing is I was in a silent car, no radio or nothing and absolutely no control over the head noise. Pretty scary actually, I mean, I’ve never heard others voices before. Now if I didn’t feel crazy before... Right, so coping... I am still here, I have ok days and I’m pottering along. The struggle against self-harming is HUMUNGUS!! I had nooo idea what I was in for when I left the big house. I want to get the razor and start calving. Even put it apart to get the individual blades out so I can cut deeper and more painfully. It’s not the pain of the cutting but also the stinging of the blade. The thing to is that if others talk or hint about self-harm, I want to do it even more I’m not sure why. Hmm, self-harm - Do I feel it this time? Will I feel it that time? Am I going to dissociate? Who knows, I suppose I just have to keep putting my all into fighting the urge and not give in.