Seventeen

      Secrets... We all have them. But to what extreme? Do you think the ‘little white’ ones are ok or are you more black and white towards it saying a lie is a lie? Some people say it’s to spare others feelings. What do you think? Or more to the point of this blog, what do I think? I tend to be black and white with it but of course, I have told lies. Is keeping secrets lying? I’m going to say no because a secret is just that, a secret and sometimes it’s not your secret to tell. As I’ve already pointed out previously, I have secrets. I don’t know what to do about them. I cannot tell them all for it will only bring guilt and suffering to the ones I love. I don’t want anyone blaming themselves for not picking up on it or letting me have contact with the person. I can’t, but I would like to see said person and ask them why and tell them how screwed up I am now as a result of these things. They could possibly just say “care factor 0”. I guess it’s like a closure thing. I have been blaming myself for these things for a lot of years and I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I heard them say to me “it wasn’t your fault, it was mine”, “I was in the wrong not you” or something, anything. I suppose in my head I think that I might be able to let go of it to a degree and heal a bit. I strongly doubt it, with the severity of my feelings and belief system that this would be at all what it’s been built up to be in my head. One of the nurses told me to write a letter to them. Here is a little bit of it –

 My insides are restless and my outsides are sick. My heart is sore, my body and mind are tired. For I have fought, fought alone, this everlasting battle. I wake up every day feeling these things. I am having all types of pills and therapy just to keep me alive another day, but I feel that I will fail because I ache as though irreparable. I blame myself for everything, even stuff I have no control over! Crazy hey! I know and believe me it’s not a walk in the park. You need to know that I’ve been hurting all these years and you need to pay attention.

This is just a part of it but you get the idea. I am really struggling and have been for many, many years. I have scars over my body and nightmares when I’m sleeping. But the hardest thing seems to be to love and be loved...you have no idea how messed up this is inside my heart and crazy mind. Also, how severely this impacts on all my relationships with anyone. To be given any type of affection is so difficult, I suppose because these events and insecurities are with me... haunting me. I have gotten much better now because I make myself cuddle and tell people I love them. A close friend and I nearly died, but that’s for another day, but since then I have wanted everybody to know exactly what they mean to me. Life’s too short and you never get a second chance when you’re dead. So for the past few years I have gotten better and better at expressing my love and affection. Those who know me will remember how much I would try to dodge the affectionate moments. Now you can see me hosting them. But what everyone doesn’t realize is that deep inside me there’s a warning light flashing and making me uncomfortable and scared. I trust these people and its ridiculous not to, but it is a fact that this is how I feel and it’s awfully hard and very real. Now I don’t want anybody to freak because I’ve shared this because I really love those who are close to my heart and it’s nothing to do with you. It’s the aftermath of these terrible situations and how much they impact on my life. Wow it’s good to get that out there! I feel a breakthrough coming with this because I knew it affected me, of course, I just didn’t realize how much.