Forty Eight

                I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. My Bff has returned home and we had a good time up here together. I just felt, while she was here, that I was letting her down in some way. We went to the fun parks and I was very anxious about going on the bigger rides so we didn’t – hardly seems fair hey. Also my medication is making me really sleepy all the time. I get a proper night sleep and still feel like I could sleep all day, it’s crazy! I don’t want to take any more pills because the side effects I seem to get are just ridiculous. So I see the psych tomorrow and fingers crossed we can work something out. My inner turmoil is still gurgling away. I don’t know how to cope with it and basically everyday things. I can feel myself sliding back but have no control of it. Cutting seems to be a thing playing on my mind and I can’t always knock back the opportunity. So, does this make me a failure... it certainly feels like it. I don’t feel like I’m letting myself down because who cares about that. I feel like I’m letting certain people in my family down. They do so much for me and here I am, feeling as though I’m sneaking around behind their back, it makes me feel absolutely awful! You might say “well why do it then?” Haha, if only it were that simple.

Forty Seven

                I had been having a hard time with all the noise in my head. Round and round the thoughts were going and I had not one bit of control over them. Now thanks to the psych, I have started a new medication which has helped tremendously! I am now feeling fairly decent and that is great news seen as my BFF flies up here to see me in two days. I was so worried I was going to be a shipwreck while she was here and ruin her 25^th but things seem to be in order, YAY! I can’t wait to see her. We have not been away from each other for this long since we met and that was many years ago now – oh how it makes you feel old :-/ It’s going to be awesome and I get to introduce her to all my lovely new friends up here who have made it possible for me to have made it this far. Can’t wait!!!

Forty Six

                I have had a rough few days but am feeling the load lift slightly today. The doctor has put me on a new anti-psychotic which seems to be slowly the madness upstairs down a little which is great. If just got to be weaned off the other ones I’m on also, then I won’t be so tired all the time. So this is good news I suppose you could say. The graphic nightmares I’ve been having have slightly subsided so yes, it is good news. On another note I seem to have no confidence in myself as a person. I mean I have always hated myself and confidence has been pretty grim but I can manage to make myself manage somehow. Of late this has been a real struggle. I feel like everyone, even my friends and family, are disgusted by the very sight or thought of me as I am. I feel scared to go anywhere by myself and scared that if I go with someone they will be made fun of because of my hideousness. Gosh, when does the cycle end! I am determined to make myself do these things though and push through it. Let’s hope I have the guts.