And so I am, still here and still in hospital. I am actually starting to make some real progress in getting well. This is good, but I’m scared. Doubts arise “what if I’m let out to early?” “what if I can’t cope?” “what if I just kill myself soon after anyway?” Twirling around in my head are these types of thoughts along with the already forceful negative ones. Don’t think about it I say to myself but if you’ve been reading my blog then you know that this is not an option for me. Wow, I hope that people who have control of their thoughts and feelings know just how lucky they are. I may get better but there is doubt whether I could fully be one of those people. I’m also scared because the dark, treacherous thoughts are still upon me, pressuring me to die. It’s like I have a dark evil aggressor trying to force my hand to give pain and even death to myself. I suppose I should be glad that there is an enlightened side there at all. I am just unaware of the level of force it could withstand against a side that has been around much longer and is equipped with much more practice and certainly more power. So what am I really saying here? Even I’m not 100% sure. I could be worried that after all this work, crying, heartache and pain, the dark side wins anyway and I die, or am I really scared that the light side will grow and I will actually go on to lead a happy and reasonable life... Happy... What a very strange word. I often wonder if I could be happy or better still, content. What an amazing sensation it must be, but still I am very deeply afraid. Now it’s coming out. I am afraid that if I get happy something will happen that rips it all out from under me, YANK! It’s gone! I suppose that’s what always happens. I start to enjoy myself or have fun and BAM I’m triggered or have harsh, upsetting words said to me. I suppose if I’m just depressed then this can’t happen can it. And if I am dead I will never have to be rejected or disappointed ever, ever again.
Don't be scared of the good feelings, just take time to get used to them, "sit" with them as we keep on getting told in DBT.
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to feel happy and good and better, you validate the feelings which is accepting them for what they are, with no judgement attached.
You CAN do it KIm, there is a fighter in you. Fight the dark and twisties and ninja kick them really hard in the balls.
Always remember you have me and Laura as a support network in the "real world" and you can get better, you know what to do.
Love and strength,
Claire xxxxxx
hahaha I like the ninja kicks :-) thank you for your always encouraging words. I hope that the three of us can encourage and support each other through this trecherous journey to all come out on the other side better off. Because there's ni 'i' in 'team'!! thanks again claire bear, thinkn of ya x
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