Twenty Six

         Facing 1 demon from the past at a time, this one is extremely tough. The one I speak of is the sexual assault. This one haunts me day and night. My feelings have altered immensely since these recurring events. This is horrific and has changed my whole life, more than likely forever. Will touch ever be 100% pleasant for me or will I always have that terrified feeling in the pit of my stomach, or the “warning sign” flashing within? Doesn’t seem fair does it. But what is fair? They say that there is always someone else out there worse off than you. Whether or not this is true for everyone, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t help, well not for me anyway. In fact it makes me feel a lot worse. So the word fair, such a short word, I’ll give the dictionary definition first - free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge. Ok so that’s the ‘official’ meaning. But what does fair mean to you? When I think of fair I think of ‘just’.  So to me, if someone says it’s unfair, they are saying something is unjust. Doesn’t everybody have the right to decide, for themselves, what is just or what isn’t? What seems unfair to me might not even seem worth a thought to the next person. So how can we really say “you’re not the only one, get over it.” Ouch! Is all I can say to that. What harsh words to say to someone who is distressed by something you care nothing about. I suppose you just have to try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think ‘if I was upset about something, how would I like to be treated?’ It’s all about equality. Ok so back to this BIG, nasty demon of mine, how do I get rid of it? Can it scream from the top of my lungs “BE GONE!!!” (I have tried this in the past and it hasn’t worked) Can it be pulled from my body so I can rugby tackle it? Unlikely, although it is a nice thought. No, I have to try to eliminate, as much as possible anyway, the inner evil by taking it head on. I am just not sure if my improving side is ready for such anguish. Especially when that dark cloud of self-harm and suicide do not seem to want to budge from above me.