Eighteen

       I still have a tight, knot-like feeling in my stomach. It makes my breaths heavy and my chest churn, looking for relief. I am just trying to take deep breaths, which I’m still not very good at, waiting for it to calm a little. When thinking back, my life, on the surface, was somewhat perfect. I was buying a house, had a good job, was engaged, had great friends, etc. So one might ask, what happened then? I suppose I am too stuffed up in the head to really evaluate the situation properly. Self-destructive comes to mind, lack of self-control and coping with my condition also rate high. But then it goes to, what caused these problems? Because I feel so terrible all the time I feel that I must be an awful person and that’s why this has happened to me. It’s my fault and now I must be punished. It/I ruined all parts of my life; including the ones I loved the most. I am truly sorry to everyone who may have been affected by this/me. If I get through this, and I’m not sure I will, I have a lot of work to do to fix all the mess that lay before me. Okay, on another note, I saw the doctor yesterday afternoon. The doctor and I have been trying just about everything to improve my mental health. I looked deep down inside myself trying to find an apparent answer for lack of response to treatment. With that, plus the consultation with the doctor we worked out a bit of a direction. We discovered that the suicidal ideation is closely linked with the sexual abuse. We did not know this before because I hadn’t had too many flashbacks and wasn’t, in my head, thinking about it too much. Yesterday’s blog was a pretty big step for me. With typing it I realized that I don’t physically “think" about too much because I always try to force it out. But my feeling and emotions are utterly screwed up from this. Talking through this may result in a better state of mind and emotions. We also discovered that I have a severe fear of rejection and can get a bit manic. Plus I tend to dissociate a fair bit.  These discoveries may not seem like anything to you, but for me it is HUGE news. I guess like a type of solution, finally! For months we had tried to aimlessly fight this battle. Now we have some ammunition. Now we have a goal to work on and the psychiatrist knows how to get there. My mood is still unacceptably low so we need to sort out my medication also. But I suppose, if I make it, in time I may find a little word called hope.