Thirty

                I am feeling pretty decent today. The rough days are made slightly lighter knowing that I can have days like today. I want to leave but I have a fairly definite problem. I feel that self-harm is going to be inevitable. It’s like I already know I’m going to do it and that it’s just a matter of time until I do. I keep trying to get the point across in my head and think ‘no, I can’t, I won’t take that step backwards.’ But I crave it like an alcoholic craves after grog. I know it sounds sick, craving cutting myself and watching the blood pour out. Then you cut again and again. Once you start it’s very hard to stop. It becomes a very strong addiction and while fighting all these other difficult things am I able to fight another on top of all that? You see, I can try to heal myself of all the hurt and pain that I’ve felt over the years. Trying hard to change and be as good as I can be. But that’s my point here; I can be a good as “I can be.” You see, the damage to me is done. I can’t change it. I can’t erase it. It is always going to be with me, ‘til death do us part.’ I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I’m always going to be a little messed up, that’s just me. I, for lack of a better word, fantasise about self-harming as soon as I see an opportunity arise. I was given a list of alternate actions you may take instead of the bumpy road of self-harm such as – snap my wrist with a rubber band, squeeze and ice cube in the palm of your hand or where on your body you want the pain (this apparently gives the same sensation as burning), etc. If you want to see blood some of the options are – draw on yourself with a red marker, use a piece of ice to draw where you want to cut (got to be premade as red ice) etc.  There is a more descriptive and longer list but hopefully you get the gist of it. My mindset has not altered too much when thinking of me making a decent recovery. I am putting a lot of effort into this, as a lot of others are, I both improve and get somewhat through this or I’m dead. I am not doing this again and that’s it.