Friday 6 May 2011

Thirty Four

                My thoughts seem to be very dark at the moment. I had an intense moment last night. You see, I’m down the coast with some family and we are staying on the 12th floor of the hotel building. If you know or are getting to know me then you will be able to imagine the danger and temptation I face with this arrangement. Don’t get me wrong, this place we’re staying at is amazing! It has great views, lots of space and is near beaches and shops. It’s like a hollywood dream place or something. So, it started when I went out onto the balcony last night to open the privacy doors. As soon as I looked down my head started yelling “JUMP, DIE. JUMP, DIE. DO IT DON’T DO IT, YES, NO, YES, NO, YES!!!” It was my first night out of hospital and it was extremely confronting. I went back inside where a family member, who I’m very appreciative to, helped me calm down a little bit. Later, after we got back from tea, I was trying to explain to this family member what had actually happened. I was part the way through explaining when they started to get easily distracted and start talking about off topic things. This hurt because I felt that I was not important. When we got back, I sat in my room looking out of the 12th floor window and just bawling. I thought ‘this isn’t going to work.’ I wanted to jump and they didn’t understand! When they saw me crying they came over and cuddled me. We just sat there hugging while I was crying and telling them that this wasn’t going to work and they don’t get it. I mean this is my life, my whole life, one wrong movement from me can = bye bye forever.  They replied by telling me that they might not understand ‘yet’ but that this is a big learning curb for them and that I’ve got to try and be patient and that we can learn from each other to make it work. This is rightly so. I am very sensitive when I’m in said frame of mind. I feel worthless straight away, I believe everybody thinks I am too and that I should just die because that’s what I deserve. By reading this hopefully you can understand how quickly and to such a drastic level my mood changes. I do need to try harder to understand that they don’t know. We both need to communicate a better. I need a LOT of support and I mean a LOT, to get through this and I am worried they might be in for more than they bargained for. They hugged me and wouldn’t let go until I was feeling a bit better – thankyou x. I don’t feel like this is fair on them at all and deep down I’m just not sure what to do about that. I love them and they’ve been great to me. I don’t want to be a burden and bring them down with my negative crap. I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Thank you to them for their support, it means a lot, really.

4 comments:

  1. Hi kim, where are you on the coast? if it all gets too much and you want to see a familiar face let me know. We live up by dreamworld.
    Keep safe, xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. near Kirra. thank you, you too hey x

    ReplyDelete
  3. p.s you live near dreamworld, whats that like?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dreamworld? great fun lots of scary rides, they have loads of animals: tigers and they have the white lions too

    ReplyDelete