It’s been a little while since my last blog, I suppose not that long really but still. Yes I have been relatively busy but the main reason I have not blogged is because of where I seem to be at. My thoughts are spinning and crashing around like the offshore depths of the sea in a heavy storm. My feelings are equally as fast and muddled. I cannot seem to decipher one from the other. I struggle even more to concentrate. I fight harder everyday to put on that brave, progressive face. In way of bodily harm I have improved, of this there is no doubt, for I have not yet succumbed to the urges that flow through me. As for the rest of my problems, I cannot say. I struggle... struggle like I did before I came to Queensland. I feel myself slowly changing back into the shipwreck I was. Is it just habitual? Can it be changed? Will I ever mend? They say over time I will, I say in theory this is all well and good but what about the person experiencing the severe feelings and thoughts that won’t, no matter what they do, shift. Just like me and friends have a ‘T’ for TIME and you have a break, so where is that? No rest for the wicked and no rest for the worthless. The people around me look at me, even right into my eyes, and they have no idea that I am fighting away the same rushing pain with the severity increasing that I was before entering hospital. Backwards I slide down a steep muddy bank on my way to the dreaded cliff.
I hear where you're at love, sometimes I wonder why I'm not in hospital. I dont think I'm any better than when I went in.
ReplyDeleteI put on this brave smile and tell them I'm trying my best, but really, what do they care? I'm just another case to them. If I died tomorrow, maybe they'd shake their heads saying they knew it was coming. What am I to them but a statistic, just a name on a page, nothing really.
They don't know what goes on inside. How can they unless they have lived it, experienced it, died with it.
Miss you.