Thirty Two

                I woke this morning and did not know which way my day was going to go. Is it going to be crappy or pretty decent? Its 11:00 and I still sit undecided. I don’t feel as though I have the strength today for it to be a crap one though. Things are lingering around in my mind. Touch... it is a real struggle at times. The fear that I can get is so intense and triggerish, I don’t want to ruin relationships with it, but I already am aware of how much it interferes. I must fight through it – I say in my mind – the past is the past. I like that; the past is the past. I am trying to ingrain that into my head. If there was only one thing I needed to truly acknowledge, this would perhaps be in the running. The thing is that I know this on a conscious level, obviously, yet negative and deathly signals are sent painfully shooting throughout my body (perhaps subconscious). I’m fighting with a big part of myself and I will be working double time on this for sure. Also, I am getting out of hospital in the next few days. I will be released back into the wild. I now have the song ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ stuck in my head. Challenge after challenge... that’s what will be driving me and pushing me trying to get me back down and into bad habits. When I leave, I will be seeing temptations from all around me. I have to try my hardest to be stable and strong and say to myself, “No, walk away.” How well this works is beyond me but I have to treat every time, I don’t give in, as a success. You see, how my mind has worked previously is that I have felt like a failure for even thinking such negative, morbid things. So basically I have been a failure before I’ve even given into such thoughts. I must learn to except that yes I do feel like this and I am thinking of that, that’s just the way it is, but what I physically do with that is a whole new can of worms. I also need to except that I am only capable of so much. If I slip back a little I just need to say to myself “it’s okay I will try to do better next time” and try not to beat myself up about it. And remind myself every day that any success, no matter how big or small, is good progress.