Twenty Nine

           Last night I went to sleep feeling pretty average. This morning I woke up feeling very average. Funny how it proceeds into the next day, as in it can’t be slept off, damn, wouldn’t that be nice. So today, yes it was a bit of a struggle, but I do know that there will be ups and downs and the important thing will be how I respond to these times.

        Out and free another day on leave. To me these days are becoming like a type of test trial for me to distinguish whether or not I will be able to cope in the big, wide world. Most days I think ‘yes, I will be able to manage myself with a plan and a good support network.’ Even though I have some very troubling thoughts, especially when feeling like I do today, as I become more confident I will be able to take these suckers on. I am safe enough in here but the problem is that I don’t have anyone to have a good, long, decent conversation with. The ones I have become close to have improved, somewhat, and left. They are doing remarkably. I miss them. I get lonely fairly easily so you can understand my dilemma. I feel sorry to my friends and family because when I do get out or get them on the phone I am usually that excited, when I feel more up, to have a familiar human contact I’m just like ‘blah blahblah blah blah.....’ It’s as though I haven’t had a decent conversation in years not days or hours. I do hope to be discharged in the near future and make my way back in to society where I hope I will somehow fit and feel worthy of the space I will occupy. Worth... that is something I am worried I may never feel. Also getting out from my new found “safe place” there will be another cloud hanging over me also, this one is called failure. I don’t want to fail anymore in fact on days that aren’t crap like today I actually want to win. I want to say ‘BRING IT ON SUCKERS, LET’S DO THIS THING!’ I just have to get through the fog up ahead of ‘if’s’, ‘buts’, what’s’, and ‘how’s. I still do not know the magic answers, nor can I crack the code, but on the days when I’m feeling not to bad I have a bit of fight back in me and that is more than I have had in a long time.