Twenty Seven

           Right, so today was actually pretty alright thanks. Wow I never thought it would ever be! I still got a very long and treacherous road ahead but I have also come so far since I got here. I must stick with it and try to persist with my recovery. I would like not to have too many setbacks and, again, put in my all and fight hard to stay well. I want to leave the hospital soon but have a few queries, I wrote them down to ask the doc about. 1 – I am worried that I will be let out or kicked out before I’m ready. He said that won’t happen, it will be a mutual decision by us. 2 – We’ve worked for over 4 months to get this thing going, so what if it’s spoilt by me becoming too distressed and unable to cope, so I kill myself anyway. He said I don’t think that is going to happen. 3 – I’m worried that there will be no support for me when I leave, e.g. health plan, professional help. He said there will be one set up for me. 4 – I feel that self-harm is quickly going to re-establish itself as my main way of coping and I don’t yet have the skills to tackle this. He said the DBT course I will start when I am more stable and less inclined to be so easily triggered will teach me such skills. 5 – I don’t want to end up back here. He said that’s the plan (as in not to). 6 – (last but certainly not least) I want to say goodbye to one of the very lovely staff members here. He said so you think she’s alright then? I replied she is beautiful! And WOW is she what!!!! I am also very concerned about the dark evil thoughts that still roam within me. They are still giving me the same message ‘kill myself, cut myself, jump in front of that car, this good feeling is fake, etc.’ We talked a little bit about that and I suppose if you have thought a certain way for so long, it just sticks. So another words, I have to reprogram, as such, upstairs. Also, I must confront all the issues and work through them, obviously. I guess in more than one way, old habits die hard.