Twelve

It's just plain annoying!
    It's like I've said before, if you're not bawling your eyes out then people presume that you are fine. This is soooo wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG!! So far from the truth because it is deep down within that holds this tormented soul. Sometimes you just move past tears beacause you've cried for so long and the pain becomes your everyday struggle. Inside, all over you, is fighting just to do everyday tasks. People take this privilege, yes privilege, for granted. They have no idea at all how much effort it takes just to do the simple things, how draining and overwhelming it is. They can't see it so it musn't be there. "You seem happier today" - rubbish! "You look better today" - bullcrap! " "You laughed earlier so it was gone for a while, remember the good times" - shut up! This is not true, to me anyway. It's always there, I always feel it, dragging me down and making me feel like I'm worth nothing at all. So what, I might smile at times and laugh even, but that doesn't mean it's actually gone for a while. It's still there. Deep down painful, and at times, torturous feelings are eating away at my insides. Slowly and painfully devouring me. But as people "can't see it," It musn't be there - whatever! I know I'm sounding a little harsh here people but you got to understand that after hearing these lines so often it becomes tiring and I'm worn out enough from the inner turmoil. I don't need people's "supposed to be helpful" words of apparent wisdom. I just would like everyone to accept that this is not just some story or so called words. This is very real and extremely likely to be the end of me. So please, stop saying thing when you have no idea.I feel it just about all the time and when I say that I mean it. Bad dreams at night, negative head talk and suicidal or self-harming thoughts. How? When? "Do it, you deserve it" "Cut yourself, give me pain and blood, lots of blood." To name a few. I am convinced by it that I deserve to be dead. But as it stands now, I want to be dead. There's only so much a person can take and I think I've about reached my limit.