Sunday 17 April 2011

Fifteen

Early,
     So I woke this morning at 4 am. The repetative thoughts going around in my head, such as, "Why am I here?" (in the world) "What is the point of all this struggling and pain?" "I should be dead... I'm supposed to be dead." "I'm never going to get through this." "I'm not strong enough." "I'm not worth all the worry and hassle." "The only way is to die." It's not exactly good morning is it?" All these thoughts and feelings are spinning and racing though my head and back around for round two, three, four, five etc. Also, oh yes, we can't forget that wonderfully powerful feeling that comes in a package deal with all this. Always there making me feel great! (sarcasm) Yes, that's right - guilt. Now this is a constant with me. A couple of the ways it works. Ok, I have all these lovely, supportive people in my life when I want to end mine. I feel guily when I might say the wrong thing and I'm not talking a little bit of guilt, I'm saying a huge amount of guilt even when the other person has said they've let go because it was minor while I'm there with thoughts such as "I'm useless, worthless, stupid ect." Guilty when I make a minor mistake. I can sit here now and say, like I would to a friend, nobodies perfect, everybody makes mistakes. Well apparently I'm not allowed to according to my brain and innards. I mean the amount of guilt is absolutely ridiculous. I can say this now whilst here, but you can guarantee the next time it happens I will be freaked out because I made the mistake, scared of getting into trouble and worried that people won't like me anymore, blah blah blah. I want to scream at myself "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Moving on, just being awake here, now, breathing as I type, I can feel the knife that's punctured through my heart, twisting. It's not moving fast enough that it will just kill me, no, just slow enough that I can feel the blade scraping around and around and the hole in my heart is becoming bigger. I stick to my routine in the morning, get up, make bed, shower and do hair, oh yeah, and a wee. I also had a very freaky experience. I accidentally caught my eye in the mirror. I looked away almost instantly with a gasp for breath. But, although it scared me, I wanted to look again. With that, I slowly turned to face toward the mirror and looked into my eyes again... it was very eerie. I couldn't hold my eye for very long at all. But the time I did manage, I was scared. I looked deep into my pupils and it felt like I was looking into my black, damaged  soul, like if I made a sound they would swallow me whole. Now I start to think, if I can't look into my own eyes, what are other people seeing? I never expect them to talk to me half the time let alone look into my horrible eyes. Spooky.

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