I’m crying as I type this. The pressure of the outside is ramming me into the earth’s hard exterior. BANG! Down I go repetitively. You see, I came out of hospital with this new view on how my life, if I lasted, would be. I was starting to tune in to my inner self. How I functioned was just that little bit more clear. Hope was a possibility not a distant blur. I realized I needed to spend a lot more time focusing on my well being and continuing to get in touch with what was going on within me. I felt some determination that I might have a chance, even if small. Now as I look at these blurry words I start to realize that I am losing control of my life and myself already. As I driving today it took all of my energy not to swerve in front of a big truck and hope for the best or worst, however you see it. I’ve had enough pain and I wish I could release it into the wild like the clawing beast that it is. I don’t belong here in this foreign place. Slowly I’m losing my concentration, my patience... my mind. Nobody can do a thing about it. I even feel as though I can do nothing about it also. So what’s the plan then? The saying is ‘live and let live’ but I am saying ‘die and let me die.’
Kim, You must slow down. DBT is a long and slow process and it takes a lot of effort and energy on your part.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, you can make the changes...I can already see that you are a different person to the Kim I knew at hospital, you are so much happier.
Take it slowly and don't let your mind race into the future. Think of the here and now and do your best for now...it will all start to fall nto place soon.
Keep up the good work,
Claire xx
I will try, thank you xx
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