Twenty

         Ahhhhh! I have started and deleted this blog 3 times and I just can’t get it to flow. My mind is racing a million miles and I can’t decipher any of what it is saying. Is it saying anything or is it just useless noise? I feel anxious and weird like I want to run full pelt into a wall. Or cut my arms as many times as I can and then play in the blood. I feel a bit psycho. Please do not misinterpret, I would not hurt anybody else intentionally, trust me. Ooh trust, a spooky word that has started to die in our world today. Like guilt, I see and hear of a lot people not having much of it. If I mixed with someone like that, we would have the right amount. What a great idea, we can call it ‘mending with maths’ haha okay just kidding. But seriously what is going on. I can’t think about it, it does my head in and that’s already been achieved. Most of my day, within me, was descent. The afternoon bought clouds of darkness to follow me and bring me down. They held deep, dark feelings and thoughts. They made me see things through a type of black screen, negative and glum. How can this happen? One minute I’m coping averagely and then ‘WHAM!’ I shoot down like 2 tons of bricks. Okay so let’s recap – my feelings and thoughts function whether or not I permit. I react to them, i.e. self-harming, as a result I end up back at square 1, feeling like total crap and wanting to kill myself. – Hmm, something is certainly not right here. Maybe my heads just not screwed on properly. But for this vicious cycle to prevail I would need some kind of pattern.  These thoughts and feelings are me, they are me. The end! So what now? I die? I live and do what? What do I do, you tell me? My habitual state is so set in that I have no idea who I am or what I am to do. My mind is circling around these questions. Could it be true what has been told to me? Could these horrible feelings and thoughts towards me actually not be true? Wow! Now that would be something. I wonder what I would think about if all this negativity were to be drained from me. I imagine a pile of bones, woops! Tricky tricky, I am torn. Do I want to fight on and live? Like really live not exist and say bring it on and life’s a gift. Or do I want to die? Let go of life and say I don’t think I can hold on and life’s crap. Because of my mood I thought ‘is there any hot chicky babes on the other side... But back to reality, the above questions are damn serious to my future. Like the common line goes – “To be or not to be, that is thy question.” And it is.