Sixteen,

I feel scared to laugh for the fear of the fall afterwards. Even if I do laugh it’s half-hearted because I feel that the liveliness has been drained out of me. So what is life without happiness? Hard? Painful? Not worth it? But it’s me who feels unworthy. So how can I turn this around? What can I do to turn my life around? I’m not sure I can, I’m tired from all the previous struggling. I seem to have gotten nowhere. So, what, I’m just supposed to let my life end... That’s exactly what I mean. I should be thinking “what are a few more months compared to all those years?” I can try and try to make myself think this, but my brain resists it. The suicidal thoughts are too strong and persistent, over and over, “GIVE ME A BREAK!” Plus all the planning and obsession that comes with it. You know I was sitting with my dad; we were looking at some birds. I kind all of got lost in my thoughts. He asked me “what are you thinking about?” “I said “you don’t want to know trust me.” I was in deep thought about killing myself with a big knife. Stabbing myself in the heart or cutting open my throat at least half the way through, wondering which way would be more painful, sufficient and/or quicker. I suppose you only die once so whether or not pain is an issue to you. It’s different for everyone. Me personally would like to go the quickest way because then nobody has a chance to find me before it’s completed, as I’ve mentioned previously. Hmm, could I perhaps change my mind? Or wake up one morning and all this pressure and negativity gone? I found out the other night, from a very dear friend of mine, that our feelings are the result of messages and signals from the brain. Wow! I really did not know that. I thought feelings were separate because they’re so powerful. So what are my thoughts towards my condition now? They’re still extremely real for me! So I can seriously ponder over this fact to find the ‘truth’. But at this stage, the ‘truth’ for me is that these emotions are tearing me apart. I can’t seem to escape! Possibly this fact may confuse me even further. But it’s worth the time if in fact some truth and knowledge may come from it. After all this is supposed to be a journey of truth, in saying that I am hoping that finding/sharing the truth will then set me free. If only I could share the truth about everything.