Monday 25 April 2011

Twenty Two

          No! I’m not “okay!” I’ve been wanting to harm and kill myself for over half of my apparent life. Through this time a lot of things, beside the obvious, have become demented within me.  A knife is no longer a tool for a steak, no; it’s a weapon, a weapon to cause pain and disfigurement. When I see one my mind goes crazy, gimme gimme gimme! Seeing a car driving, or driving in a car, is no longer what it is. It’s an opportunity for impact and pain, blood and guts, death and nothingness. A ledge, a rope a clothesline, a belt, a tie, electrical cords, cleaning products, a pool, whatever, I’m sure you could imagine what I’m saying. In case you don’t, I will tell you. Every day, no matter how I seem to people on the outside, I am fighting a different sort of battle, the type where I must not give into my impulses and urges. It doesn’t matter who is with me or what I am doing, whether it be laughing or crying, walking or sitting. Sometimes one little movement is all it will take. “go on, do it. Go On, Do It. GO ON, DO IT! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!” “SHUT UP!” I get so confused, this little movement could end it all forever, so with that I’ve got the “DO I DON’T I DO I DON’T I” and the “YES NO YES NO I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER YES NO etc.” It sounds pretty damn noisy up there, and let me tell you, it is. I have a lot of trouble concentrating when there’s noise near me, I guess because I already have enough. Also I am still thinking about death and self harm. It seems that death may have subsided a tiny bit and self-harm has fired up a fair bit more. So really, what are you thinking right now? That I’m crazy, ha-ha well I am in a mental hospital people pay attention.   

2 comments:

  1. Hey Kim, I am hearing you. Some days all I can see around me are items of torture, it is a twisted but fascinating aspect of our mental illness...being able to turn the most inconspicuous item in to a weapon.
    I also have a noise intolerance, too much noise and the wrong kind of noise sends me loopy and all I want to do is curl up in a ball, cover my ears and rock back and forth. Certain music triggers it too (guns and roses drive me mad)
    Stay alive kim, and I will see you on thursday xxxxxx

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  2. Thanks claire. It's a relief to have someone to relate to, believe me! But I am sorry that you have to go through these things. Thanks again, cya thurs x

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