Tuesday 12 April 2011

Nine

Made it through another day,
      Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know yet. I need to try even harder, somehow! My life is slipping away from me, therefore I need to hold on. Well that's what everyone seems to say to me "hold on, you can do it", hmm if only I had the drive, the courage to stand up and say loudly, "THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM IN CONTROL!" If only that were true for me. I try, I really do, to take control of my feeling and thoughts. I fail each time. The demon within is too powerful! Is perhaps that demon that I speak of - me. Is it a good vs. evil theme? Angel vs. Devil? How do I find this out? How can I cope if it is 2 sides of myself causing this inner conflict? Does that mean I am evil? Which part of the noise in my head is really me? I'm not even sure there is a me anymore. I feel like I lost her a long time ago and my body is going on autopilot. I walk, I talk, I get out of bed in the morning and back in at night. This is what "people" do, so it is what I must do. I can look like everyone else with a fake smile and a "how you going?" When deep, deep down inside I am crying my eyes out in pain. Pleading from my heart and soul for the answer, for it all to just stop. What is inner peace? What does normal mean? Is there such a thing? Everybody is different and that's what makes life interesting. To hear different peoples point of view is amazing. They may see something you never did, like different perspectives or vice versa. I take a deep heavy breath and try to release some of the weight. It seems to stick inside like velcro and super glue. My rushing thoughts continue, the repetitive words, "Die, die, your worthless and no good for anything, you never have been and you never will be. You are the pain, you are the problem. You will never get through this. Do what needs to be done, do it! Do it now!!" I actually was bawling my eyes out just before I got on here. I saw my doctor and we went in to a few things. A few dark, painful, pushed to the back of my mind, difficult things. We talked a bit about my feelings towards myself e.g. worthless, hopeless, incurable... Gosh, the word and the feelings I get in the presence of the word 'worthless'. It cuts through me like a chainsaw through a wattle tree. I feel paralysed, incapable of thought or function. This word is one of my hardest challenges within my brain. I believe this to be very true and as a result find it very hard to have anything or anyone, because I deserve nothing! I don't understand how I have such wonderful people i my, yes my, life. I do not want them to waste their precious time on someone as useless as me. I am losing the drive, that's more often than not, within me. I struggle to even get up, have a shower, brush my teeth, make the bed - whatever. Now come on, how pathetic is that! Just do it I say in my mind and of course I do it. But probably only because I like things tidy, to the OCD extent with some things. I feel that all this inner turmoil and difficulties is my fault. Otherwise why would I be the one in hospital suffering away day by day, if it wasn't my fault, hey. Makes perfect sense to me, one word for you "karma". And I think that's why this is happening to me. I am a bad, worthless person who doesn't deserve to be here at all. Guess I'll head of to bed soon and if I can safely get to sleep, see what tomorrow brings.

2 comments:

  1. Hey Kim - u r NOT a bad and worthless person. I've only known you a few days and I have not once thought "bad" or "worthless" when I think of you.
    Creative, individual, humorous and an interesting writer. There's some +ve words for you.

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  2. wow, thank you very much. Your very kind. I wish it were that simple but my inner demons are winning out at the moment, thanks n cant wait to see yours x

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