Two

Hello again,
So another day we have. I feel so guilty, I mean there's many people who don't get the luxury of a choice. They want to live, they wish they could have their time back or sickness cured. Then there's me - ungrateful for I have the gift of life and this is the thanks I give! Nice hey. I am so sorry for people in said situation that I can not trade with them...let them live, give that precious time back to them. I have had a very bad, very hard time of late, yer I know you're so suprised cos gosh I seems like I'm so optimistic! YAY! ( sarcasm ). I have written down my feeling for the past few days and would like to put it out there, get it off my chest so to speak. Alright so first one, here goes, (and I apologise for any repeated themes) -

My heart is sore as though it has been physically puncture. I can't get negativity or pain away from me. I'm stuck... trapped. I don't know who I am or what I am, I'm a stranger. The hurt and deception crawls under my skin all over. I actually feel physically hurt. The battle I face everyday is slowly killing me from the inside out. HELP! I scream from deep inside but no one answers because they can not understand the pain I feel always. They cannot see it so how can they possibly understand. It's dark and it's heavy, pushing me down, down, down! I try to get up but am pushed back down, possibly even further down then before. I can't win; I can't get the upper hand. I'm a failure. I should be able to control what's within me. I should be in charge! How much longer can I last living like this? A prisoner in my own pain, a prisoner within my own self. Fight! Fight! Fight!  Then fight some more, harder. Is living meant to be this hard? Surely not... so why am I doin this? Is it for the people who rely on me? Is it because it's just what's expected of me? I should be doin this for me, but I'm not. Yet here I am battling another day. Why? I should be dead. I'm supposed to be dead. I'm ready to be dead.

So that was the one I wrote first just the other night. I guess I'm trying to get across to others just what this is like. This is another that I'd like to share if you would just be patient with me -

I can't get the noise out of my head. It's loud and powerful, 'kill yourself, it's the only way', 'it's the only way just do it!'. I believe this is true, I mean I've thought it for so long so why not? This belief alone could ruin me... kill me. I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. I must die, it's the only way.I can't keep fighting this never-ending battle. I'm tired, I'm worn out, I'm sick of it! I know exactly how I'd do it. I think about it most of the time, suicide ideation. It floods my brain like a tsunami. My insides are torn. What is the right thing to do? I don't even know, I dont know anything anymore. I just know that I want this finished once and for all, no matter what it takes. I want these feelings and thoughts out of me! The feelings alone are too much to handle. They sit heavy on my insides filling me fast, flooding my insides. Just drown me and get it over with! Well that's the thing, I mean I had the option right there, few years back, on a platter for me and I fought. I fought damn hard to be alive. So close to the end...So why did I fight so hard just to end up here? Why didn't I just let go and let death consume me? What's wrong with me that I had a rare opportunity like that and didn't just let go? Now here I am ,3 years on from the neardeath, wanting to end my own life when I had the chance and I screwed it up! I wonder, everyday, why I fought so hard? I guess I'm just a sucker for punishment. That's what life seems to be for me, a punishment. I wake in the morning feeling like crap; I go to bed at night feeling like crap, while deep down inside of me the heavy feelings fester. No rest for the wicked right, so what does that make me? I dread to think. Be gone evil one.

Ok so thats been my feelings for alot of the time. I was having a really a really hard night the other night, like really rough. Suicide is a big load on me. I'v tried several times, here in hopsital, to kill myself. So close to success at times, gosh so close, yet im here so not close enough. The other night when I was really struggling, I decided to try a different approach and take myself out to the nurses station. Extremely anxious and agitated I went out there, the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness weighed down on my insides, WOO! and did they ever! Ok so I went out there because I could seem to settle for bed and one of the nurses gave me two pieces of paper. She said to me "write down exactly whats goin through your mind, don't worry about making sense or anything just do it. Put it on the paper." Well I decided why not, I mean you got to give everything a go right, even if there could possibly be one tiny string of possible hope. So I got a pen and away I went. Not censoring the thoughts just letting them come and writing down what they were the best I could. So here is what it looks like, two pages later (again apoligies for repetition it is just what I thought as I thought it. That was the idea so here goes)  -

I can't handle this, I can't handle life. It's too hard. I can't do it! Nothing makes sense. My heart hurts. Lifes complicated and hard. I'm a loser. I'm a burden. I can't handle anything, it hurts. Why does it hurt? What am I doing still alive? I'm scared. What am I scared of? Everyone is better off without me. Everything is so hard all the time. I can't fight it much longer.I'm a loser, that's why I'm going to lose - loser, loser, loser. I'm horrible and discusting. Yuck! To hard basket, damn it! It's all to hard. Make the noise stop, please! I can't do this, I'm not strong enough, AAAAARRRGGGHHH! I'll never be anything. I'm a bad person. I need to die it's the only way. It will make everything stop, finally, once and for all. Die, I've got to die, it's the only way, everyone will be better off. I've got to do this. Don't be a chicken and just do it. Come on, it's the way it's supposed to be. I'm not made for this world. I wasn't made for this place. So, I must do what needs to be done. I wasn't made for this world. I wasn't made for this place. So I must do what needs to be done. I wasn't made for this world. I just wasn't! Let go... let me die. It's what I deserve, I am nothing. Complicated, everythings so complicated all the time! It never stops, nothing ever stops. Get out! Get out of my brain! My heart hurts, my inside hurt. The turmoil, it never ends, it doesn't end. I'm a loser, stupid. I should be able to handle this it is me afterall, I mean it is me. I should be strong enough to not be like this. I just should be, I just should be! Coulda, shoulda, woulda, blllaaaaa! I should be able to cope. I should be stronger. I'm not sane. I wasn't made for this place. I shouldn't be here, I should me dead. My life is worthless, I'm worthless! It stings just to think it. I guess the truth hurts. Go and do it, it's what you want, it's what you deserve. Everything is your fault, you'll never be any good. Be realistic. Everything is so hard all the time. My heart hurts , the feeling are so strong, I can't seem to shift them. Get out of me! Leave me! Just writing this crap shows how much of a loser I really am. I want to be dead, it's the right thing to do. I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to be here. Stop being in my head, GET OUT! I'm not coping. I'm not strong enough. I can't win. I just wasn't made for this place. I'm not meant to be here. I wasn't made for here. I just want to die. Come on, you know it's the right thing to do, just do it. Come on, you know it's the right thing. You know you're going to do it, it's inevitable. Just go and get it over with. You know you're going to do it. Why fight it? Just do it, it is your destiny. Everything will stop finally! You know you're going to do it anyway. You weren't made for this place, you know that, I know that. everybody. Everyone will be fine, everything will be fine. I wanna be dead. I'm ungrateful. Some people don't have the option like I do and this is the thanks I give! Good one loser. STOP IT! I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. AAAARRGGGGHHH!!! Just stop it! I'll never be anything. I'll never do anything. I'm just a burden. I can't get better, I've been like this since I can remember, so why should now be any different? You'll never change. It's just the way that I am and now I must die. die, die, die! I'm just like this and I'm not supposed to be here in this world, I'm just not. I want to cry but I can't. I need to cry but the tears just won't come. Just go and do it. You know you can. You know you want to. Just do it already, farout! I can't cope. I'm struggling. I'm hopeless, ugly, fat, stupid, useless, worthless - ouch! That's the one I struggle with. Worthless - ouch! It stings. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless! But still I'm not crying. I need to cry damn it! I'm not meant to be here. I hate myself. I'm horrible. I don't deserve anything. I'm sorry for anything and everything. Does it matter? Does anything matter? Nothing is ever going to change. It hurts, it hurts my insides. The pain never goes away. I can't get a break. The strong negative feelings are rushing through me. A knife about now would be good, then I could slit my wrist. I want to see the blood, lot's of red thick blood. Oh my gosh listen to me, I'm a crazy person! (like we didn't know that) I'm never ever going to be any good. I am already messed up beyond repair. I'm so messed up! I'm just life this, never meant to be born. I'm not made for this world. I'm going to do it, I have to do it. It's the only way the pain will stop. Just for a bit of peace, finally! Everyone will be better off. You're just a burden, you gotta do it. Just got to leave me alone ok, just got to give it a rest. I'm never going to find anyone. No one will want all this crap. There's so much to do and I can't handle anything.

Right so that's a small step into the brain of me, fun place hey ;-) well I guess that's probably plenty for one take. Take care.