Three

hey,
If you are still reading these then thankyou x
I feel so alone. I'm surrounded by people, all sorts, some really great caring, loving people. Yet deep inside me I feel very alone. How can this be? What's wrong with me that I cannot function like the rest of us? Why are these feelings inside so strong all the time? I have such strong inner emotions. I mean I can meet someone for like five minutes and then would marry them. It's crazy!! Which I suppose is ironic seen as I'm in a mental hospital. Three months, that's about how long I've been in here. Three whole months of working hard trying to fix me as such. My doctor is working hard to try and help me, he really is and I'm so appreciative of that. A man who doesn't give up - thank you. I'm still stumped though, how am I still here? Could it be that everyone does have a purpose and mine is yet to be fulfilled. Do I even believe that? I don't really believe anything anymore. Hope is just mere soft whisper to me. All my feelings are enormous and overwhelming, the bad ones, obviously, but even the good ones I can't handle or contain. Love just hurts, I can't ease my feeling, they are so strong, too strong! Suffering inside myself, my pain absorbs me. Everything hurts me all the time. These emotions, good and bad, drown me from within. HELP! But do I even want to be saved? Again we come back to, I was not made for this world. I feel that through all my body while my brain is obsessed with the thought. Suicide seems like my destiny. So when will this be accomplished? You may ask. I don't even know, I just know it's the only thought that doesn't bring me pain. When I think about suicide I feel some peace within, once and for all. Freedom of my soul. Wow! wouldn't that be something. I found out something very strange yesterday. I found out that I have a bit of fear towards getting better. Seriously, fear, can you imagine that! Amazing. I did not know that untill yesterday. So underneath all this messed up interior is a scared little girl. Scared of the unknown perhaps. Scared of failing in future perhaps. Scared of changing my life when it has been so painful and rough for so long. Scared of all of the above even. What do everyday people think or feel? What is running through their minds? How does their heart feel? Is it peaceful? Is it quiet inside? So quiet that they can pehaps decipher a single thought, or even know how they are feeling deep inside? At this stage inside me I can only feel dark, heavy, messed up ball of confusion, seeping into my veins and travelling to every corner of my whole body. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to feel better. It is just a very foreign concept to me. I mean, I'v been like this for over half my life. I don't know anything else. I can't imagine anything else. Again comes the thought 'I wasn't made for this place'. This I do truely believe, I guess this is also how killing myself does not make me sad anymore. It is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I'm not built to function here, so I must be gone... forever.