Four

Wow!
     I just went to my doctors appointment and wow i feel like absolute crap! We, I suppose, started to do a bit of delving into some pretty rough stuff. The issues that we're starting to chip away at are extremely overwhelming. The painful memories flood through me, consuming me. I try to control them but I just can't. They rush through me. It hurts so much! First, it fills up my stomach and chest area. Pounding away at me, they make it difficult to breathe. Soon after, while I'm struggling with that, along come the evil thoughts. They drip with a thick, dark, oily texture. The thoughts all come together and equal the same thing, death. Death... it's an escape... a safe place. A place where all the feelings n thoughts stop and it's just... peaceful. A place where I don't have to face these fierce demons within. Since I can remember, these demons have been with me. They follow me everywhere I go and fill my brain with all sorts of ideas. These ideas are weighty and as black as a moonless night. I feel closed off from the world, like I'm on an alternate plain or something. People are looking at me, talking to me even, but they can't see me. They look through me believing what they want to believe and neglecting the reality of the situation, neglecting the reality of me. I struggle with this too, I feel as though I can't see whats directly in front of me. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle cure or something. The magic ingredient that turns my whole life around. It will ground me and all will be right side up and dare I even say the word... happy. Wow, what does that mean? It's foreign to me. I look around and I see death options closing in around me, do it do it do it! A deep seated continuous pain washes over me again and again. I want to drop to the floor, hands over my heart, and scream out in AGONY! When does it ever stop? When will I be able to stop it? Do I have the power to take back what's left of my life? Do I want to? I feel as though enough is enough. The rocky path up to now has tormented me enough. I'm worn out and have grown very tired of battling on day by day and at times minute by minute. Have you noticed when you're having a really bad day, a minute can feel like an hour? You are on the floor in a dark corner telling yourself to just hold on, tomorrow is a new day. Ha! Yer right, you don't just wake up in the morning, a new person feeling a million bucks. I go to bed feeling like worthless crap, chances are nine times out of ten, I wake up feeling..well bummed for a start for waking in the first place.. but feel like worthless crap. So I wonder, how long does suicide need to be banging on your door before you let it in.