Five

So we meet again...
      Im finding it hard to breathe. The inner turmoil is growing thicker by the second. I can't shift it. Painful memories fill my brain, one after the other. All these thoughts are spinning around and around in my head trying to possess me. I can't focus, I can't think! It's too fast, I can't make any sense of it all. I feel like I've fallen way, way down into a deep dark, musky well. So deep that I cannot see the so called "light". Everyone always says, "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, you'll get there". It's easy to say isn't it. So where is this "light"? Why can I not see it? This "light" seems like a figment of ones imagination, not mine that's for sure. I'm trapped in thick darkness. It's like there's an invisible force field surrounding me. I try to walk forward but I can't. The shield is to strong as though it is three brick walls built one after the other. I can't climb over, for I look up into the darkness as best I can. The walls seem to go for miles! It seems this way for I cannot see the top. It just fades into the darkness.
     What do I want? What do I expect? Is it perhaps a miracle cure? Do I expect to go to a church, be hit on the forehead as they say "Be gone!" Get up off the floor and yes it's gone!... Unlikely. The floor hey... ah yes, that is where I feel I deserve to be sitting. Not chairs, not beds, just on the dark dirty floor, maybe in a corner away from everybody else. That way they don't need to look at this hideous, discusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. Yes, that's me. I'm ashamed of the way I look. I ashamed of the way I feel. Why? Because I'm too ugly to look at and too messed up to bother with. How could anyone ever possibly love me! Is that what today is saying - "Just go now and slowly fade away, into the background, until, eventually... I am no more." I deserve nothing,ever! So what is the point? If I am so horrible, discusting, pathetic and non-deserving, why am I still on this earth?... Why am I indeed? This is a question that keeps spinning around in my head. Just go and do it then you moron! Yes, it does feel right. It feels meant to be, as though my destiny. Maybe very soon a good opportunity will reveal itself to me. Maybe I will make an opportunity. As the saying goes 'if it's meant to be it's up to me'. I guess that could be my answer right there. But, as there always seems to be one, on the other side of the coin there are the people who say they care for me. What to do. What to do. The guilt of letting these people down eats away at me like I'v drunk acid and it's slowly eating away through my whole body from the inside out. I wait and wait for it to consume me. But it seems to just be toying with me. Doing it the slowest most painful way possible. Nope, it's not going to let me die fast and peacefully. The mutual care I have with these people, weighs down on me heavier and heavier by the day. I cannot handle these very strong emotions that carry within. BE GONE! Oh perhaps it's just me that needs to be gone.