One

And so it starts, my journey of truth. Out into ciberspace it goes.

They say the truth hurts...It does and so does keeping secrets. They're inside of you screaming to come out LOUDER LOUDER LOUDER!! So what price, I ask, would you pay to keep dark dark secrets? What would it cost you? ... Your life?? If the secrets you hold inside can never come out. If what you hold weighs down on you like the weight of the whole wide world? Would you keep them? Really? Tearing shreds from inside you which you therefore convert to the outside of you, cuts, strengulation. How would you cope if all seemed somewhat lost? If you were drowning in your sorrows, living with lies, days after days? Could you live with yourself? Could you wake up every morning to face the day, when you believe yourself to be worthless and no good? Truely? I am asking you not to judge me with my ill outlook and beliefs. We are all human afterall. I am writing this to try to release some of vast amount of pain I hold inside, hoping that somehow it might help. I want to be rid of this stuggle - GET OUT! My head speaks loud to me, never seeming to tire. "Kill yourself" it says, "You will never get through this" it repeats over and over. "You weren't made for this place, you're just not bla bla bla" is the noise I hear... I feel. Everytime I breath it's a struggle. Its heavy like I have bricks on top of me. Deep breath in, then out. Might sound easy for you right? Even a little hard to imagine I mean its autopilot that we do this. Why would you feel like its heavy or hard? Believe me it is and it was and it will be. Why bother? Why do it? Perhaps because people rely on you. People care for you, even if you wish they didn't, so you could just do what must be done. Or even people just expect you too so you obviously must. "You're not crying so you should be fine" is said. "You look ok so you must be fine" they say. "Just snap out of it", "just keep busy and you'll be right", "You've got to get through this for me" to name a few. Really? I have to get through this for you. Really? I have to live with all this pain, inner battle and then on top of that the guilt from letting people down, cos that helps. People I need you not to see this as complaining or talking out my 'a' this is all very true for me everyday. Or that I must'nt care for anyone - LIES. I do care for alot of people, some to much that even I can handle. How am I still here? I ask myself this daily as well. Is it guilt working over time inside or just a lack of luck in my plans? Because I know exactly how I'd do it. When, where, and how are already decided up stairs. Yet I'm still here... dam!