Eight

   Wow,
      Yesterday was a extremely rough ride. So close to the end, again. Yet I'm still here. It's seems to me that the people I have mutual care for are what is making me hold on. They care and rely on me more than I know so now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I never want to hurt anyone let alone these wonderful people. Without sounding selfish, I think what about me and my suffering everyday and night. They don't get how this feels, the pain, the struggle, the constant inner turmoil. So how do I approach this serious dilemma? For instance, I woke up this morning by my mobile ringtone. It was my best friend and she was crying. She said " I didn't hear from you last night or this morning and that she was just glad to hear my voice." I felt like a real moron for upsetting her like that. I never want to upset anyone let alone those who are close to me. I apologized but inside I was feeling terrible. After we got off the phone, I looked at the screen of my phone and there was '18' missed calls! And I had just slept right through them without the blink of an eye. I felt/feel absolutely awful! Like the worst friend in the whole world. Imagine that, thinking that your best friend was dead. Also, last night, Mum was really worried when I didn't txt back straight away. I don't deserve this amount of worry and thought. Which then brings me back to my dilemma, if I kill myself they will never have to have these worries and sadness about me anymore. They are so supportive and helpful to me, I love them and I never want to worry or let them down ever again! But deep down I feel there is a lack of hope for me. Too far gone, too hard basket. People constantly say "you'll be better," "you'll be right just hang in there," "everyone has a hard time at some stage." Ha, what do you call a deer with no eyes - no idea - and that's exactly what everyone seems to lack. Perhaps it's my own fault in not expressing what's going on inside of me. I mean I can barely comprehend it my self. I just know it's very real, it's there and it's killing me. So does that mean, I'm killing me? Have I been down the path to suicide for a long, long time now? It's very possibly true. So what would you do if some awful traumatic experiences happened to a little kid who knew nothing of these things? Who shouldn't have learnt about these things so soon. This inner evil demon that haunts me, makes it hard to function, during my relationships. How is it that making love with somebody you love, can be spoilt by you ending up in tears. How does this, supposed to be, caring and special moment be pulled out from underneath me. I am left spoiling this by becoming a bundled up crying mess, so deeply confused. Why is this spoiled, not only for me but for the other person? Not fair right? Damn straight! In these situation I feel dirty, ashamed, like I'm that helpless little child again. Praying for it to stop! Begging for it to be over! So not only did it mess my head up severely, but it continues to haunt me day by day. I apologize to my ex partner who stayed with me through my extremely crazy moods and ideas, and thoughts. I'm just a mess upstairs really. Also I feel responsible for it all, things that are racing through my head are 'maybe I didn't try hard enough to get away' 'maybe I could of screamed really loud' or something, ANYTHING! Ok well I think I'll leave this painful experience to open more up about in due time. Guess today and tomorrow  are my focus has to be living through it. The only hiccup is that the only person I seem to need protection from is me.