Forty Seven

                I had been having a hard time with all the noise in my head. Round and round the thoughts were going and I had not one bit of control over them. Now thanks to the psych, I have started a new medication which has helped tremendously! I am now feeling fairly decent and that is great news seen as my BFF flies up here to see me in two days. I was so worried I was going to be a shipwreck while she was here and ruin her 25^th but things seem to be in order, YAY! I can’t wait to see her. We have not been away from each other for this long since we met and that was many years ago now – oh how it makes you feel old :-/ It’s going to be awesome and I get to introduce her to all my lovely new friends up here who have made it possible for me to have made it this far. Can’t wait!!!

Forty Six

                I have had a rough few days but am feeling the load lift slightly today. The doctor has put me on a new anti-psychotic which seems to be slowly the madness upstairs down a little which is great. If just got to be weaned off the other ones I’m on also, then I won’t be so tired all the time. So this is good news I suppose you could say. The graphic nightmares I’ve been having have slightly subsided so yes, it is good news. On another note I seem to have no confidence in myself as a person. I mean I have always hated myself and confidence has been pretty grim but I can manage to make myself manage somehow. Of late this has been a real struggle. I feel like everyone, even my friends and family, are disgusted by the very sight or thought of me as I am. I feel scared to go anywhere by myself and scared that if I go with someone they will be made fun of because of my hideousness. Gosh, when does the cycle end! I am determined to make myself do these things though and push through it. Let’s hope I have the guts.

Forty Five

                One step for mankind one giant leap back for me. So life’s tough hey, tell me about it. The other night I succumbed to the pain, to the noise, to the darkness. The feelings, as always, were severely intense, my head was filled with loud noise and forceful thoughts shooting all around! I couldn’t take it anymore, and then my mood flipped. I changed in to this surreal type of state, you know the kind where you would drive 100kms an hour in a 50 zone just to see what would happen. I ended up getting a razor and slashing around my wrist over and over again. It was like I couldn’t stop. I had paper down for the blood to drip all over. I wrote pain in the blood on the paper – hmm art work – but I was bleeding so much that the page filled up and the blood went everywhere. As the blood kept running from my wrist down over my blood soaked hand I had a weird evil like smile on my face, like it was funny. (I say evil because to me it does not seem very healthy). I was in a very there but not there state of mind, as I seem to be suppressing even now, and I just don’t know what I am capable of. I guess I better watch out. Thank you to all my great and wonderful supportive friends and family who are still helping through this never ending inner battle, love to you – you know who you are xx

Forty Four

                It’s been a little while since my last blog, I suppose not that long really but still. Yes I have been relatively busy but the main reason I have not blogged is because of where I seem to be at. My thoughts are spinning and crashing around like the offshore depths of the sea in a heavy storm. My feelings are equally as fast and muddled. I cannot seem to decipher one from the other. I struggle even more to concentrate. I fight harder everyday to put on that brave, progressive face. In way of bodily harm I have improved, of this there is no doubt, for I have not yet succumbed to the urges that flow through me. As for the rest of my problems, I cannot say. I struggle... struggle like I did before I came to Queensland. I feel myself slowly changing back into the shipwreck I was. Is it just habitual? Can it be changed? Will I ever mend? They say over time I will, I say in theory this is all well and good but what about the person experiencing the severe feelings and thoughts that won’t, no matter what they do, shift. Just like me and friends have a ‘T’ for TIME and you have a break, so where is that? No rest for the wicked and no rest for the worthless. The people around me look at me, even right into my eyes, and they have no idea that I am fighting away the same rushing pain with the severity increasing that I was before entering hospital. Backwards I slide down a steep muddy bank on my way to the dreaded cliff.

Forty Three

                Today I say was pretty alright, DBT went well, doctor’s appointment went well although I did find out that I also have some psychotic stuff within – don’t freak I’m not American Psycho or anything. With all this slowly happening I can’t help but think ‘what is the bigger plan?’ I think about this often of late and it never seems to come to an end. I mean, what is the big picture? The master plan? Is there one? If not, what are we all doing here? What is the point if we don’t have any purpose other than to just exist? Deep, deep down I feel as though there is some form of power or purpose that somehow fits into a bigger plan. But I wonder, is this just what I would like to think just to give me a reason to go on? I mean, I want to kill myself so how is that part of anything? Was I just put on this earth to suffer than die? Am I really that hated? Am I really that useless... part of me says “yes you are,” while another part says “bigger picture.” I know these are not to end questions but I can’t shake them. Maybe I feel that if I was more in touch with my spiritual side I may just be able to shake this crap. I am still in a hard fight against suicide and self harm, I guess I just wonder why it’s all worth it. Either way I would like to pursue these questions, but where to start?

Forty Two

                Well last night was a bit rough. After I typed my blog I ended up behind the bedroom door in the dark bawling. I was back in the bad state of wanting to kill myself right then and there. I thought I was back to my old self, o-oh! ‘This is it, no more’ was the thought travelling through my head. Down as it seems to go, I am having a lot of trouble trying to work out how to get my mood back to what it was when I left hospital. “The new me” I called it. I’m worried it was nothing more than a tease of what will never be, my brains way of toying with me yet again. Well I fell for it and as a result I feel foolish and naive. Deep down it hurts severely and when I am still the inner pain pounds against me. I’M SICK OF THIS BULLCRAP! I cannot live every day of my life begging and pleading with thin air to ‘please make it stop I can’t take anymore!!’ Having trouble winding down of a night, having nightmares and waking up feeling like crap, nope I’m sure it’s not how life is supposed to be. Today was better than yesterday and that is thanks to family support and a new friend I’ve made plus my Bff of course.

Forty One

                I’m crying as I type this. The pressure of the outside is ramming me into the earth’s hard exterior. BANG! Down I go repetitively. You see, I came out of hospital with this new view on how my life, if I lasted, would be. I was starting to tune in to my inner self. How I functioned was just that little bit more clear. Hope was a possibility not a distant blur. I realized I needed to spend a lot more time focusing on my well being and continuing to get in touch with what was going on within me. I felt some determination that I might have a chance, even if small. Now as I look at these blurry words I start to realize that I am losing control of my life and myself already. As I driving today it took all of my energy not to swerve in front of a big truck and hope for the best or worst, however you see it. I’ve had enough pain and I wish I could release it into the wild like the clawing beast that it is. I don’t belong here in this foreign place. Slowly I’m losing my concentration, my patience... my mind. Nobody can do a thing about it. I even feel as though I can do nothing about it also. So what’s the plan then? The saying is ‘live and let live’ but I am saying ‘die and let me die.’