Fifty Four

                Progress... according to everybody that’s what I’ve made. Yes this is probably true but why can’t I feel it? Is my head stuck too far under the sand? It must be. I am being looked after so well at the moment and it helps beyond words but it’s not that simple. I feel I need to find a solution to all this negativity and suffering. Is the answer right in front of my face and I’m just too blind to see? Inside this seems true but just typing about it now is making me realize that there is probably not just “a solution” but rather a range of small steps and more hard work to moving through this to a somewhat normalised life, for lack of better wording.

Fifty Three

                I feel so empty. I wake up every morning and feel I don’t have anything to get out of bed for.  I just lay there staring into space, nothing left to live for. I just want to die. It would be better for everyone if this was to happen. Family, friends, they would have no need to worry anymore, I don’t deserve it anyway. My innards are aching never giving relief... It feels like it is time, time to end it once and for all. I am stuck down a deep well with rats chewing away at my flesh where I lay, there’s not much left and therefore not much point going on. This is only a short blog but the information it holds is heavy. I am running out of time and I don’t want to hurt the ones around me but I don’t want to be here either. Catch 22.

Fifty Two

                Okay so I have struggled through yet another dark hole and feel as though I am slowly and oh so very slightly coming up out of the other end. I have had my mood stabilizer re-upped and it seems to have helped me to do this. Yay! I hope it keeps lasting and helping me as I need all the help I can get. I am still very confused about where and how I fit into this crazy world. Also I’m still not seeing the point to all this heartache, the point to living or as it would feel, existing. Anyway I’ll keep searching and hope that I find a reason soon. Any pointers??

Fifty One

                Have you ever had that feeling, deep down inside that maybe things might start to be looking up? The feeling that something was bought in to your life to change your whole view on the world? That life had been a thick, dark misery for soooo long and now, finally, a ray of light has come shining through? I did. A tiny, but extremely hopeful part of me fell for this sick idea of a joke from the universal powers or whatever powers that may be! I wonder, how could this happen? How could I be so stupid to buy into this for even a second? What an idiot I am! I don’t have a chance, never have, never will. I see no point to this horrible life and that’s making it extremely difficult to go on. My insides are yelling at me “I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE LIVING, I HATE MYSELF!!!!” I don’t stand a chance in this place so why the hell am I still going through all this bullcrap?! There’s a point when enoughs, enough, you know what I mean. I am never going to amount to anything (because I’m hopeless), I am never going to feel any better (because I don’t deserve to) and I’ll be alone for ever (because I’m worthless). Gee with these great, exciting odds why would I possibly want to be anywhere else! I mean sometimes you get told something that breaks your already bleeding heart to pieces, you want to say “no, I don’t except” but you can’t because you feel already so hurt that the idea of hearing anymore would just suffocate you to within your last breath. How do I cope? How can I possibly? The worse thing is that I can’t kill myself at this stage because I don’t want anybody to feel to blame for that. I know that if I die it will be at my hand because of a million or so reasons stacked roughly on top of each other, swaying in the rough weather and when they finally collapse, so will I. It took me 2 hours to do a ½ hour drive on Thursday because I had to pull over because I was absolutely bawling my eyes out. An hour and a half on the side of the road bawling, along with outbursts of bawling that night. Friday, I spent in bed all day in a depressed tranced like state, staring into space and crying. I have never, unless sick, spent a whole day in bed ever. This is bad. Today I’m a mixture of the two but am trying to get just a little bit stronger so perhaps I can face the world just like everyone expects and if everyone excepts it then I must do it, right, isn’t that the way it works.

Fifty

                Emotions... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Am I the only one who has the things? Seriously, I know I’m not but come on. How come when stuff happens I seem to be the only one who continues to think and feel about it. Other people seem to be able to put on the STOP inside and BAM! They no longer worry about it. Why can’t I do this? I yearn so much for this quality as this is a HUGE problem that I have. It rules my life to a degree and I can’t stand it! I’m sure other people would find it annoying too if I talked about it, seen as I need to sort out the ins, outs, ups, downs, lefts, rights, whatever of everything when I over think it. I’m such a pain! So should I give myself pain to suppress the other pain? I know it’s an unhealthy solution. I haven’t yet so I’m going to try and stick with that.

Forty Nine

                Oooh boy! Feelings are a very confusing part of this life. They flood you from head to toe and give you no means of relief or signs of easing. Is it possible to feel two opposite emotions at the same time? Yes. Is this easy? No, by far. I can’t tell if my deep emotions are the cause of my medication drop (and I mean a huge drop in meds) or other things. It’s a tough one, a mixture of both perhaps. Do I like it? I’m not sure. As they are opposites I guess the answer is yes and no. Yes because sadly feeling so flooded with emotions helps me diet better, sad but true and I guess fossilled in amongst there is a chunk of hope, hope that something great in the future may become true. No because I’m scared it won’t and my hope will be for not, also it’s powerful, and tugs away at my insides left to right, up and down to inside out. Feelings are very real and they don’t just disappear because we want them to or because life might be a little easier without them. No, they are here to stay whether we like it or not. All we can do is gather a wonderful support network of mutual respect and honesty and try to stay strong and more than that, learn to deal.

Forty Eight

                I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. My Bff has returned home and we had a good time up here together. I just felt, while she was here, that I was letting her down in some way. We went to the fun parks and I was very anxious about going on the bigger rides so we didn’t – hardly seems fair hey. Also my medication is making me really sleepy all the time. I get a proper night sleep and still feel like I could sleep all day, it’s crazy! I don’t want to take any more pills because the side effects I seem to get are just ridiculous. So I see the psych tomorrow and fingers crossed we can work something out. My inner turmoil is still gurgling away. I don’t know how to cope with it and basically everyday things. I can feel myself sliding back but have no control of it. Cutting seems to be a thing playing on my mind and I can’t always knock back the opportunity. So, does this make me a failure... it certainly feels like it. I don’t feel like I’m letting myself down because who cares about that. I feel like I’m letting certain people in my family down. They do so much for me and here I am, feeling as though I’m sneaking around behind their back, it makes me feel absolutely awful! You might say “well why do it then?” Haha, if only it were that simple.

Forty Seven

                I had been having a hard time with all the noise in my head. Round and round the thoughts were going and I had not one bit of control over them. Now thanks to the psych, I have started a new medication which has helped tremendously! I am now feeling fairly decent and that is great news seen as my BFF flies up here to see me in two days. I was so worried I was going to be a shipwreck while she was here and ruin her 25^th but things seem to be in order, YAY! I can’t wait to see her. We have not been away from each other for this long since we met and that was many years ago now – oh how it makes you feel old :-/ It’s going to be awesome and I get to introduce her to all my lovely new friends up here who have made it possible for me to have made it this far. Can’t wait!!!

Forty Six

                I have had a rough few days but am feeling the load lift slightly today. The doctor has put me on a new anti-psychotic which seems to be slowly the madness upstairs down a little which is great. If just got to be weaned off the other ones I’m on also, then I won’t be so tired all the time. So this is good news I suppose you could say. The graphic nightmares I’ve been having have slightly subsided so yes, it is good news. On another note I seem to have no confidence in myself as a person. I mean I have always hated myself and confidence has been pretty grim but I can manage to make myself manage somehow. Of late this has been a real struggle. I feel like everyone, even my friends and family, are disgusted by the very sight or thought of me as I am. I feel scared to go anywhere by myself and scared that if I go with someone they will be made fun of because of my hideousness. Gosh, when does the cycle end! I am determined to make myself do these things though and push through it. Let’s hope I have the guts.

Forty Five

                One step for mankind one giant leap back for me. So life’s tough hey, tell me about it. The other night I succumbed to the pain, to the noise, to the darkness. The feelings, as always, were severely intense, my head was filled with loud noise and forceful thoughts shooting all around! I couldn’t take it anymore, and then my mood flipped. I changed in to this surreal type of state, you know the kind where you would drive 100kms an hour in a 50 zone just to see what would happen. I ended up getting a razor and slashing around my wrist over and over again. It was like I couldn’t stop. I had paper down for the blood to drip all over. I wrote pain in the blood on the paper – hmm art work – but I was bleeding so much that the page filled up and the blood went everywhere. As the blood kept running from my wrist down over my blood soaked hand I had a weird evil like smile on my face, like it was funny. (I say evil because to me it does not seem very healthy). I was in a very there but not there state of mind, as I seem to be suppressing even now, and I just don’t know what I am capable of. I guess I better watch out. Thank you to all my great and wonderful supportive friends and family who are still helping through this never ending inner battle, love to you – you know who you are xx

Forty Four

                It’s been a little while since my last blog, I suppose not that long really but still. Yes I have been relatively busy but the main reason I have not blogged is because of where I seem to be at. My thoughts are spinning and crashing around like the offshore depths of the sea in a heavy storm. My feelings are equally as fast and muddled. I cannot seem to decipher one from the other. I struggle even more to concentrate. I fight harder everyday to put on that brave, progressive face. In way of bodily harm I have improved, of this there is no doubt, for I have not yet succumbed to the urges that flow through me. As for the rest of my problems, I cannot say. I struggle... struggle like I did before I came to Queensland. I feel myself slowly changing back into the shipwreck I was. Is it just habitual? Can it be changed? Will I ever mend? They say over time I will, I say in theory this is all well and good but what about the person experiencing the severe feelings and thoughts that won’t, no matter what they do, shift. Just like me and friends have a ‘T’ for TIME and you have a break, so where is that? No rest for the wicked and no rest for the worthless. The people around me look at me, even right into my eyes, and they have no idea that I am fighting away the same rushing pain with the severity increasing that I was before entering hospital. Backwards I slide down a steep muddy bank on my way to the dreaded cliff.

Forty Three

                Today I say was pretty alright, DBT went well, doctor’s appointment went well although I did find out that I also have some psychotic stuff within – don’t freak I’m not American Psycho or anything. With all this slowly happening I can’t help but think ‘what is the bigger plan?’ I think about this often of late and it never seems to come to an end. I mean, what is the big picture? The master plan? Is there one? If not, what are we all doing here? What is the point if we don’t have any purpose other than to just exist? Deep, deep down I feel as though there is some form of power or purpose that somehow fits into a bigger plan. But I wonder, is this just what I would like to think just to give me a reason to go on? I mean, I want to kill myself so how is that part of anything? Was I just put on this earth to suffer than die? Am I really that hated? Am I really that useless... part of me says “yes you are,” while another part says “bigger picture.” I know these are not to end questions but I can’t shake them. Maybe I feel that if I was more in touch with my spiritual side I may just be able to shake this crap. I am still in a hard fight against suicide and self harm, I guess I just wonder why it’s all worth it. Either way I would like to pursue these questions, but where to start?

Forty Two

                Well last night was a bit rough. After I typed my blog I ended up behind the bedroom door in the dark bawling. I was back in the bad state of wanting to kill myself right then and there. I thought I was back to my old self, o-oh! ‘This is it, no more’ was the thought travelling through my head. Down as it seems to go, I am having a lot of trouble trying to work out how to get my mood back to what it was when I left hospital. “The new me” I called it. I’m worried it was nothing more than a tease of what will never be, my brains way of toying with me yet again. Well I fell for it and as a result I feel foolish and naive. Deep down it hurts severely and when I am still the inner pain pounds against me. I’M SICK OF THIS BULLCRAP! I cannot live every day of my life begging and pleading with thin air to ‘please make it stop I can’t take anymore!!’ Having trouble winding down of a night, having nightmares and waking up feeling like crap, nope I’m sure it’s not how life is supposed to be. Today was better than yesterday and that is thanks to family support and a new friend I’ve made plus my Bff of course.

Forty One

                I’m crying as I type this. The pressure of the outside is ramming me into the earth’s hard exterior. BANG! Down I go repetitively. You see, I came out of hospital with this new view on how my life, if I lasted, would be. I was starting to tune in to my inner self. How I functioned was just that little bit more clear. Hope was a possibility not a distant blur. I realized I needed to spend a lot more time focusing on my well being and continuing to get in touch with what was going on within me. I felt some determination that I might have a chance, even if small. Now as I look at these blurry words I start to realize that I am losing control of my life and myself already. As I driving today it took all of my energy not to swerve in front of a big truck and hope for the best or worst, however you see it. I’ve had enough pain and I wish I could release it into the wild like the clawing beast that it is. I don’t belong here in this foreign place. Slowly I’m losing my concentration, my patience... my mind. Nobody can do a thing about it. I even feel as though I can do nothing about it also. So what’s the plan then? The saying is ‘live and let live’ but I am saying ‘die and let me die.’

Forty

                Busy, that’s what I seem to be of late. It is helping me a bit but it is also hindering me. Keeping busy helps because it keeps me occupied and less likely to act on impulses, it doesn’t help because I feel quiet tired all the time and it makes me anxious and I find it hard to wind down. The suicidal thoughts are still suspended in my brain. Just think, if I plunged a knife through my heart right now all this bull crap could be over. No more trying to manage my messed up head and my deeply confused feelings ever again... sounds pretty damn good to me. But yes I would miss some very important people in my life, I guess I just hope beyond hope that if said event was in fact to happen, or something similar, that these people would know who they are and know and know what they meant to me, also that there was nothing anyone could have done differently to change my fate. But as it sits now I’m pressing on and waiting for something more within me to change for the better, a path to greener pastures perhaps.

Thirty Nine

                Another bridge crossed. I went out over the weekend, on the town with a friend. Did I cope ok? Yes. I love hitting the town for a bit of a boogie. I think the fact that I stayed at my friend’s place helped a lot because I wasn’t alone as I was coming down from my high. I haven’t been blogging as much I know but I have been busy. I suppose that has become my coping mechanism . . . again. I try to be still and just sit with my feelings but they are so intense. It’s scary. I’m worried about what I might do and how bad the consequences may be if not handled. Cutting, cutting, cutting – When I’m awake, I’m thinking about it. When I’m asleep, I’m dreaming about it. Is this, I wonder, what drug addicts go through too? Is it the same kind of addiction? If I cut myself have I failed and taken an ecstasy tablet? Have I been too hard on and critical of these people for far too long? Just once, I hear whispering to me through the noise in my head. ‘Just one time that’s all you need, come on do it.’ AAAHHHH!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! But who am I yelling this to? Me? I want me to leave me alone... yeah that makes perfect sense :-/ Even though I only just started, the DBT seems to be really good and fingers crossed it has some helpful tips on sorting me out upstairs, please please pleeeeaaaassseee. My mood has been average but I suppose missing all my friends doesn’t help with that. Busy busy busy until I find a better way. The only thing is that dealing with the difficulties this way doesn’t solve anything.

Thirty Eight

                It’s tough. What is this feeling that I have? I can’t identify it? It sits extremely heavy in the lower central of my chest. It strains me to breathe in and with every breath out I feel closer to tears. I got really anxious earlier and then, whilst trying to concentrate on driving, I head was full of other people’s voices. It wasn’t like one or two voices telling me to do things or that I was a superhero or something, no, it was lots of people all talking at once. It was as though I was in a big shopping complex on one of those busy days, when you have to dodge and squeeze around people just to get from a – b. It were as though I was standing write in the middle and couldn’t move and all this was going on around me and I could hear all the noise. The thing is I was in a silent car, no radio or nothing and absolutely no control over the head noise. Pretty scary actually, I mean, I’ve never heard others voices before. Now if I didn’t feel crazy before... Right, so coping... I am still here, I have ok days and I’m pottering along. The struggle against self-harming is HUMUNGUS!! I had nooo idea what I was in for when I left the big house. I want to get the razor and start calving. Even put it apart to get the individual blades out so I can cut deeper and more painfully. It’s not the pain of the cutting but also the stinging of the blade. The thing to is that if others talk or hint about self-harm, I want to do it even more I’m not sure why. Hmm, self-harm - Do I feel it this time? Will I feel it that time? Am I going to dissociate? Who knows, I suppose I just have to keep putting my all into fighting the urge and not give in.

Thirty Seven

                I AM OUTRAGED! I am sooooo disappointed and disgusted in the human race. How is it that people can be so damn cruel? I am not an angry person but after hearing about this situation I feel enraged to hunt these people down and give them the what for! What am I talking about? I’m talking about bullying, and not just any bullying, work place bullying. What gives anybody the right to think that they are better than another? School yard bullying is awful and should be nipped in the bud straight away. I know it is difficult but this sort of behaviour can ruin a person’s life. These bullies can continue this disgraceful behaviour even as adults. This is what has ruffled my feathers. A family member, who I am extremely close to, is being workplace bullied. Yesterday I spoke with them and they were so very upset. This person is the strongest person I know and here they were scared and sick in the stomach about work. They love work, always have, and they work damn hard let me tell you. How dare anybody take that away from them! I tell you what, I’m not a violent but when you listen to someone you love, very dearly, bawling their eyes out because of the situation at work, you quickly switch into protection mode. I wanted to find these pitiful people and bash the crap out of them! I’m much calmer now about it and don’t feel quite as intense as the situation is being addressed. It’s only being addressed though because this person has taken a stand. They have said NO MORE and stood up for themselves and damn right they should! I just hope upon hope that the situation is resolved. They deserve, like others in their situation, to be able to go to work without this bull crap to put up with. Some people need to grow up and get over themselves. As this person said to me “we’re all here for the same reason.”  

Thirty Six

So I have missed two days but believe it or not I’ve been flat out and exhausted when the days over. I’ve been helping family out, as they are helping me also, and starting a new therapy group. The therapy is called DBT, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. I got the phone call Monday arvo to say there is a place to start Tuesday if I if was able. Of course becoming well is a very high priority so a big yes was my answer. Some key goals of this therapy are;

-          Reducing suicidal and self-harming behaviours

-          Reducing behaviours that interfere with the process of therapy such as not addressing problems

-          Reducing behaviours that seriously interfere with quality of life

-          Increasing specific goals to cope more effectively

-          Developing an awareness and sense of control over emotions and behaviour

-          Moving from being emotionally shut down to experiencing emotions fully

-          Building an ordinary life, solving ordinary life problems with a focus improving quality of relationships

-          Working with feelings of emptiness to develop completeness/connection    

It is a 6 month course and I am looking forward to what this could mean to my life. Could it be the changes and opportunities I need?

My mood over the past few days has been a mildly low steady flow. I was fairly anxious the night before last but I have gotten through and am managing life. This is not just my inner self fighting, it is also with the help of my family and friends – THANK YOU x

I actually feel a little better today than the past few days so whether it lasts or not I will take it while it’s here.

Thirty Five

                I know it’s still quite early to be blogging but when you need to talk, or rather write, you do. I am undecided about how today will be for me but I am hoping it goes up even a little so I can have a bit of a breather after yesterday. Last night I had another bawling session. At first I was just teary and I had a hug then went to the bathroom. After I shut the door, I just dropped to my knees and started bawling my eyes out. I ended up in the fetal position. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying, I guess the inner strength I need to stay sane, as much as I can, is taking more out of me than I thought. My head talk is negative and my visions are graphic. As the night proceeded the pictures in my head became more frequent. I wondered why my negative thoughts had gotten worse since leaving hospital. I mean, I knew it was going to be a challenge but I guess I underestimated it. All I wanted to do was get a razor and slash my arms over and over again as hard as I could! I didn’t feel that I belong... I still don’t. My family and friends are a great support to me, but it’s really up to me. I wonder if I have what it takes.