Fifty Four

                Progress... according to everybody that’s what I’ve made. Yes this is probably true but why can’t I feel it? Is my head stuck too far under the sand? It must be. I am being looked after so well at the moment and it helps beyond words but it’s not that simple. I feel I need to find a solution to all this negativity and suffering. Is the answer right in front of my face and I’m just too blind to see? Inside this seems true but just typing about it now is making me realize that there is probably not just “a solution” but rather a range of small steps and more hard work to moving through this to a somewhat normalised life, for lack of better wording.

Fifty Three

                I feel so empty. I wake up every morning and feel I don’t have anything to get out of bed for.  I just lay there staring into space, nothing left to live for. I just want to die. It would be better for everyone if this was to happen. Family, friends, they would have no need to worry anymore, I don’t deserve it anyway. My innards are aching never giving relief... It feels like it is time, time to end it once and for all. I am stuck down a deep well with rats chewing away at my flesh where I lay, there’s not much left and therefore not much point going on. This is only a short blog but the information it holds is heavy. I am running out of time and I don’t want to hurt the ones around me but I don’t want to be here either. Catch 22.

Fifty Two

                Okay so I have struggled through yet another dark hole and feel as though I am slowly and oh so very slightly coming up out of the other end. I have had my mood stabilizer re-upped and it seems to have helped me to do this. Yay! I hope it keeps lasting and helping me as I need all the help I can get. I am still very confused about where and how I fit into this crazy world. Also I’m still not seeing the point to all this heartache, the point to living or as it would feel, existing. Anyway I’ll keep searching and hope that I find a reason soon. Any pointers??

Fifty One

                Have you ever had that feeling, deep down inside that maybe things might start to be looking up? The feeling that something was bought in to your life to change your whole view on the world? That life had been a thick, dark misery for soooo long and now, finally, a ray of light has come shining through? I did. A tiny, but extremely hopeful part of me fell for this sick idea of a joke from the universal powers or whatever powers that may be! I wonder, how could this happen? How could I be so stupid to buy into this for even a second? What an idiot I am! I don’t have a chance, never have, never will. I see no point to this horrible life and that’s making it extremely difficult to go on. My insides are yelling at me “I HATE THIS LIFE, I HATE LIVING, I HATE MYSELF!!!!” I don’t stand a chance in this place so why the hell am I still going through all this bullcrap?! There’s a point when enoughs, enough, you know what I mean. I am never going to amount to anything (because I’m hopeless), I am never going to feel any better (because I don’t deserve to) and I’ll be alone for ever (because I’m worthless). Gee with these great, exciting odds why would I possibly want to be anywhere else! I mean sometimes you get told something that breaks your already bleeding heart to pieces, you want to say “no, I don’t except” but you can’t because you feel already so hurt that the idea of hearing anymore would just suffocate you to within your last breath. How do I cope? How can I possibly? The worse thing is that I can’t kill myself at this stage because I don’t want anybody to feel to blame for that. I know that if I die it will be at my hand because of a million or so reasons stacked roughly on top of each other, swaying in the rough weather and when they finally collapse, so will I. It took me 2 hours to do a ½ hour drive on Thursday because I had to pull over because I was absolutely bawling my eyes out. An hour and a half on the side of the road bawling, along with outbursts of bawling that night. Friday, I spent in bed all day in a depressed tranced like state, staring into space and crying. I have never, unless sick, spent a whole day in bed ever. This is bad. Today I’m a mixture of the two but am trying to get just a little bit stronger so perhaps I can face the world just like everyone expects and if everyone excepts it then I must do it, right, isn’t that the way it works.

Fifty

                Emotions... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Am I the only one who has the things? Seriously, I know I’m not but come on. How come when stuff happens I seem to be the only one who continues to think and feel about it. Other people seem to be able to put on the STOP inside and BAM! They no longer worry about it. Why can’t I do this? I yearn so much for this quality as this is a HUGE problem that I have. It rules my life to a degree and I can’t stand it! I’m sure other people would find it annoying too if I talked about it, seen as I need to sort out the ins, outs, ups, downs, lefts, rights, whatever of everything when I over think it. I’m such a pain! So should I give myself pain to suppress the other pain? I know it’s an unhealthy solution. I haven’t yet so I’m going to try and stick with that.

Forty Nine

                Oooh boy! Feelings are a very confusing part of this life. They flood you from head to toe and give you no means of relief or signs of easing. Is it possible to feel two opposite emotions at the same time? Yes. Is this easy? No, by far. I can’t tell if my deep emotions are the cause of my medication drop (and I mean a huge drop in meds) or other things. It’s a tough one, a mixture of both perhaps. Do I like it? I’m not sure. As they are opposites I guess the answer is yes and no. Yes because sadly feeling so flooded with emotions helps me diet better, sad but true and I guess fossilled in amongst there is a chunk of hope, hope that something great in the future may become true. No because I’m scared it won’t and my hope will be for not, also it’s powerful, and tugs away at my insides left to right, up and down to inside out. Feelings are very real and they don’t just disappear because we want them to or because life might be a little easier without them. No, they are here to stay whether we like it or not. All we can do is gather a wonderful support network of mutual respect and honesty and try to stay strong and more than that, learn to deal.

Forty Eight

                I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. My Bff has returned home and we had a good time up here together. I just felt, while she was here, that I was letting her down in some way. We went to the fun parks and I was very anxious about going on the bigger rides so we didn’t – hardly seems fair hey. Also my medication is making me really sleepy all the time. I get a proper night sleep and still feel like I could sleep all day, it’s crazy! I don’t want to take any more pills because the side effects I seem to get are just ridiculous. So I see the psych tomorrow and fingers crossed we can work something out. My inner turmoil is still gurgling away. I don’t know how to cope with it and basically everyday things. I can feel myself sliding back but have no control of it. Cutting seems to be a thing playing on my mind and I can’t always knock back the opportunity. So, does this make me a failure... it certainly feels like it. I don’t feel like I’m letting myself down because who cares about that. I feel like I’m letting certain people in my family down. They do so much for me and here I am, feeling as though I’m sneaking around behind their back, it makes me feel absolutely awful! You might say “well why do it then?” Haha, if only it were that simple.